This Thanksgiving was extra special to me because I got to spend it with my sons compared to last year when I was in Atlanta and I was all alone.
They still live with their father because I still haven’t gotten myself together yet and the truth is, he is more stable financially than I am.
I sleep on the couch at my Mama’s house for the most part. But my clothes and other keepsakes are still in my car. In a sense, I’m still living like I did when I was in the hostels, I just have a consistent place to sleep every night and I don’t have to pay…until January, my Mama says. Then she’ll start charging me rent.
My BBDD and I had a few rough moments since I’ve gotten back to Miami but things seemed to have blown over between us. Our relationship is better than it has ever been before. He calls me when he is running late and I go get the boys until he can make it back to his part of town and whenever I ask to see them he never says No.
The problem is, I stay with my Mama and believe it or not, she hasn’t been that open to having them around all the time. But lately I’m beginning to think it’s that she doesn;t want to have ME around when they are around. She’s used to running the show when they are with her and will sometimes undermine my authority with the kids. So that creates a conflict when I won’t back down.
But after much hoopla between everyone, the boys were allowed to stay here with me for Thanksgiving break. Five whole days of love and today was day 2. We woke up early this morning and Thanksgiving dinner was already ready. In my Mama’s house, she stays up all night, the night before Thanksgiving to finish the dinner so by breakfast time, we can eat and then sleep and chill all day.
Things pretty much went that way today. We ate, we played. We laughed, we played some more. We ate again. By 4pm I got the boys dressed and we went to visit Tamara’s family.
It was great to see my girl again and her kids. Ofcourse she looks darling in some new apple bottom jeans. “These are the jeans that Ricky bought me,” she said and twirled. I only call her “new friend” Ricky because he is prettier than me…and her…and almost anyone I know. He’s beautiful.
While my kids played tag with her family’s kids in the backyard, all the adults took turns taking shots, eating and dancing to the calypso music blasting from the stereo. Her Mom has 7 sisters and they all look alike. You should see her family, they would make you jealous, all of these beautiful Trinidadian women dancing and whining their hips. I feel like such a nerd when I’m with them, I can’t do the whine thing for anything.
After about four hours of chatting and laughing, my back starts to hurt from my bra and I decided to call it a night. I gather my boys and we head back to my Mama’s house, listening to Kanye sing the whole way.
“What does that mean Mama?” my older son asked when he heard a verse from Everything I Am.
“Ummm…” I blushed. “Well, ‘when the shit hits the fan’ means ‘when everything blows up and gets out of control’.”
“Why does he say it like that?”
“It’s an old saying that people use. Remember when you asked me why he was talking about a city and calling it ‘her’ and I told you that poets tend to make an inanimate object and talk about it like it’s a living thing? Well, it’s just a play on words. When you love to write and speak, you can use simple words and give them different meanings.”
By the time we got back it was after 9pm.
“Go ahead and get undressed and then take a bath. Grandma says when you are all done you can play the Wii with her.”
After playing tennis, boxing, golf, baseball and bowling, the boys were a little tired so we went to lie down. It’s my favorite part of hanging out with them. They call it “cuddle time”.
“Why do you like to cuddle so much Boo Boo?” I asked my older son the last time they were here.
“Cuz we get to talk.”
We do.
We talk about everything. I ask them questions and they ask me questions and we really have some wild conversations.
Tonight was no exception.
Somehow we got on the subject of how God will give you something that you didn’t ask for and it will turn out to be the best thing for you.
“Rememeber how I told you that I thought I thought I wanted a girl when I was pregnant with you but God gave me you and now I’m so happy that He did that cuz girls are way too girly and I got the best gift I could have ever gotten. Two strong boys!”
“Mama…tell me how you ended up going to Georgia and Texas,” my older son asked out of the blue. “Why did you choose to go there?”
“Well, remember before I left I didn’t have a job?”
“You did have a job, Mama. What happened?”
“Well, I lost my job. They decided they didn’t want me to work there anymore. I got fired and I couldn’t find another one. So remember my friend we went to see tonight, Tamara?”
“Yes.”
“Well, she lives in Georgia and she invited me to come stay with her up there and try to find a job up there. I really didn’t want to go but I didn’t have any job down here so I had to try. Sometimes you have to make a move to get what you want.”
” But look what happened,” I explained. “I got fired from that job in Georgia too and ended up moving to Texas. If I would have had you we would have been struggling and God didn’t want that for us so that’s why He had you with your Daddy.”
“How many jobs did you have Mama?”
“Umm..about 4 different jobs since I left, baby.”
“Did they all fire you?”
“No, I left two of them to find a better job. Then the last one still wasn’t right for me, or so I thought at the time and I left it and came back here. I’ve been looking for secretary jobs down here but I can’t find one. So I’ve been working on my book and writing stories for newspapers and magazines.”
“When are you going to find a job, Mama?”
“I’m trying baby. But I tell you what. Remember that God has a plan for us and you are doing so well with your Daddy. He is taking such good care of you and ya’ll are learning and becoming such good little boys since ya’ll have been with him. Remember I told you that everything happens for a reason? No matter what happens, it’s God’s best for our lives and we have to be grateful even when it seems like it’s not what we want. I promise it’s all going to turn out for the best. See, we get to spend lots of time together. We get to cuddle and have fun.”
At this point, both my sons are laying next to me, one on each side,both cradled in my arms. My younger son starts rubbing his eyes and his brother says, “He’s crying, Mama.”
“No he’s not. He’s just sleepy,” I say. I can’t see him because it’s so dark.
“Boo Boo?” I call out. “Are you okay?”
I hear little whimpers and then I hear a long wail.
“What’s wrong Boo Boo? What’s wrong?”
His cries become more insistent and he starts gasping for air.
“Mama, I want to stay with yooooouuu….” he wails. “I want to be with youuu…”
I’m trying not to cry because I want the same thing but it’s not in the cards right now for us and there’s nothing I can do.
“Baby,” I say and wipe his tears. “Baby…Please don’t cry. We’re together right now right? We’re cuddling right now. We’ll be together again soon. Your Daddy is taking such good care of you. Just trust that things will work out for us. They have to. I want to be with you too.”
“Thank you boys for being so strong and so good for your Daddy. He loves you so much and so do I. Thank you for understanding,” I say and kiss both of them on their foreheads.
I hold him and I cry silently as he drifts off to sleep.
Everyday I remain joyful knowing that my situation is not permanent. I can see the other side. I can see me coming out.
I have no doubts about our wonderful future together.
I see me and my boys living lovely in our beautiful home. Their Dad is nearby and we both have a hand in raising our children. They are blessed, healthy and growing steadily and I praise God everyday for our happiness.
Even though things may seem like they will never get back on track, that is an illusion. Things always get back on track. Things always work out even better than we can imagine. But we won’t receive the best if we don’t understand God’s leading in our lives.
Through the ups and downs of life, the dissappointments and the fear, there is one thing that is consistent and that is wherever we are in life, there is a purpose for it. Nothing is permanent. not failure, not bliss, not success. The only thing we can count on is the evolution. And through it all we must trust that we are moving toward a brighter future.
If we can’t trust in that then we may as well go lock ourselves away and throw away the key. If we choose not to do that, then we must choose to focus on the promise that things WILL get better.
I choose to smile and be grateful for the promise, every single day.