My life is a miracle.
And this past weekend was evidence of that.
I spent time with my boys this weekend at their Saturday acting practice. Their Dad is a director of an acting group that he belonged to when he was a kid and now he is taking his boys with him to participate. I think it’s a great thing, I can only imagine what it is doing for their confidence, plus they are always so delighted to see their daddy “playing” and excercising his creativity. I’ll admit, it was a surprise for me to see him in this manner as well because he rarely smiles in my presence and since I met him back when he was first starting law school, he was only focused on his career. This Saturday he was all smiles and giggles. I was like, “Oh yeah…I remember when he used to be like that way back when….”
I met a few of his old friends who also used to act with him when he was younger. They expressed their bewilderment over his current career as an attorney. I shrugged. I had only heard about his creative side, he never really showed it to me. I think for him it was a choice of, “What career is going to allow me to be financially stable?” Acting or Law? He chose Law.
It seems to have worked out for him too. Now he gets to excercise his creative skills on the side and still take care of his family. I think that was a smart move and I’m grateful he did that. I wish that I could find something else to do…
I also forced myself to attend a party this weekend. It was a birthday dinner for one of my editors. I like his style well enough, but I was really nervous about going since I knew I wouldn’t know anyone there and the crowd would be considerably older than I am.
But I went…and I walked up to everyone I saw and introduced myself. I chatted easily in my journalistic fashion. I am great at keeping a conversation going by asking insightful questions it’s just…I feel all antsy and nervous when I’m about to enter a social situation and during lulls in the conversation. Most people think I’m arrogant because I don’t initiate conversation and jump all up in people’s faces..but that just ain’t me.
I remember in college this one girl said to me, “When you first came into [insert name of program] i thought you were selfish. You just sat over there in the corner and was quiet the whole time. You never spoke to anybody..and look at you now!”
She was right. I don’t TRY to make friends but if someone comes up to me, I’ll welcome them and show them love. I take my time with friendships. You can’t be friends with everyone, but you can find something about anyone that you can connect with. I just choose my connections carefully.
Immediately, and I do mean immediately after I finished my dinner, I said goodbye and bolted out the door. I think I sat in the car for like…5 minutes, just relaxing my nerves before driving to my aunt’s house for her birthday party. It was fun. My family loves to drink and the drinks were flowing nicely. I only had one because my Mama was there and I knew I would have to drive her home. Things weren’t really the same though. There used to be so much more laughter when more of my aunts and uncles were alive…
On Sunday I learned about an art fair that would take place at a gallery downtown, so I picked up my boys and one of their female cousins to hang out. We took the metrorail, and they loved riding it, enjoying the view of the rooftops all over Miami. We had lunch at Wendy’s and then I took out my directions to try to teach them how to read the street signs and find the correct address.
“So if the address says, 3rd street and we’re on 1st street and the numbers go UP that way, and DOWN that way, then which way do we go?”
They got it finally and we found the gallery which was in an old building a couple of blocks from the metrorail. When we got there, the fair was almost over but we were just in time to join the belly dancing lessons.
You should have seen my boys up there trying to bellydance! They had a blast! I didn’t really dance, I just stood to the side and watched them wiggle around the stage. My Sugarbear (7) is really good at copying dance moves. He’s not shy either. But my Boo Boo (5) is willing to try except, when he sees his brother doing it better than he is, he becomes frustrated and gives up.
In my human growth & development class I learned that at this stage in his development, he’s learning to deal with failure so I just reinforce the affirmations that I know and the ones their Daddy teaches them like, “Don’t cry, TRY.”
He’ll get over it. His brother used to be the same way, balling up papers when he colored outside of the line and having a fit when he didn’t remember his schoolwork. That used to aggravate ME so much that I used to cry too. All I remember telling him is, “It’s okay to make a mistake as long as you keep trying, you’ll figure it out.”
After the art fair we rode the metrorail back up north and went to my cousin’s house so that they could all play. A few other cousins showed up too and the entire clan went out into the backyard to toss the football around until it got too cold for them to be outside.
After dinner, my Boo Boo comes up to me and says, “Come.”
I follow him into the bathroom and he sits on the toilet and throws up all over the floor. I kneel next to him and rub his back, remembering the old days when it used to be me and him up on the late night when he wasn’t feeling well. He’s much too heavy for me to pick him up now, but back then we would rock back and forth together, waiting for whatever was ailing him to subside.
I love my JuJuBees.
While it’s difficult to admit, I’m going to go ahead and do it. My boys are thriving since they’ve been with their father. He brings to their lives a sense of order that I never could, hell, I don’t even have that much order now. They are adamant about doing chores and finishing schoolwork and they take pride in learning. I credit him for that. Or maybe it’s just their ages, I don’t know.
All I know is..I promised them that we would be back together again and I don’t want to break that promise. But when I look at what’s best for the boys, it doesn’t seem like what’s best for them is to be with me full-time. As much as I want them to be with me, I’m not in a place where I can handle that.
I find myself praying that God would make me more normal and let me work in an office, wear the gray suit and clock out at 5pm everyday. Being able to take care of my boys would make me happy. That is what I want.
I’m willing to give up on this creative thing, this creative dream, to become…a full-time mom again.
But as always…I’m waiting for the signal; a sign from God that says, “This is what I want you to do.”
Besides writing, I’m getting no call backs for gigs, um..I mean jobs. If someone else had come to me with the same scenario I would have said, “Relax and allow. You can’t do much else. Relax and allow the path to unfold.”
And so…I must..even when I can’t tell where the path is leading. I must trust that everything will be the best for us all.