I’m back.
I had a good time too. My friend and I watched The Boondocks. That show amazes me. Whenever I watch an episode, by the end of it, my mouth is hanging open and I’m thinking, “What an amazing creator.” I may have to do more research on this Aaron McGruder guy. He’s brilliant. I may make him my new fantasy crush. Depends on how I feel. We’ll see.
So where was I?
Wow. I can’t believe I fell back into this so easily. You would think that it would be more difficult to just open up like this all over again, but then..why would it be? I’ve always seen blogging as a form of journaling and until the days before I stopped writing, it never mattered to me what people thought about what I was writing or thinking or doing.
So I guess I’ll start back there.
I was in Dallas. I had quit my dream job at the website because I felt like it wasn’t the best environment for me. I was sitting in my apartment living on faith and eating lots of faith sandwhiches while being consistently bombarded with everyone’s opinions on what I should do next and what I should be thinking and what should be important. I’ll admit, it was overwhelming. Most would say, “Dude, don’t answer your phone if it’s all that.” But see…I have a problem, I’m way too nice. I actually take the time to listen to everyone’s opinion, even if I don’t care to hear it. But so many opinions started to cloud my judgement. So many voices in my ear stifled my direction.
My friend Ruby even said to me, “Tee, you don’t need to allow everyone to have so much access to you.” She was right. At that time, anyone who had ever known me could call me or email me to speak into my life and I felt as thought I owed them the right to tell me how they felt because they loved me enough to speak their opinion.
For a couple of weeks prior to my releasing this blog I kept feeling on my heart that I should take a break from being so public about my life. But I didn’t want to disappoint the people who were following my story.
It’s crazy that I knew that people who supposedly “hated” me would log on everyday to read about my journey. But on the flip side, there were also people whose lives were encouraged by my honesty. I figured if I never became the woman that I envision myself becoming, maybe, through this blog I would help ONE person to achieve their destiny or break free from a bad habit that mirrored mine, then maybe, you know, maybe my talent didn’t go to waste.
It was a Friday night that I decided to take a fast from blogging. That night I prayed and asked God if He would speak to me to tell me where I should go next with my blog since it had begun to feel more like a burden than an artistic release. When I woke up the next morning all I felt in my heart was, “It’s done.” I knew then that it was time to let this go seeing as it had become my spilling ground for every emotion, every decision, every heartache. So I said goodbye.
And then I cried for what seemed like an hour.
I know that sounds so nerdy but this month makes 4 years since I have been writing this blog. My whole journey from college senior to –um–whatever I am now had been recorded and put on blast for all to see and read.
I never intended for so many people to see this. I didn’t start off going to other blogs and leaving comments to encourage other people to read my blog. I just wrote about my life, the embarrassing moments, the moments of doubt, the hopes for my future. Then everything just went crazy for a minute.
I honestly still don’t really care if anyone reads this or not. It’s kind of embarrassing, no heartwrenching actually, to share so many failures with the world. Who wants to be known for fucking up all the time? I know I don’t.
But then…somehow in the midst of my fuck ups, there were people who have shared with me how my mistakes have helped them to grow, to learn more and to evaluate themselves on a deeper level. And if my writing can do that for someone, why should I hold that back?
I am a little afraid to write again. I know, it’s supposedly only a blog, but if you have been reading this for any period of time, you’ll know I’m not just that regular blogger. This is my soul on canvas. This is my art.
Seeing as I may never know where my journey will take me, maybe I’ll accomplish all of my dreams, or maybe my dreams will change. I don’t know.
All I know is..from the moment I stepped away from this I became a new person.
And I love who I am everyday.
And I’ve learned that loving me is the most important thing.
And I’m not afraid to be me anymore.
And I’m not going to hide who I am anymore.
I’ll share with you how I came to that conclusion very soon.
I am grateful that I came to this revelation. On the real, when art begins to feel like work, it’s time to take a break.
For now..I breathe a heavy sigh of relief because I got my baby back.
I love my blog…
Here’s to me and you recording the transition to a beautiful life together.
Cheers!