Month: August 2007

I hate asking men for advice.

It’s always a trade off with them. They give you some advice then they tell you how beautiful you are and want to start flirting. You try to cut them off but then they bring it up again…

Or you ask them for wisdom and they take the time to tell you why they can’t give it to you and how you need to figure it out for yourself.

I rarely ask ANYONE for advice but when I ask for it from a man that means I am putting my trust in him to give without thinking about what he gains from the situation.

But no man has… Every man wants something in return. If it doesn’t benefit HIM then he’s not sharing.

All I have to say is…if you horde your blessings, whether it be wisdom, wealth or talent, you will keep what you have, BUT YOU WILL NOT SEE INCREASE.

I want to relax.

I want to slow down and enjoy my life.

I’m running and running because I feel like I have to make all my dreams come true NOW because I never want my sons and I to worry about money again. The idea of not being financially stable drives me to push for my dreams but I’m realizing that the stability might come if I slow down now and focus on one thing instead of a hundred different things. But I don’t know which thing.

I wish I had a partner to make decisions with.

I signed up for an online dating service last night, just to see what it was all about. It’s dumb. People judging me based on my picture and the few words I have chosen to share. You can’t chat with anyone beyond the scripted messages unless you pay. I had fun filling out the questionaire though. One of the essay questions was: Describe your perfect day.

I wrote:

My perfect day would begin with me waking up and getting my sons ready for school. I’d drop them off and come back home to write stories and manage my website. When it’s time to pick them up for school, I’d glide over and get them. We’ll do homework and have dinner and hang out and then I’ll put them to bed. Afterwards I’ll write some more and then chat with my friends.

I’d like that kind of life.

I’d give up most of my dreams of grandeur for that life. Maybe I don’t have to inspire millions. Maybe I don’t have to be a big-time personality. I dream of those things because I feel like that is what I should do with my gifts, give them to everyone. I know the masses would be uplifted by my words and I would never have to worry about finances because my gift would reel in the supply.

But…I’d like to slow down and stop thinking so hard about my dreams.

I’d like to just let them unfold as if they were an unexpected surprise. And if they don’t, I wouldn’t care because I’d know that me and my boys will be alright. It’s that insecurity that drives me. If I don’t PUSH we will never be together again. If I don’t make it happen RIGHT NOW, I’ll always be wondering if I’ll ever get to take care of them again.

I’m worn out from the struggle.

I want to sit down. I want to rest. I want to stop fighting.

I’d really like to relax, God. Please help me to stop running and to keep my promise to my boys that we will be back together again.

I once dreamt of rings
You know diamonds and things
But I don’t want that anymore

I needed the fame
And the wealth that it brings
But I don’t need that anymore

I longed for a man
That nerdy CEO
But I don’t want that anymore

A multi-media empire
My own TV show
But that isn’t pleasing anymore

I’d look in the mirror
And see a Cover Girl
But that’s not important anymore

I ran near and far
Trying to capture my dream
I’m not looking anymore

I shut off my hopes
I’ve closed off my will
I’m different than before

I’ll follow you, Lord
Wherever you lead
Only you can open a door

Show me your plan
Show me your purpose
Yes, I am glad that I have grown

It took being in the wilderness
For me to get here
But it’s the most fruitful time I’ve ever known

I began this journey
With one simple hope
Financial stability for me and my sons

What I’ve gained in hindsight
Is so much more valuable
Complete trust in You and your Son

–Ms. Tee