Internal Struggle

I pulled up to my house today with a clear mind. My headache was gone. My teeth had stopped grinding. All I could feel was the wind on the back of my bald head. It felt nice!

I walked in, kicked off my shoes while I shooed my sons into their room so that I could cook dinner. Yep, I said COOK. ~smile~ I made brown rice and sausages. Aww.. It’s a start. My boys ate it up!

Tomorrow I’m gonna make barbecue chicken and yellow rice. I’m so proud of myself. My goal is to go an entire week without microwaving anything. But that’ll come later.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

I feel a sense of relief after I made the decision to STOP being so proactive at my job and just do what the people ask me to do. My eagerness to be an overachiever is not getting me anywhere. I was hired to do a job and I should do just that with a cheerful heart.

I was asked once during a job interview, “What are you most passionate about?”

“Helping people to define and reach their goals!” I replied emphatically.

“Well, then please tell me how your passion can become your downfall.”

I was stuck. Huh? It was the first time I was speechless during a job interview. After taking a few moments I could see his point.

My passion is helping others to dream bigger and better and brighter and somehow making myself a part of that dream and assisting them in accomplishing it. The problem arises when I start to dream for someone who isn’t dreaming for themselves or doesnt want to dream or move forward. They have their own plans for their life and I try to force my vision on them. I guess it makes them feel like I am looking down at their life goals because they have no desire to dream as big as I want them to.

I’m sorry about that.

The same with my jobs. I can see why I annoy people now. I come in all eager to show everyone how I can help to change their world! I start my little pep talks about vision and goal setting which is very important to me and I assume it is important to everyone else. But it’s not. Not always.

So I alienate a few people with my grand visions always smiling and floating around confidently as though I just won an award. They probably think, “She think she betta than somebody talking bout changing the world! Talking about becoming an international best seller! Hmph. She ain’t better than me! So what if she’s talented!”

Although it may seem as though I’m trying to “run things” I’m not. I’m just trying to be a contributing force to the success of the company. I’m not trying to outshine anyone. I’m just naturally shiny. That was God’s gift to me. Same as these big ol boat feet and these big ol bucked teeth.

Well, today at work I decided not to put too much effort into creating new opportunities for myself to excel. After talking to Mimi last night I realized that I am searching for personal fulfillment in my job. That’s not a good place to look for that.

Instead of trying to feed my creative addiction at work, at least for now, I’m gonna focus more on feeding my desire in my own side projects. This way, I’ll look forward to going home more and my mind won’t be stressed with work.

I feel like my mind just took a nice warm shower.

Let me relax and follow instructions like the rest. I don’t HAVE to pave the way. I don’t HAVE to make a big splash. It’s time to focus on me and doing what I love to do.

Wow. Funny how things change.