Streaming Thoughts

When I think about it I can see how they are right. Right in the fact that I look kinda crazy being out here like this for no particular reason. I don’t know. I just want to be…perfect.

Yeah. I said it. I have to admit it, in my mind I want to exceed any of my OWN expectations in the areas of child rearing, my career, my looks, my knowledge base, my giving heart and genuine ability to be totally transparent. Sometimes I feel like a machine trying to grind out what is good and right all the time.

But sometimes Im a spoiled brat too. I want things MY WAY and if I don’t get it, well, that rarely happens because I don’t have that happen. I don’t know how it got like that, but on the real, the secret is, the more you honor your friends, the more they honor you.

You trust me. I trust you.
You speak well of me. I speak well of you.
You share your wisdom with me. I share my wisdom with you.
It goes deeper until you are merely whispering tunes into the air and and communicating through the scent of the vibe.

I wish that people would stop putting up such a pretense. I went out last night. I went to this Bar called Identity.

It was sooo coold out there! But it was a nice spot. I was feeling the live band, there was a comfortable crowd— all grown people. I FEEL like a grown up now. I really wanted to meet women because I don’t like to be the chick in the lounge alone because that invites all kind of Dumbo’s to come over and talk.

I ask Kia. She says, “I don’t go out.” I knew not to push the issue.

So I figure I’ll just fall through alone and I did and ofcourse I meet men but there were these two girls who came over and I was like, “Aww they look like nice women.” But I had no clue how to strike up a conversation with them. How do you make friends?

We just smiled at each other a few times and that was that.

Ughh…I don’t want to meet ANOTHER man! I’m tired. Today, I was at work and I walked over to this man and said, “Is there anything I can do for you?” because he was looking right at me. How about- Dude says, “Yes, you can come sit in my lap.”

“What?” I stopped and looked at him.

“You can come sit in my lap.”

My mouth dropped. “You are so disrespectful. That was so disrespectful.”

See what I mean? I need a hug so badly. I think I may melt.

Oh my gosh! You won’t believe what happened at the Restaurant the other day. In walks this woman I knew when I lived back in Gainesville in college. This chick was a leasing agent in the first apartment I had by myself just before I gave birth to my first son. She had a daughter too. So we would kick it and talk about our babies and our baby daddies and it was on some real cool shit.

Like, we were always really encouraging toward each other. We would always pray for each other and remind each other that we are worth more than diamonds. It was a quick but positive relationship. We email every blue BLUE moon but I always thought of her and wondered what’s up.

Well, she moved to Houston 3 weeks ago to manage a group of real estate properties. When I first saw her I fel to so happy. Happy to see her, but more happy to see a familiar face.

Do you know what it’s like to be in a place where everyday, all day, EVERY PERSON you see is a brand new person in your life. You’re trying to rack up some regulars but you don’t know who to trust.

That’s why I miss Tamara. No matter who or what, I could always talk to her about anything. And she’s so smart. She always comes from a totally different perspective than I have and usually her perspective is less emotional. I could say anything to her. It’s so comforting to know that no matter how I feel or what I do, she won’t turn her back on me or turn her nose up at me. She’s not like that.

I have so many great and wonderful friends. Each with unique qualities that make them shine so bright! I guess I hang around them because I want some of that light to get on me.

I messed up a few times at work today. I hate that. I know I’m learning but I keep forgetting the numbers and I drop stuff sometimes and it’s annoying because I figure I can at least get THIS right but it’s a challenge for me physically and emotionally because I have to pace myself with learning and I want to do so much RIGHT NOW. Because I want to contribute. I want the place to be more whatever because I was a part of the team.

I know I be thinking deep. My mind is always going like that. I wonder if that’s how Kanye’s mind thinks.

You know what? I think I’m really starting to like JB.