Month: July 2008

Something is pushing me.

I tried to go to sleep last night at around midnight because I was tired. All of a sudden my entire body started shivering and words just started flowing into my mind. I allowed them to flow and I recognized them as words that should go in the next chapter of my book but I really didn’t want to get up.

They didn’t go away. After a few minutes I sat up straight and turned on my laptop to begin writing. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I felt like I was possessed by the words. After I was done with one chapter I went ahead and started the next one. When two chapters were done I said, “May as well go the extra mile and finish the last one.”

I didn’t go back to sleep until after 6am.

I had finished my entire book by then…I was so tired I couldn’t even celebrate.

I woke up around 11am and went sleepwalking to the cafeteria for food. I managed to lift my fork enough to take a few bites of pineapple slices and a couple of bites of pizza but I didn’t have the energy to eat anything else.

I slogged back to my room and checked my voicemail. My designer had called to discuss what’s next.

“Go ahead and send me the full version of your book, make it as clean as possible,” she said.

So I opened my laptop to begin the editing process. I created every page just like it would look in a book and I spent at least an hour deciding which order the chapters would go in to give the greatest affect. Since it’s a self help book, there’s no real order that it HAD to go in, but I really wanted the emotional effect of the content to be smooth and uplifting.

I worked and I worked and I edited and I added paragraphs, deleted words, re arranged sentences, expanded on other stories. Then I researched quotes and made up a lot of my own inspirational quotes to highlight throughout the book.

Then I read some more and tweeked some more. Before I knew it 8 hours had gone by.

So I read some more and edited some more and created the content for the front and back covers. I wrote a bio for myself and an acknowledgment section and then I read it once again for continuity.

I sat back and smiled. All done.

I spent 10 hours editing my book today but I just sent it to my designer so that she can start on the layout.

I heard back from another agent today. She said that she will review my proposal and get back with me within two weeks if she is interested in my project. I felt good about that.

I just tried to go to sleep but the words for the focus group questionaire keeps flowing through my mind. Again, I sat up and turned on the light, so I’m about to write that and send the copies of my book to the people who volunteered to critique it for me.

What a long, long process but you know what? I enjoyed every last second of it. Editing was way more fun than writing the actual book though. I got to polish my sentences, choose more fancy words and have fun with the text.

I don’t know what’s pushing me, but when the words flow like they did last night and today..I have to listen and write.

Thanks for all the love!

I was so blessed today. I sent out the manuscripts for my book to my focus group at like 4am and today I already received two glowing testimonies.

I wanted to share them with you because I am stunned…

Here’s the first one…

Its 4 am here and I’ve already started reading. Once I saw your email I couldn’t go back to sleep!! I’ve already cried and know that I’ve done things to keep myself single. I’m going to continue reading…I’ll have my “review” soon. Thanks Tee, I really needed this.

and here’s the second…

Wow. I just finished your book. Its AWESOME! I love, love love it! I know about 6 people that need to read it!

I started reading it at work..then I sat at the nail salon getting my pedicure and read..then I went to dry and read the rest. To be honest, I want to start doing most of the stuff you suggested. I can’t wait! I need to admit that relationships are over, mourn the loss of it, and find me a new man! LOL.

The Manifestation part..I struggled to read that. I don’t exactly know why..maybe because I saw the Oprah shows about it, and am already familiar. I dunno..I might reread that chapter and see if I feel different.

The part about the post card and the bookstore. Wow..I could picture me doing that, and I started to get emotional. What would my secret be, I wondered.

The dedication to your boys..I read that like 5 times. I guess it’s easy for you to speak those words, since they are so true.

They feel me, heal me and saved me.–wow..words of a true inspirational speaker!

I guess I will try to answer your question sheet that you sent.

I just have so much more to say! –and I am the rebel of the group!The book was an easy read..the flow was perfect..I wish there was more, though. I could have read for months!

But I am such a big fan of your writing, I am not surprised how engaged I was. I think your personal stories were the best–I was really into them!

I guess it was like reading a page from your blog. Very impressive!

You are going to be famous!

Thank you, thank you for letting me do this..It means a lot to know that my opinion is important to you. I wish you much success in this book, girl..you deserve it!

Ride or die..

Wow. I’m speechless and so very proud that my writing has touched someone’s heart. I can’t WAIT for you to read it!

I found this article by chance today and it really spoke to my heart. I never would label myself as a free spirit because I don’t like labels but the tips they gave really hit home. If you want to capture my heart, following these suggestions would help a lot.

How To Tame A Free Spirit

Have you met someone who’s fiercely independent, and yearn for their devotion? The key to taming a wild soul is to make him or her feel like they can be freer with you than with anybody else. Here’s how to have that free spirit eating out of your hand, willingly and happily.

1. Get your priorities straight. What do you want most out of the relationship? Think about what your top three expectations are: Commitment? Respect? Honesty? Affection? Companionship? Passion? Security? A free spirit is not the kind to twist and turn to meet your every need. You’ll have to make it simple for them by coming to an understanding of what you want most out of a relationship and asking for that, and nothing else.

2. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Things like punctuality, precautions, and any other kind of minor limit or inhibition will be of no concern to an independent mind. They like to flow through life, following their whims – and this often makes them extremely creative and fascinating individuals, which is what probably attracted you to them in the first place. By imposing dams, as little as they may be, you could very well suffocate the qualities that make this person desirable to you, if you don’t manage to scare them off first.

3. Choose your battles wisely. Don’t nitpick. If they’re 15 minutes late and you end up missing a movie, roll with the punches and see the next one. But if they’re 45 minutes late to pick you up in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood, that’s serious. In general, if it doesn’t directly threaten the priorities you established in Step 1, then let it go and just enjoy the ride.

4. Avoid setting rules. Restrictions are like chains, and will send this wild horse running towards the horizon. Instead of saying, “Don’t ever cheat on me,” say “You’d be silly to risk losing such an awesome person like me just so you could get a little extra on the side.”

5. Get to know the person inside out. Study their tendencies, their quirks, their deepest desires, and their worst fears. Always be accepting and open-minded. Knowledge is power. The better you know this person, the less you’ll feel the need to control them. Moreover, he or she will sense this and feel like you’re the only person who truly knows them and thus, the only person they can be their uninhibited selves around. To a free spirit, this is the jackpot.

6. Give them the benefit of the doubt. A person who values his or her independence will truly test your ability to trust. You need to determine early on whether or not you trust this person, and then trust them completely. Sure, you might get burned, but you also might capture the heart of a person that no one else could touch.

7. Get in touch with your own free spirit. Don’t sit at home, wondering what he or she is doing, or when they’re going to call. Get in your car and take a road trip. Visit an old friend. Watch a new movie. Taste a different kind of food. Your free spirit will respect you for it, and feel a sense of kinship with you when you both get home and recount your adventures.

8. Appreciate their free-spiritedness. The number one condition that all free spirits demand of their relationships is acceptance. If you don’t accept the free spirit, the free spirit takes that as an assault on his/her freedom. If you accept them exactly as they are and place no expectations/conditions on them, then they can trust you. And only in trust can a relationship develop. Just remember that independence is something to be appreciated, not just tolerated, you’ll be giving a free spirit exactly the kind of nourishment that it needs.

Tips

· If you want something, let it go, and if it’s meant to be, he or she will return out of their own free choosing, not because they feel obligated. Sometimes a free spirit needs to prove to itself that it can still fly before it settles down in one place.
· Don’t try to change him or her. This is a classic mistake, in any kind of relationship, but especially when you’re dealing with a rugged individual.
· Give them time to themselves and to their projects. Independent individuals tend to have a burning need to progress alone – sometimes you have to let them go down a path by themselves and just let them know you’ll be there for them when they get to the end.

I woke up this morning with a full plan for the day. I got dressed and went on my way, only to find that…

Every single door I tried to open was closed to me.

Every single one.

It went like this…

Knock, knock! SLAM!

Knock, knock! SLAM!

Knock, knock! Get the hell outta here!

And when I got back from my escapade what did I find? A big fat parking ticket on my car at the metrorail station. ~shakes head~

My motivational self is whispering, “You know that all closed doors push you towards your greater destiny…

But I don’t wanna hear that shit right now.

I want SOMETHING that I’ve been praying for to happen. I want a praise resport to share instead of trying a billion avenues and finding them all closed for construction.

Can a bitch get a YES?! dang…

I hate being pushed around by destiny.

It was just after 1 am when I got home.

My leg was still trembling after my date with ~sigh~ Old Faithful. Lord, help me! They don’t make’em like they make’em in MIAMI!

With a goofy grin on my face I checked my email.

Oh. Kel sent his manuscript already.

He had called me up last week after being MIA for I don’t know how long. But I guess that was my fault since I gave him the cold shoulder that last time we saw each other.

None of that seemed to matter as he breathed excitedly into the phone. “I’m one chapter away from finishing my book!” I smiled. Kel had been working on his book for two and a half years. I knew that it was some kind of science fiction type action type deal that I figured that I wouldn’t like.

But what really impressed me was when I went to his apartment earlier this year and I saw his workspace. He had a big bulletin board with each chapter of his novel tacked to it. He had pictures of his character and short descriptions of who they were also tacked on to the board. As I surveyed his space my heart filled with warmth.

Now THIS is a real writer!

But I never got a peek at his manuscript then. He still had quite a while to go before it was done. So when he called me last week to tell me he was almost finished, I grinned and told him, “I’m a few chapters away from finishing my book too!”

“That’s awesome!” he said and we both laughed at the kinship.

“I guess we’ll have to trade,” I said.

I opened up the email, read the brief message and downloaded the attachment. I crossed my legs, grabbed my bottle of water and took a swig as I leaned back against the headboard of my bed.

“Let’s see what Kel is working with.”

As I began his first chapter I grinned as he introduced his main character. I remember him telling me that he based her looks on me, with the same haircut that I used to have and green eyes too.

I read and I read and I read and I read and my heart began to beat faster with each sentence.

I picked up my phone although it was nearly 2am and quickly dialed his number.

“Hello,” he answered groggily.

“WAKE UP!”

“I’m up. I’m up.”

“Boy! I’m reading your book and this is the REAL DEAL!”

He laughed. “I’m glad you like it.”

“No! I don’t think you understand. I don’t read stuff like this but I’m all up in this story! I’m scared!”

“What are you afraid of?” he asked.

“I’m just afraid to know what’s about to happen next.”

“Well, it’s nothing freaky…”

“I’m just,” I struggled to explain how I felt. I felt that his novel was going to become a hit and that it would easily translate over into film.

“Look,” I said seriously. “We have to get you an editor and clean this up. I’ve already been contacting agents and that’s your next step. You’ve got to get your proposal together. This is really good!”

“Thank you,” he spoke modestly. “I’m glad you like it.”

“No time for that,” I cut him off. “We’re about to do this together.”

“I like that.”

“Uh huh,” I murmered and then issued a challenge. “Let’s see who can sell the most copies.”

Whew!

I’m back. I finished my research paper, presentation and genogram on Falling In Love. Thank God Tamara allowed me to share so much of her personal relationship history with my professor and classmates for my final project.

I used pictures and all as I described what the process is like for falling in love, well, in Tamara’s case. I did so much research and learned so much about how different attitudes can block the ability to be loved.

There’s one theory called The Imago Theory… ~shakes head~

I almost cried after reading it.

There is an unconcious repetitive need to seek partners who pffer- for good or for bad- the familiar love of childhood. The attempt to change a partner from one who offers the negative aspects to one who offers affirming love is an attempt to reverse the trauma of unattached love in childhood. Consciousness of the pattern is the requirement to begin its reversal. (Love 246-249)

So… The study included a case study of a woman who was in therapy complaining that all of the men she attracted were needy and boring and how she wanted to meet more independent minded men, a REAL man. The therapist shook her head and asked how she would go about doing that.

The woman said that she would wear business suits and wear her hair up and wear black heels and stockings. The therapist told her to go ahead and try it. The woman came back excitedly for her next session. She told the therapist that her plan worked. A man in a business suit approached her and told her that she looked like a woman who could take care of herself. He invited her to accompany him to a business trip in San Diego.

The woman goes on the business trip and during the night she’s in bed with the guy and she has an awful stomache ache. She creeps out of the bed and takes a cab to the emergency room in this strange city that she has never visited. The doctor tells her she is just fine, but seems to be under a lot of stress. When she returns to the hotel the guy asks her where she has been. When she tells him the story he says, “Good for you. I like a woman who can take care of herself.”

She went back to her therapist and she was so hurt. The therapist asks her to describe her relationship with her parents and she said, ‘They were preoccupied and unavailable.’

“And how did you respond to this frustration as a child?” the therapist asked.

“I trusted no one and took care of myself,” the lady answered.

“BINGO!” said the therapist.

The text reads: Caution is the strategy when you meet a potential partner and the attraction is intense. It can mean you have found someone who fits your imago and will reactivate the early hurts from childhood. She must realize that they are simply a replication of her early hurts from childhood. They feel familiar and fit her imago- her unconcious image of love. Her journey is to have the courage to accept the love of a man who is available and realize the boredom she feels with him is a defense against true love. The love she believes she does not deserve.

DAMN!!!!!!!

I almost fell out!

But it makes so much sense! Why am I only attracted to men who don’t like me? Why am I constantly fantasizing about men who are unavailable to me? The men who DO like me, i push away as soon as I can. Why? Because the type of love they offer isn’t what I subconciously believe love is- the type of love I learned in childhood, which means being dissatisfied and critical of me and my efforts.

That is exactly the type of love I got from my children’s father, Salisu A. Richardson. He was never satisfied with my looks, my efforts, my dreams or who I was. But I guess I hoped that he would change his mind one day. If this theory is correct then that means I hoped he would change his mind about me, one day valuing me, which would help to repair the pain I felt as a child when my own parents did not ever show approval for who I was.

Wow!

So..it goes without saying that if someone who you are trying to show love to, won’t accept it, it may be because they don’t believe they deserve the kind of love you are offering. The more they return hatred for love, the more they are fighting against the belief that the love you have to offer is genuine. They don’t believe they deserve it.

There’s nothing you can do to change their minds either. They will keep allowing themselves to be in the painful, critical relationships that remind them of their parents love for them and all the goodwill in the world won’t change that. It’s really up to them.

Don’t fight with them about it. Step back and be a friend if you can.

I..I’m looking at the world and my relationships in a whole new light. In fact, last night I allowed a man to hang out with me. I swore I wouldn’t do that again after learning Taylor, the white guy, was really an asshole in disguise. But that’s really his problem, not mine. I was nothing but friendly and encouraging to him. He has his own issues to bear I guess.

But last night, I had a great time with this young man I met a while ago. It didn’t feel like pressure. There was no attraction and we just talked and talked and laughed.

After cursing out this other man last week because he came to see me and spent the entire hour I was with him, telling me what I needed to change, I realized that I push men away very quickly if they even mention that there is one aspect of who I am that needs improvement.

I don’t need to hear that shit from anyone. I am well aware of who I am and my choices are my choices. I think the fact that I never ask anyone to be anything other than who they really irritates me because others walk into my life and are critical of how I live my life. I make choices everyday and I am okay with each and every one of them.

“I’m not your daughter or your client,” I told him. “Don’t even call me again.”

This chick I mentioned before who called me lame because i told her I like to read, write and study success for fun, she STILL emails me talking about let’s go out for lunch or something. I’m like, “Huh? For what? You go on and hang out with the cool people you know and I’ll continue to focus on the shit I love to do.”

You know what? I do not apologize for being into what I’m into. I’m into personal development, writing, blogging, inspiration, success. Anything outside of that- yawn- not really interested. If it doesn’t push me towards one of my goals, I don’t consider doing it. It’s like..

It’s like..when I’m not doing what I love to do…

I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

I don’t like to do wrong. So..I’ll keep striving…

So I’ve been equerying agents to represent me in hopes that I can get a lofty publishing deal. I think my book is great, has mass appeal and is written in an easy to understand, inspirational style. I’ve been having so much fun receiving REJECTION emails from agents.