My Recurring Dream

~stretching~

Wow. It feels great to take a nap during the day.

B’cept…B’cept…

This is the fifth time that I have had the same dream and I don’t understand why.

It’s not like I think dreams are the end all be all, it’s just, when a dream is recurring I wonder if God is trying to tell me something.

Today was the fifth time that I dreamt that I went back to work with the website. It’s not like it’s a dream where I was STILL at the website, the dreams I have are always of my first day back. No dream is exactly the same scenario, but the theme is the same; I’m back at the website again.

Today I dreamt that I had an assignment due and I went in and did it and my director walked by and ignored me but I knew that I was being invited back. I was wearing a string bikini which I would NEVER wear outside of my house but on this day, I felt GREAT and proud of what I looked like.

Maybe all of these dreams stem from the fact that I am STILL being lectured by my friends about leaving there. “Tee,” my girl Tonya told me last night. “You can’t keep walking away from opportunities like that. You can’t make hasty decisions like that. This man you were working for was obviously looking out for you and now you have to prove yourself to him all over again. Now you are all on your own because no one can stand behind your abilities because you never proved yourself. This could have been the place where the whole country recognized what you can do, but instead of working through your problems, you walked away. You have to humble yourself and just..TAKE IT. Whatever the mess is…TAKE IT and reap the benefits later.”

Take it?

Her words pierced me, a little. I’m sorry but It’s hard for me to take advice from someone who is not where I want to be in life. No one I know would make the decisions that I make but when it comes down to it, when I listen to my friends, most times I regret it. I know how to make the best decisions for me. I know what feels right for me and what’s important to me is not a paycheck. I yearn to FEEL APPRECIATED and to be RESPECTED in the workplace.

I don’t think I’m asking for too much. But I guess the world disagrees. Maybe everyone is out there grinding it out and taking it…just to pay bills.

You all KNOW my past and you KNOW how I seem to attract directors who use abusive words toward me. You KNOW my history with abuse and how for me…finally learning how to stand up for myself is important.

And for me…standing up for myself means walking away the FIRST time it happens. It’s not like I didn’t tell them when I started there: If you disrespect me and don’t appreciate me then that means this is not the place for me. I actually said those words. She STILL insulted me after I told her more than once that I would appreciate it if she did not make criticisms about my work ethic and lifestyle choices. I even asked to be considered for freelance or contracted work. I was trying to adjust. I tried. But when it came down to it, I had lost my smile. I was unhappy everyday and I didn’t like having to convince myself that I was in a place of blessing.

See…when I was younger I had a bit of a temper. I am my Mama’s child, after all. My Mama told me that when she was younger, her motto in the workplace was… “Beat that bitch ass! I can always find another job!”

Now, I’m not a fighting chick because I’m more eloquent than that, but I do realize that I need to work on standing up for myself in different ways. My friend Kim is excellent at standing up for herself. She doesn’t let anything slide. She speaks quickly, firmly and in a ladylike fashion and the other person knows they had better not go there again with her.

I, on the other hand, will just sit and take it as if the person is not offending me. The reason I do this is because I have to analyze whether or not what the person is saying is truly offensive, even though my feelings are hurt. I know that I am hypersensitive and I try to take that into account before I react. So I just take it…and take it.. and analyze it..and take it.. and then when I’m sure that the person doesn’t mean me well with their words or actions, I BLOW THE FUCK UP!

So…before I allow anyone to see the Liberty City in me..I’d rather walk away. I only wish I could receive what I give in the workplace. I don’t mess with anyone. Like Ruby said the other day, “I just want to WORK. That’s all.” I agree. I just want to work hard and exceed expectations and give my gift.

So yes, I do believe that this position could have set me in a place for my work to be appreciated by millions. And yes, I do miss my duties and responsibilities, but I am not a liar and I told her specifically what I required from a workplace and she still insulted me.

You know..I will finally be able to move on once my friends stop questioning me. I know they worry about me and I know they want me to be settled. I want to be settled too. I really do.

It’s no fun sitting on the floor believing God for sustenance when you know you have the skills to take care of yourself. I still don’t believe I was wrong for walking away.

And what people don’t realize is…it’s done with. I can’t take it back now. So…please stop telling me what I should have done and if you really want to help, tell me what I should be doing now.

All my love…