Month: January 2008

My life is a miracle.

And this past weekend was evidence of that.

I spent time with my boys this weekend at their Saturday acting practice. Their Dad is a director of an acting group that he belonged to when he was a kid and now he is taking his boys with him to participate. I think it’s a great thing, I can only imagine what it is doing for their confidence, plus they are always so delighted to see their daddy “playing” and excercising his creativity. I’ll admit, it was a surprise for me to see him in this manner as well because he rarely smiles in my presence and since I met him back when he was first starting law school, he was only focused on his career. This Saturday he was all smiles and giggles. I was like, “Oh yeah…I remember when he used to be like that way back when….”

I met a few of his old friends who also used to act with him when he was younger. They expressed their bewilderment over his current career as an attorney. I shrugged. I had only heard about his creative side, he never really showed it to me. I think for him it was a choice of, “What career is going to allow me to be financially stable?” Acting or Law? He chose Law.

It seems to have worked out for him too. Now he gets to excercise his creative skills on the side and still take care of his family. I think that was a smart move and I’m grateful he did that. I wish that I could find something else to do…

I also forced myself to attend a party this weekend. It was a birthday dinner for one of my editors. I like his style well enough, but I was really nervous about going since I knew I wouldn’t know anyone there and the crowd would be considerably older than I am.

But I went…and I walked up to everyone I saw and introduced myself. I chatted easily in my journalistic fashion. I am great at keeping a conversation going by asking insightful questions it’s just…I feel all antsy and nervous when I’m about to enter a social situation and during lulls in the conversation. Most people think I’m arrogant because I don’t initiate conversation and jump all up in people’s faces..but that just ain’t me.

I remember in college this one girl said to me, “When you first came into [insert name of program] i thought you were selfish. You just sat over there in the corner and was quiet the whole time. You never spoke to anybody..and look at you now!”

She was right. I don’t TRY to make friends but if someone comes up to me, I’ll welcome them and show them love. I take my time with friendships. You can’t be friends with everyone, but you can find something about anyone that you can connect with. I just choose my connections carefully.

Immediately, and I do mean immediately after I finished my dinner, I said goodbye and bolted out the door. I think I sat in the car for like…5 minutes, just relaxing my nerves before driving to my aunt’s house for her birthday party. It was fun. My family loves to drink and the drinks were flowing nicely. I only had one because my Mama was there and I knew I would have to drive her home. Things weren’t really the same though. There used to be so much more laughter when more of my aunts and uncles were alive…

On Sunday I learned about an art fair that would take place at a gallery downtown, so I picked up my boys and one of their female cousins to hang out. We took the metrorail, and they loved riding it, enjoying the view of the rooftops all over Miami. We had lunch at Wendy’s and then I took out my directions to try to teach them how to read the street signs and find the correct address.

“So if the address says, 3rd street and we’re on 1st street and the numbers go UP that way, and DOWN that way, then which way do we go?”

They got it finally and we found the gallery which was in an old building a couple of blocks from the metrorail. When we got there, the fair was almost over but we were just in time to join the belly dancing lessons.

You should have seen my boys up there trying to bellydance! They had a blast! I didn’t really dance, I just stood to the side and watched them wiggle around the stage. My Sugarbear (7) is really good at copying dance moves. He’s not shy either. But my Boo Boo (5) is willing to try except, when he sees his brother doing it better than he is, he becomes frustrated and gives up.

In my human growth & development class I learned that at this stage in his development, he’s learning to deal with failure so I just reinforce the affirmations that I know and the ones their Daddy teaches them like, “Don’t cry, TRY.”

He’ll get over it. His brother used to be the same way, balling up papers when he colored outside of the line and having a fit when he didn’t remember his schoolwork. That used to aggravate ME so much that I used to cry too. All I remember telling him is, “It’s okay to make a mistake as long as you keep trying, you’ll figure it out.”

After the art fair we rode the metrorail back up north and went to my cousin’s house so that they could all play. A few other cousins showed up too and the entire clan went out into the backyard to toss the football around until it got too cold for them to be outside.

After dinner, my Boo Boo comes up to me and says, “Come.”

I follow him into the bathroom and he sits on the toilet and throws up all over the floor. I kneel next to him and rub his back, remembering the old days when it used to be me and him up on the late night when he wasn’t feeling well. He’s much too heavy for me to pick him up now, but back then we would rock back and forth together, waiting for whatever was ailing him to subside.

I love my JuJuBees.

While it’s difficult to admit, I’m going to go ahead and do it. My boys are thriving since they’ve been with their father. He brings to their lives a sense of order that I never could, hell, I don’t even have that much order now. They are adamant about doing chores and finishing schoolwork and they take pride in learning. I credit him for that. Or maybe it’s just their ages, I don’t know.

All I know is..I promised them that we would be back together again and I don’t want to break that promise. But when I look at what’s best for the boys, it doesn’t seem like what’s best for them is to be with me full-time. As much as I want them to be with me, I’m not in a place where I can handle that.

I find myself praying that God would make me more normal and let me work in an office, wear the gray suit and clock out at 5pm everyday. Being able to take care of my boys would make me happy. That is what I want.

I’m willing to give up on this creative thing, this creative dream, to become…a full-time mom again.

But as always…I’m waiting for the signal; a sign from God that says, “This is what I want you to do.”

Besides writing, I’m getting no call backs for gigs, um..I mean jobs. If someone else had come to me with the same scenario I would have said, “Relax and allow. You can’t do much else. Relax and allow the path to unfold.”

And so…I must..even when I can’t tell where the path is leading. I must trust that everything will be the best for us all.

Are you between the ages of 27 and 30?

Are you suddenly feeling overwhelming pressure from the changes that have occurred? Are you trying to make sense of it all?

Last Sunday while I was at the Art Fair, I ran into an artist and I asked her, “How are you able to support yourself while you’re in this artistic career?”

She pulled me to the side and then said, “Look, it’s not easy, but it’s about determination. I have an apartment in New York and I have two people living there. I also have an apartment down here in South Florida and I have a roommate. I teach art classes and I do spiritual readings on the side. My biggest project is my book, which is in its final stages of editing before being published. I put my heart into that book and I believe it’s going to be a success. But I have to tell you that I’m 63 years old and for most of the first half of my life I was a single Mom and I had to get a day job to take care of my daughter and myself. I hated every minute of it and I’m glad it’s over and now I can focus on using my gift.”

She stopped and looked at me.”You’re a writer,” she said. “Am I correct?”

“Yes, I am.”

“That’s what you are. That’s what you are supposed to be doing. But don’t stress yourself about it. Do a little at a time and you’ll get where you want to be. How old are you?” she asked.

“I’m 28.”

“Ahhh…You are approaching your Saturn Return. It’s a time of new beginnings and all of the old things you were trying to hang onto are shaken away like dead leaves from a tree.”

When I got home I did a quick search for Saturn Return and this is what I found:

Many of us approach our thirtieth birthdays with anxiety, even dread. We start looking for gray hairs and paying attention to ads for wrinkle creams. We question whether we are climbing the career ladder quickly enough. We hear the biological clock ticking loudly and worry that soon we will be too old to bear children.Astrologers call the period between ages twenty-eight and thirty “Saturn Return.” That’s because it’s the first time the planet Saturn completes its cycle through your birth chart and returns to the spot it occupied when you were born.

Internationally respected astrologer Rob Hand calls Saturn Return “one of the most important times in your life. . . a time of endings and new beginnings.”For most of us, ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried is unsettling, even painful. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world’s stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on yourself at your most fundamental level. The Saturn Return is every individual’s search for the Holy Grail.

Coming of Age
The first Saturn Return marks the end of youth and the beginning of the productive adult years. It is now that you truly become an adult–not at eighteen or twenty-one. You realize your need to define yourself as an individual within society and to demonstrate what you’ve learned.

Newswoman Jane Pauley described turning thirty as having grown into womanhood. German film director Werner Herzog compared this period in his life with a maiden’s loss of virginity, a line drawn across his path marking the end of his youth.

This transition into adulthood is often accompanied by a sense of urgency, a feeling that you must try to accomplish everything you’ve ever wanted or planned to do now. Goals start to come sharply into focus. If you have not settled into a definite career, or have been pursuing one that is inappropriate for you, you’ll experience a strong push to establish yourself in a more fulfilling occupation. Sometimes this means a complete change.

During his first Saturn Return Vincent Van Gogh decided to be a painter rather than a minister. More frequently it means a new direction or specialization within your chosen field. Read more…

Although I am not well versed in astrology, I can understand where this theory comes from. Nearly everyone I know is trying to figure out what their next move should be and setting loftier goals for themselves. It’s as though we are all thinking, “I HAVE to have something to show for all these years of education, work, involvement in this relationship, etc. What have I done with my life?”

Since I turned 27, everything in my life has been in a tailspin. I feel like a naked tree in the cold winter wind, wondering when or IF I’ll bear fruit again.

At 28, I’m beginning a brand new career path, while feverishly trying to hold onto the old one because it brings me joy. Nothing in my life is the same as it was when I was 26. Even the friends in my tight circle have changed. I am no longer a religious person. I have taken risks that many would deem foolish all for the sake of growth. Life feels like one long train ride into oblivion.

If this theory is true then it brings a sense of comfort knowing that by the time I reach 30, I’ll have gained a tremendous amount of wisdom and experiences that will serve me for the rest of my life. Maybe I’ll even have a firm direction.I’m open to that. I’m open to stability and honing my craft.

Here’s to new beginnings and honest reflection…

My life is a miracle.

Man I love my grad program. It takes some effort to drive over there but once I’m there I don’t want to leave.

Let me tell you, grad school is so much better than undergrad. First of all, you don’t have to take those silly gen ed classes like Economics and College Alegebra. And..the best thing…classes are more discussion based, or maybe it’s just my focus that is that way.

Even more assuring is the fact that half of the class are parents. Tonight a woman brought her son to class because she couldn’t find a sitter. I remember in undergrad, I was the only one who had a child and had to do that. To see these people with full-time jobs and families and taking care of their children while going to grad school really comforts me. If they can do it, I can!

I went to therapy again today and afterwards I decided that I wasn’t so sure she’s the right therapist for me. She seems to be directing me toward a vision she has constructed for my life. She keeps trying to explain to me that I should consider another major, specifically social work. She says it would be a good match for my personality and she downplays the role of the therapist a lot.

I explained to her how this degree and information will help me with my life coaching and my writing but she still suggested that I try something else. I’m like, “I’m happy with what I have and I know what I want.”

She also suggested that I focus on school, telling me that it won’t be the best idea for me to try to become a full-time Mom while in grad school because it would be too much.

But when I think of all the others in my classes that are doing it, I don’t see why I can’t.

But the therapy is a good idea, it’s a chance to have someone help me focus on developing better habits in my thinking. She pointed out a few observations about my child hood that has affected me into adulthood. She says that my overachievement may stem from the fact that I never felt like I was valued as a child and I use an intense work ethic to validate my worth.

She says its not healthy to work the way and I do and it’s especially frightening to other team members who see me putting in so much effort and become threatened. That reminds me of what my old Director at the website used to say. Although she didn’t use the right words, she was trying to push me toward having a more balanced lifestyle.

I can see that now. I didn’t see it then. To me she was trying to stop me from doing what I love to do– WORK HARD. But now I see that coming in at 5am and staying until close to 10pm isn’t really a good thing.

I just wanted to do my best and produce the best work but I was doing way too much. In that position at the website, I did my job, but it was too easy for me so I created a whole other position for myself and pushed that to the limit.

I recognized a need and tried to fill it according to my capabilities and it WAS appreciated, it’s just I shouldn’t have to do that all the time. I just hate sitting around with nothing to do. My ethics won’t let me be at work and surfing the internet or chatting with my friends. I feel bad about that and when I have my own business, I wouldn’t want my employees goofing off like that so I’m trying to plant good seeds now because I believe you get what you give… but I was overdoing it.

The Prez used to tell me all the time, “Tee…PACE YOURSELF.” I never realized what that meant.

I remember most of my employers asking me, “Why are you doing so much?” I never understood their concern. I wasn’t gunning for a promotion or a raise, I just wanted to give my all. Why would they want to stop me from doing extra work when I LOVED what I did?

Duh…so I won’t burn out and end up…quitting because I was overwhelmed.
Doh!

It’s okay though. You live and you learn.

My life is a miracle.

And Tamara is tripping me out too.

Her birthday is about 3 months away and she’s all frantic about turning 29.

“I feel like my life is half over,” she said. I laughed so hard but I stopped when I realized that she was serious.

“What are you afraid of?” I asked her.

“I think I’m afraid of death.”

“Ohhh. That’s because you haven’t taken the time to sit and think about what happens when you die. It’s probably the fear of the unknown. All you have to do is choose a belief that makes you feel better about death. Let me tell you this story I read a while back….”

Once there was a doctor who was treating a patient in the examining room. The patient told the doctor that he was afraid of dieing and the doctor asked him, “Do you hear that noise?”

“What noise?” the patient asked, and leaned forward.

“That scratching noise.”

The doctor went over to a door and opened it. A big dog burst into the room and ran all around.

“That’s my dog,” the doctor said. “He has never been in this room before but when I opened the door he ran right in. He wasn’t afraid to come in because he knew his master was in here. The same with you. When you die, you go to be with your Master. How can you be worried about that?”

“That’s a good point,” Tamara said.

“And here’s your word for today,” I told her. “RESIST NOTHING. That means that whatever your biggest fear is, come to a point where if it happens, you know that you will still be okay. RESIST NOTHING. Embrace every thing. It’s ALL for your good anyway. All of it!”

I am so excited about turning 30! That age is so sexy to me. We won’t be in our 20’s anymore and everything will not be so stressful. We’ll have figured out more about ourselves and what we really want from life. I am so tired of my 20’s and all this wishy washyness, not knowing where I’m going or what I’m going to do. I think my 30’s will be so much better. Besides, we have 2 years before that happens, why worry now?

Man… Everyone I know who is over 30 is so…chill with theirs. They went through so many life changing events in their 20’s that the regular ups and downs of life don’t phase them as much anymore.

Man…my life has changed so much over the last 2 years..It can only get BETTER!

~dancing~

Shake that thang! Get it!

Work it trick!