I want to relax.
I want to slow down and enjoy my life.
I’m running and running because I feel like I have to make all my dreams come true NOW because I never want my sons and I to worry about money again. The idea of not being financially stable drives me to push for my dreams but I’m realizing that the stability might come if I slow down now and focus on one thing instead of a hundred different things. But I don’t know which thing.
I wish I had a partner to make decisions with.
I signed up for an online dating service last night, just to see what it was all about. It’s dumb. People judging me based on my picture and the few words I have chosen to share. You can’t chat with anyone beyond the scripted messages unless you pay. I had fun filling out the questionaire though. One of the essay questions was: Describe your perfect day.
I wrote:
My perfect day would begin with me waking up and getting my sons ready for school. I’d drop them off and come back home to write stories and manage my website. When it’s time to pick them up for school, I’d glide over and get them. We’ll do homework and have dinner and hang out and then I’ll put them to bed. Afterwards I’ll write some more and then chat with my friends.
I’d like that kind of life.
I’d give up most of my dreams of grandeur for that life. Maybe I don’t have to inspire millions. Maybe I don’t have to be a big-time personality. I dream of those things because I feel like that is what I should do with my gifts, give them to everyone. I know the masses would be uplifted by my words and I would never have to worry about finances because my gift would reel in the supply.
But…I’d like to slow down and stop thinking so hard about my dreams.
I’d like to just let them unfold as if they were an unexpected surprise. And if they don’t, I wouldn’t care because I’d know that me and my boys will be alright. It’s that insecurity that drives me. If I don’t PUSH we will never be together again. If I don’t make it happen RIGHT NOW, I’ll always be wondering if I’ll ever get to take care of them again.
I’m worn out from the struggle.
I want to sit down. I want to rest. I want to stop fighting.
I’d really like to relax, God. Please help me to stop running and to keep my promise to my boys that we will be back together again.