I went out to a social games night after meeting this young lady on the street. The young lady owns an event planning firm and wanted me to come see her event. It was so good! I only stayed for an hour before my head started spinning and I needed to get out of there to be alone but it was a good start.
The food was good, the music was GREAT and there were all types of games to play. Now you KNOW I don’t like playing games because I am not competitive so I don’t care if I win. My thought process is- What do I win if I win? Nothing. So I don’t like to play. LOL
But I had fun. I played DOMINOES. I knew the rules already but I’m still counting the chips and matching them up but the people I was playing with were soooo much fun and super cool!
Like, I gave them my business cards and I do hope they will contact me to hang out again.
It would be nice to have some friends to hang out with sometimes. =)
Ok. So I’m all done with the editorial for tomorrow. My head has been spinning with planning the project so I didn’t get any writing done until today.
I’m learning so much at this point. The thing is, I know the site doesn’t look all that right now but you see how much it has grown. I want to make it better looking but for now the content is on point I think.
I love doing this everyday. I feel like a super powerful contributor to society.
LOL
I do question myself from time to time and that’s because I can’t question anyone else. There’s no one to ask, “Is this okay? Should I write about this?”
So I have to make the decision myself and be comfortable with the decisions I make. I also have to lead others in their writing and direct their editorial contributions. Sometimes I am nervous. you KNOW my personality. I am so not mainstream or conservative and it shows in the content I publish.
My only hope, really, is that I can cover enough topics to set people free from feeling shame about themselves or their choices and to guide others away from misery.
I want to help. I want to help myself first too.
I don’t know.
I don’t know. I’m trying my best and giving goodness to the world and this is the only way I know how to do it.
I had to turn on the air conditioner today because it is hella hot in South Florida. I was literally sweating. By the time the bill is deducted from my account I’ll be gone from here. My electric bill has been less than $20 for the past 4 months because I haven’t had to use the A/C. I can’t believe it and I’m kind of spoiled but oh well.
Tonight I’m going through my papers and things. I am going to get rid of most of my treasured memories because I can only store one box at my Mama’s house so all the letters and term papers must go.
I’m saying goodbye to my past. I don’t know what’s ahead. I am not afraid of failure but I’m still afraid of what’s to come. I feel grown. I do. I trust myself. Yet, I do wish I had a partner to bounce ideas off of and to be my anchor and to trust to be my support with everything.
I miss my sons. I haven’t seen them in 2 weeks. I won’t get them again until the weekend before my project begins, for one last hurrah before I drift into the unknown.
No, I didn’t go anywhere. It’s just, there are no screens on the windows in my studio so at night when I don’t want to run the airconditioner I leave the windows opened and mosquitoes fly in and attack me all night.
Usually I have to hide completely under the covers in a little coccoon so that they can’t get me but last night when I turned on the A/C and closed the windows I felt like I was in heaven.
It felt like luxury to me even though my place is in the absolute worst shape it’s ever been in with me going through my things and throwing most of it away. I took out 4 trash bags of stuff last night and I still have two boxes to go. Anything that is not a picture or an award or a card is going in the garbage.
I threw away so much stuff and books I’ll never read again because I don’t like that fiction novel stuff anymore. I cried and cried and listened to It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday over and over again as I ripped up pictures and threw away old notes and research from grad school.
I can’t believe that shit is over. Man. I’m glad though. After that internship I knew I didn’t wanna work in that field. I would have been so depressed everyday working in an office with file cabinets and co workers who ask, “What are you doing for lunch?” EVERY DAMN DAY. Why? Ugh.
Next I have to tackle my clothes. I already know what I’m taking with me so everything must go. I wore my blue dress last week and I still have some stuff I’ve never worn but oh well, some charity is going to be lucky.
Today I was so horny all day. All day I just wanted to have an orgasm. So I masturbated like, twice but still I wasn’t satisfied.
I rolled my eyes and looked at my phone knowing good and well there are no phone numbers in there and even if their were, the MEN attached to those penis’s aren’t worth the 15 second orgasm anyway.
I feel like a BEAST!
All I wanna do is get BEAT DOWN and then fall asleep.
I talk too much.
I’m scared.
No I’m not. I mean I am not afraid of failure. I’m not afraid of failing myself but I am afraid of failing others.
I just want this project to turn out right. I want to see women walk away feeling so good about themselves and empowered and I want them to always remember what I did.
Blah Blah.
I heard Kanye has a new girlfriend. I’m considering breaking up with him for that. I guess everybody needs love though. I hope it lasts for him.
By Rory Raye Here are some things we may think of as “friendly,” that are actually CHASING a man:Every woman should read this and take heed.
1. Calling him up. This includes calling him because you heard or read about something interesting, or because you knew there was a great band playing somewhere, or someone told you about some great event that you want to invite him to or – anything at all. This includes calling him to ask him why he hasn’t called you. This includes calling him to tell him you’re upset that you haven’t heard from him. This includes calling him to give him directions to your home or answering any question he hasn’t specifically asked, or giving him any information he hasn’t specifically asked for, or offering anything. This does NOT include: You’re having a problem or an emergency, and you can’t reach a friend or a relative, and you’ve been dating him long enough that he’s started “future-talking” about things he’d like to do with you and places he’d like to go with you, and you need his help. Don’t be afraid of appearing weak. If you need something — something of course that has nothing to do with the relationship — don’t be afraid to ask. This is what being a girl is all about. 2. E-mailing him, texting him, facebooking him, writing him, sending him a cute card, dropping by his house, dropping by his gym, calling up his friend, or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact. 3. Making suggestions, making plans and then inviting him to come and join you, offering to drive to him, offering to drive on the date, offering to put him up for the night on your couch, or in your bed… …Offering to cook for him, initiating sex, initiating affection (in any way other than smiling with an open heart and body), initiating the “talk” about “where the relationship is going,” getting anything having to do with the relationship “started”… …Creating a “special occasion,” sending him anything (pictures, mementos, ideas), thinking out loud to him about things you can do together, telling him about things you can do together, and creating things to do together… …Or, in any way, acting like the social director of the relationship. 4. Asking him how he “feels.” This includes, especially, asking him how he feels about “you,” or the “relationship.” These are things we do almost without even thinking about it. These are things that feel natural to us. It feels almost weird and unnatural to not do these things. It feels like we’re not being “nice.” It feels like we’re not being “friendly.” It feels like we’re going to lose him by not letting him know we’re “interested” in him. It feels like we’re just letting him slip through our fingers. AND, NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Everything on this list is the same as putting a sign on your chest that says “Needy.” It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him. He may LIKE it. He may go along with it. He may be flattered. He may have no one else around and so he’ll date you. He may even come to like you very much. You may even end up in a relationship with him. But, you will never know how he really feels about you. As long as YOU’RE the one running the show, he may follow, but he’ll never feel inspired. And, you will never feel adored. This is the point where you will find yourself up late at night crying and wondering why he doesn’t want to commit. AMEN!!!!Bitch get yo mind right cuz we need to stop TRYING so hard to make a man feel something for us! If he ain’t feelin it, fuck’em! Dayum! Somebody got it right I am so OVER that bullshit I used to hear in my ear all the time trying to fuckin tell me to WORK HARDER, DO MORE, GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO LOVE YOU. Fuck him! All of em! He ain’t shit anyway.Penis ain’t gold.Damn!
I’m having this weird intuition about my children’s father and I haven’t told anyone about it. It’s not exactly positive it just feels like TRUTH, it’s something I think is going to happen in the future, near future, maybe not this year but soon. I don’t know. I can’t utter it aloud without feeling like I’d be the cause of it.
So I’m gonna let it go.
I was reading through some old Notes From The Universe and I came across one that made me cringe. See, when you first sign up for the Notes, they ask you to type in 3 things that you would like to happen. The first thing you type they use as an autofill to remind you to keep believing that it’s coming.
They don’t use it EVERYDAY but every once in a while it pops up and my heart just cringes because, I don’t believe it could happen. I see no way I could manage it and I can not believe I even put it in there.
But I have to NOT be afraid to dream, right?
So here it is, even with all the opposition from their father-
My biggest, wildest, most unbelievable dream is to one day have a spectacular home with my sons. I want them to live with me again.
I know it doesn’t seem like much to you, but to me, sitting here on my bed with a new business and no income from it yet and no car and no support system really, I can’t imagine that it could ever happen or what I could do to make it happen or IF I have the strength to be a full time mom again.
There.
I said it.
Out loud.
That’s my dream.
My most treasured one.
I want it, but I want to be a GOOD Mom, who has time for her kids and patience.
I don’t know. Anything could happen, right? Right.
Just imagine. I spent all these years doing videos and writing articles and going through all of these jobs and learning all of these things that seemed to have NOTHING to do with each other and guess what- now I see how they all relate.
I went to grad school so I could learn the information that I now share through counseling. I didn’t need the degree, just the knowledge.
I worked at Denny’s and Red Lobster for years and fine-tuned my service skills so that I could be a better servant. I met hundreds of people who fell in love with me instantly and they will remember me.
I worked as a tour agent selling tickets and having to walk up to people and convince them to believe in my words and do what I say. I am doing that right now.
I hosted my own talk show which fine tuned my presentation skills.
I made over 100 videos which totally let me know I have something powerful to share.
I have survived hunger pains, losses and no gain, just struggle. The women I write for and encourage all come from the same place that I am in now. We KNOW each other inside and out.
At this very moment, I am feeling so good its like a light bulb just went off. I no longer have fear about this.
Everything is lining up for some purpose I know nothing about but will end up being a good thing, I’m certain.
I am CERTAIN.
Whether or not anyone agrees or whether or not anyone believes with me or whether people think I’m being delusional or stupid, it’s all ok.
I know what the bottom is like. I’ve been there in thought and in my physical circumstances so I can’t be afraid of what I know.
This is my time.
I’m gonna rock the hell out of this opportunity and show the world how much I care for others and just how awesome I am!
