I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About
You know what I just realized?
I’m really a looney toon.
I sit up here and IMAGINE my way into these “relationships” with men and give them all of this honor and glory and admiration when they have done nothing to deserve it.
Take for example, the Prez.
Yeah, he could probably get some based on his cute lil personality, his beautiful smile, his resume and his stellar communication style but really…do I KNOW him?
He could be a man who gossips? I HATE MEN WHO GOSSIP! That trait has ‘down low’ written all over it.
He could be insecure and unsure like my first boss out of college. His team RAN HIM, he had no say about what went on. He had to get everyone’s opinion before he made a decision.
He could be on the down low for all I know…
Or maybe he’s not.
All I know is…I’ve been avoiding praying for God to send a man into my life because I thought I had to be BIG TIME before I even thought about that so I kinda been like…”Aww..I just wanna have secks God…” I think I’m gonna buckle down and ask for a true companion.
Not someone that I have to IMAGINE likes me.
I’m tired of sitting around imagining what it would be like for a man to like me. I’m tired of the damn fantasies and the masterbating and the “Believing in faith” for what I dream about to come true.
You know what? Fuck it… Maybe that shit ain’t meant to be.
I want a real fucking man who SEES who is in front of him and wants to snatch me up…Fuck all that I’ma wait around shit. What? Do I have to prove myself to you? Bitch please!
Go on about your business, dude.
I ain’t the one.
~sigh~
I guess I’m just frustrated ya’ll.
Just like The Prez can’t grasp the concept of a rainbow…I can’t quite grasp the idea of someone wanting me and expressing their desire for me. Except for LEM and all those other dudes who HAVE GIRLFRIENDS!
LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE if you have a fucking girlfriend, LIVE WITH YO MAMA, or don’t think you’re worthy to stand beside a Superstar. Stop telling me you love me, miss me or that I’m the idea of perfection when you’re laid up with someone else. It’s as though they see me as their fantasy but they are holding on to their reality because they don’t believe their fantasy is attainable. I’m tired of downplaying myself, living in fantasies and putting myself out there only to be ignored or pushed away.
You ain’t man enough for me…
I’m just tired and lonely ya’ll and I’m tired of playing pretend with all of these pretenders.
I want to be secure and safe in giving all of my love and gifts…
But as I get to know the people around me I’m finding that… none of them are worthy…they all have hidden agendas.
No one is pure.
No one really cares unless it helps them…
Hollup…lemme snap out of it.
Lemme get some rest. Please pray for me.