~exhale~
I took a shower and I feel a lot better.
It’s crazy how this blog captures me during those times when I’m on some kind of emotional high. Joyful or fearful, I always turn to my blog to help make sense of my feelings.
My blog is my bestfriend. It reminds me of those times when things were great and encourages me through those times when things are not so great. I swear this is the best free therapy I could ever get. Writing helps me to sort out my emotions. I can just…let it all out and then sit back and read what I wrote and understand my emotions better. It’s never asleep when I need help. It’s never too busy with family or other friends and it’s always, always willing to listen and to record the wild moments of the path that I’ve chosen.
I want to remember this moment forever.
Right now…I’m sitting on my back porch, sipping on a cup of warm tap water. I don’t have a patio chair so I just rolled up my old college sweat shirt and I’m sitting on that as a cushion. I have a pair of old gray sweat pants that I stole from Tamara and I place that behind my back for support since I have a lot of back aches.
I’m wearing an old white t-shirt. I have no idea where I got this. It’s HUGE so it may belong to some man from my past. I actually think I got it from Tamara though. I’m also wearing faded black denim shorts and flip flops. My lap top is balanced on my lap and my legs are crossed at the ankle.
I’m reflecting on today. It was filled with so many emotions. At first I was all giddy. I thought something was wrong with me. How could I be so joyful when I have nothing? Is this what people call deliriously happy?
My friend B sent me a story about a young graduate who had nothing, no job, no money, no place to live. All he had was $10 and he used it to buy himself a boxed dinner. Before he could eat it, a homeless man and his children approached him asking for money to buy food since they hadn’t eaten in over a week. He looked at the man’s face and…gave him his dinner. The man placed an old coin in his hand as a thankyou and walked away.
Then he went to lie down under a bridge “to wait to die”. I guess he had given up on his life. When you can’t see a way out of your circumstance death sometimes seems like the only solution. But I don’t really get that because no one knows what is on the other side of death. It could be a lot worse than your current life. But the story continued saying the man saw a newspaper next to him and glanced at it. It had an ad asking for people with old coins to come by the shop. When he visited the shop he gave the owner the coin and a few minutes later the owner handed him a check for $3 million.
How’s that for a change of circumstances? Just when he had given up, God made a way out of no way.
I did the same the other day. I woke up and looked in my purse, fingering my last $5 bill. I thought of the homeless man that I always see in the middle of the street. He has no legs sits in the hot sun in a wheelchair.
Once I bought him a bottle of water, another time I gave him money. Everytime I see him I try to give because I know what it’s like to be hungry with no place to go. There’s really no difference between he and I except I am really choosing my lifestyle whereas he may have no other options.
I decided to find him and give him my last little bit of money. I drove up to where he usually is and I saw him, once again, in the middle of the street sitting in his wheelchair. I put my car in park and grabbed all of the coins and the money from my purse. I placed the money into his hand and I said, “This is all I have. I want to give it to you as a seed offering. I am no more different from you right now. I need a miracle too. I bless you.”
He thanked me and I walked away. Back into my shiny red car. Back into my cozy leather seats. Back into my own reality as I await the next instructions for my life.
When I got home I asked myself, “Could I really wait five years for my dreams to come true? Could I be away from my sons for that long? Is my only other option to just…give in and go corporate and just..become a cog in the wheel of life?”
Kim says that God has no choice but to act on my behalf since I’m on this journey in His name. So many people are watching me. So many people are praying for me and hoping with me that…if I don’t become successful, so many will lose hope themselves.
That’s a lot of pressure on me but it does push me to keep the faith during my down times.
I believe in my gift. I believe in my dream. I believe in my ability to accomplish all that I hope for but…at the same time, I’m tired and sometimes I even question whether God really loves me. I always ask for forgiveness when I think like that because I know that we should be grateful during the good times and the bad. But sometimes I feel so alone and God never really says anything to me audibly which is what I need right now.
I can see why there are atheists. It’s so much easier to believe in self than in a higher power. The world seems so ugly when you aren’t linked to God and you feel like it’s the survival of the fittest and the more conniving you are, the more you’ll come out on top.
But I don’t think that way. I can’t think that way. I don’t know how to gossip and back bite or ‘kiss ass’ my way to affluence. I wasn’t trained to do that. I only know that when I give my gifts people appreciate them and I have been elevated because of them.
Maybe I can’t play the game the way it’s supposed to played. Maybe I’ll never be able to play it that way. Maybe that’s why I’m not good at cards either. When I would play cards with Tamara and her family, I’d cheer for Tamara when she won a hand or a book, even though she wasn’t on my team. Her fiance and cousin would look at me like I was crazy!
I guess I’m leading up to saying that…we all have decisions to make in life. No one ever knows what the exact outcome will be, but we still have to make them and just go with the flow. We can’t decide our fates, we can only adjust and move ahead.
It’s important to me that I give the very thing I always hoped to recive; love, guidance and a helping hand. But it’s also important to me to be with my children and help them grow into honorable men.
I’ve been chasing my dream for a year now, when everyone has been calling me crazy. The Prez used to tell me, “Pace yourself.” But I don’t think he understood my situation. How can I pace myself when I am in such a rush to meet my destiny and get my kids back? With no guidance but the feelings I get which I believe are from God, I’m back at the very place that I began last year; hoping and wishing for an opportunity on faith.
Am I willing to sacrifice watching my children grow up for a chance to secure the future of generations to come? The Radio Man did it and now his children are wildly successful. I always wanted to ask The Prez if he was angry at his Dad for working so much when he was a child. I wanted to ask him if he would be willing to do the same thing for his children. Did he think it was worth it? Was he happy in his place in life? Did he wish things turned out differently? What would make his life better right now?
I wanted to ask him those things because when I think of him and his brother I think of my sons. If I keep grinding like I am they may end up in the same situation. But will they appreciate their blessings or will they resent me?
I know that I can’t lose if I never give up. But where does a young single mom draw the line? Am I really the trailblazer that I think I am? Do I really have it in me? So far, it doesn’t seem to be happening. So far I’ve only changed cities but am in the same situation.
I remember my BBDD saying the same thing to me when I told him about my new job in Atlanta. “You’re still the same person,” he said. “Nothing is going to change from Florida to Georgia because you’re still you.”
I am still me. Yes, I am. And my life reflects who I am.
And since I reflect who God is…I am happy that I am me even though I have no clear direction right now. I am reminded to trust God to lead me to where He has me to be. I’m grateful for this reminder since I have no idea where I’m going and I don’t have anyone to help.
I have to remember that God is my supply and He has been so faithful to protect me and forgive me for my shortcomings. I have to stay positive and accept life’s punches as they come, believeing for a bright future..whenever that will come.
All I want is to be able to take care of my sons without having to ask their Daddy for a dime. Nothing has worked out so far but if I keep pushing I know I’ll figure it out.
I will figure it out.