Month: April 2006

Still Sprung

I think it’s a little more to it than simply being sprung.

I’ve been hiding this from everyone except a few of my closest friends who are so nervous yet excited for me.

Isn’t it so hard to admit that you care about someone? It’s like admitting it will instantly jinx it and it will explode in your face. Well..here I go.

Remember Dude? Yeah, the one who blew my sexual losing streak. But he’s also the same one I mentioned that reminded me of my “type”. I know that when you do the same thing over and over again you will get the same result so I was hoping that I wouldn’t like him so much.

But I do.

He’s funny. He called me one night asking me what I wanted him to bring to eat and I told him that I’d cook. When he got here the food was almost ready and I fixed our plates and we sat down. I took one bite of the steak and cringed.

He took his first bite and smiled weakly at me. Then he tried the rice I made. I saw him pause. My face turned red.

“Uh, Tee, let’s go get something to eat.”

“Okay…” I muttered as I removed the plates and slipped on my shoes.

“It’s okay,” he told me as he gave me a hug and we walked to his car. “I’ll cook for you next time.”

He’s very nice to me. Except for the fact that after experiencing THE BIG ONE, and a near repeat performance the next night, I haven’t heard from him since. ~sigh~ I feel like he’s doing this to me on purpose… ~pulling imaginary hair~

So Sprung I am. I’ve been acting really stupid. Like, I call him everyday even though he hasn’t returned any of my calls since Saturday. Sometimes at night I have to take two showers to calm down because I want him so badly. I want more!

Truth be told, I may be a nympho. Naw, I’m playing. It’s just like Ruby explained it one time. She said that I close myself off to men so much that when I get one that excites me sexually I am ravenous and I won’t stop. She said I needed to find a balance between completely cutting men off and then devouring them sexually when the opportunity presents itself.

Hmm.. I agree I think. It’s just. I was so used to using guys for a quick relief. My booty calls are not emotional at all. We don’t kiss. We don’t cuddle. Eww…we don’t say nice things to each other. We only dial each other’s number for ONE REASON. No Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah. Although he’s very handsome I just wasn’t feeling him like that.

But Dude..

Damn…

He’s very nice to me. And I said to myself that the next man to be genuinely nice to me would get some very, VERY good treatment from me.

So much to the surprise of my friends I have decided to trust him until he proves to be disrespectful or mean. I won’t sit around waiting for him to mess up, I’m going to enjoy the happiness while it lasts and be extra sweet and extra loving.

According to my friends, well those who I have decided to tell about him, I’m doing everything the wrong way.

I think my mentality is the opposite of what most men want and what most women think men want.

My girls tell me, “Don’t answer all of his calls!” Why not? I like talking to him.

“Don’t give him none for 3 months!” Whatever! And risk falling in love with some dude who can’t satisfy me sexually? Yeah right. If he can’t handle me in the bedroom then there’s nothing he can do to get me to like him romantically. I need to know up front and if he doesn’t perform well we MAY??? still be friends but he will never get a second chance to make it right. And I’m so serious.

One day he asked me, “You like me a lot, don’t you?” I was a bit surprised that he asked that but I answered honestly, “Yes, I do.”

He smiled and hugged me close.

Sometimes I think this is too good to be true. Dude is sooo manly. None of that bitch-like stuff that some men get into like arguing with women and text messaging and getting all emotional. But he’s a Pisces so he IS emotional, he just knows how to hide it well.

He does things just like I like them. He didn’t at first though and my first instinct was to cut him off. In fact I almost did but my lil sister told me, “Tee, sometimes you have to teach men how to treat you. If he likes you he’ll listen. If he doesn’t then you can cut him off, but give him a chance to improve.”

So I decided to see if she was right. I figured that when men don’t show courtesy and simple kindness it’s because they don’t want to. Not true. After I had a talk with him about a couple of things I felt he should be doing he straightened up. He actually listened to me. Now I don’t have any concerns with him at all because he is mindful of how I want to be treated.

The things I mentioned were small but important things to me.Because they were important to me, they were important to him. I like that.

And I really like the fact that when he comes to see me, he grabs my booty when he kisses me hello. LOL! I LOVE THAT SHIT! ~tingling~

And believe it or not, we actually make out. We KISS! I hate kissing. It’s so boring to me. But I like kissing him. I like looking at him. I really like the fact that unlike most men I am interested in, he doesn’t seem to be phased by me.

For real, If I flirt with a man and he bites, the FIRST question out of his mouth is, “Why do you like me?” Ughh.. Why not? It’s like they don’t believe that someone (or is it just ME) would like someone like them. I hate that. Know your value! And respect that I’m not slumming or out to get anything from you.

Ahhh… I’m glad I got that out. I hate keeping secrets.

I have a guy friend who hasn’t called me in three days but who I miss nonetheless.

Good or bad, however this ends up I’ll be okay because I know that I will not treat him badly or be mean to him or hurt him in any way. I only want to be a blessing in his life. If he decides he’s not ready for all that then at least I know I didn’t allow my bitterness toward men to ruin it.

As long as I’m walking tall, I can walk away knowing that maybe he just wasn’t ready for a real woman who is about honesty, self improvement and satisfying her man instead of creating crazy drama.

There are men like that out there and it’s okay to be that way. Everyone grows in different stages. Hopefully, I’ll meet someone who is exactly where I am.

Let God Speak

I just had a disturbing conversation with someone who loves me very much but hasn’t quite grasped how to show it yet.

I remember when I used to be where she is. I was a brand new Christian and all I wanted was to share my love for Christ with everyone. Since I’m a bit aggressive I would consistently recite scriptures and introduce my beliefs any chance I got. I thought I was ministering to them. I thought I was introducing them to the light but my method was all wrong.

My friend told me that God told her that I need to go to church.

Ok. I hear you.

But this isn’t the first time she has said that. So I told her that the best way to get me (or anybody) to go to church is to tell them you’ll pick them up and take them with you. Casually invite them, don’t press. I don’t mind going I just have visited and visited and I haven’t found my place yet. But by constantly telling me I NEED to go it makes me not want to because I don’t want to do it to please you.

What made this conversation so annoying is that she was SCREAMING at me that God told her to tell me and she said that even if I never speak to her again she was going to be obedient and, “YOU NEED TO GET YO BEHIND IN CHURCH!”

She even hung up on me. LOL!

I can’t even be mad at her because I know her heart is to share the joy of the Lord and to see me walk in complete happiness. But trust God with me. I’m His daughter too. He loves me just as much as He loves you. He will guide me. He will lead me where I need to be. Pray for me if you feel so strongly.

I remember going to my friend Vicky’s house to hang out the night before she moved away to Atlanta. She had invited other friends too and one of our old classmates from UF showed up. So we are all hanging in the kitchen eating and talking and every other second he brings up Jesus. Watching that interaction was so surreal to me. I could FEEL my eyes being opened to how my so called ministering had been received in the past. Whenever he would speak it would cause all of us to pause and a slimy tense cloud would fill the atmosphere. It wasn’t the right time for that.

Before he left he invited Vicky to pray and I could tell she was so uncomfortable as he held her hands and prayed for her.

I know you want others to share in your joy but do it in LOVE. New Christians go through this period where they feel like they see the light and everyone else should too. Remember that your life changing moment came in it’s own time and no one rushed or condemned you.

I see it all the time and it’s so sad to me. A person who just started living for the Lord will run out and tell you all about how you are wrong and how you aren’t going to be blessed unless you shape up. They will even go so far as to criticize other Christians and the way they serve Christ when just a few months ago they weren’t living what they are preaching. A quoted scripture means nothing to a person who doesn’t believe in its power. You’re wasting your breath when you could be a living example of God’s acceptance and love.

Darling…I know God commissioned you to go out and spread the gospel but I do not ever remember Jesus criticizing someone for not doing things the way He did them. He didn’t even require the recipients of his miracles to believe in Him. He blessed them according to His love for them. He never tried to guilt trip anyone into serving Him.

There’s nothing I can do to stop this necessary journey to spiritual maturity because I went through it and I’m sure every new convert will feel the same excitement about a new relationship with God. It’s a good thing. Just, don’t be upset when people start to back away a bit. It’s a bit unnerving to watch someone flip like that and then get upset because they expect you to do the same.

Now I’m in a place where I’m cool with my relationship with God. I seek Him daily. I pray non stop and I ask for His guidance in all matters. What I try to do each and every day is to SHOW love to others whenever I can. It hurts me when someone misinterprets my intentions and takes it for bad but I can’t do much about that. I won’t stop showing love just because someone else doesn’t know how to accept it.

You live. You learn. You grow.

But in the end, your relationship with God is the most important thing. You have to be true to yourself and not be afraid to worship in your own special way. Worship with your LIFE! Don’t let your outpouring of religious practices and servitude be your only act of worship.

I worship God by being honest about who I am and where I am in Christ. I’m not the perfect Christian and I don’t know anyone is. As much as others would like for me to go to church and be in my Word to meet THEIR standards they have to approach me the right way.

If you feel like I’m not in my Word enough, don’t condemn me. Ask to come over to study with me. Invite me out to meet your friends who love Christ. Show me what the fun in Christ really is.

Don’t let it be about words and making sure you clock enough hours in church. Let your light shine by itself. Express the excitement that God has brought into your life and share your blessings. Pretty soon others will want a piece of that too and will come running to you for guidance. Then…THEN you can be a mouthpiece for God because their eyes have been opened and they have a willing ear to hear.

Live a life of love and acceptance. Celebrate the efforts of your friends as they serve God, don’t condemn them. For people who aren’t familiar with Christ you are their only representation and no one wants to grow closer to someone who is constantly telling them they fall short.

Live your life. Live it in love. Speak it in love.

Let God speak through you.

Inspire Me

I don’t get to share with you all my side writing projects but I will give you a little taste of my favorite venture, writing daily inspirational words. This was also published on Bahiyah Woman Magazine.

Dose of Inspiration- I am the Master of My Emotions

I stepped outside myself today and took a good look at what I saw.

Damn, that’s a nice haircut.

Nice simple dress. My favorite. $10 at Wal Mart. Don’t tell nobody.

Then I noticed the smile on my face and realized that it was strained. I’m struggling to maintain myself because my emotions seem to be all over the place. What can I really do about it? I’m a Cancer and I’m a girl.

We’re emotional by nature, not cuz I hate ya.

But do I really have to be a slave to my emotions? Can I ever manage these moods that rise and fall like the tides?

Yes I can.

I can master my emotions by understanding that emotions are a part of nature. It’s okay to feel and to express the pain or joy of my heart, but I have to remember that every emotion I experience is a segway to the next emotional experience.

The ball keeps rolling. My emotions keep coming. No mood will last forever. No sadness will overtake my life. Each experience yields an excitement or sorrow that is unique to that moment and I will not allow myself to marinate in that emotion.

I can master my emotions.

I can recognize that my feelings are important and natural. I recognize that the moods expressed by others are also ever changing. Just because someone presents a bad attitude today, doesn’t mean that they will be like that forever. They are experiencing the same type of shifting emotions that I am privy to.

I will not treat others based on how they react to me.

I will not allow someone’s attitude about their temporary misfortune to thwart my efforts to please God by being a blessing to others.

I will master my emotions by understanding that this uneasiness in my heart is caused by fear of the unknown. I’m tense. I’m nervous. I’m afraid to open up. I’m impatient about my destiny. I have the desire to love again but I don’t want to risk the pain that love brings.

All of these feelings could lead to my being frustrated and difficult toward people when they don’t deserve it.

I will master my emotions as I remind myself that “this too shall pass”.

As surely as the sun sets with a tear in my eye, the rising sun will dry it away.

This moment is not the definitive moment in my life.

I am not a slave to my emotions.

I will accept all that is me and keep on rolling, just like the tide.

***********
Extra Inspirational Reading written by Ms. Tee!
Avoid Stress To Be Your Best.

Heads Up

Today I interviewed another artist. I was hired to do his bio by his manager. Yeah, I’m back at that again. It’s easy money even though I’m not too confident with that type of writing yet so my prices are very low. So far I’ve done 5 bios and only one of them is stellar to me.

Being attached to the entertainment industry in Miami means being invited to some parties for networking, blah blah… I usually don’t go but due to dire circumstances, I need all the work I can get so I have to dust off the old party dress and find a babysitter so I can mingle.

It was quite an interesting time with this particular artist. He used to have a hit song in 2001 and toured with Ludacris and performed with Trina. He said The Ying Yang Twins opened up for him at some point. Then, after the whirlwind of his celebrity died down and another hit replaced his at the top of the charts, he found himself homeless and living back with his parents as he joined the staff of a lawn care service to make ends meet.

Sitting there listening to him tell his story was so wild to me. He went from making $20,000 a month to taking the bus to work. But he’s back at it again. Five years later he has a new single that is being played on local radio stations and he has a whole new name and image. We listened to his CD and I couldn’t help but be blown away. His approach is very..uh..unique. That’s all I’ll say. I’d really like to see how or if the public will buy what he is offering.

I’m just glad he is taking a chance. Sometimes it seems that all of our hopes and dreams crash and burn right in front of us. We stand there with our mouths open, not knowing what to do next. If it didn’t work this time and we gave it our all, then why should we waste our time again?

Man, I’m right in the middle of a storm. Everything that was stable to me has been taken away all within one week. It seems like everything and everyone has deserted me just when I needed it most.

Last night I started to get a little sad while sitting in my living room by myself. I called my girl Tonya and asked her to stay on the phone with me and keep me company even though I knew it was late. Ofcourse she was there for me. Funny how I’m the woman with the encouraging word and last night I had to encourage myself.

I thought to myself, “If any of your friends called you and told you that they had lost all that you have, what would you say to them?”

Then I got really excited because I know EXACTLY what I’d say.

I’d say, “Oooooooh SHIT! Do you understand what this means? You lost all of that without warning or reason and you can’t understand why. Well that’s all I needed to hear! This desperate situation looks like material for a miracle girl!”

“Can you imagine that God is about to replace all that you have lost with MORE! Remember how you moved down here to Miami and you couldn’t afford your own place or storage and you had to throw years of memories and trinkets in the city dump? Remember how you cried? And look at you now! All that has been replaced and MORE. So don’t sit up there and act like you don’t know how God is going to handle this. You KNOW He’s got this and everything you lost wasn’t yours to begin with so it HAD TO GO! Get ready girl! There’s about to be a multitude of blessings in your life!”

Yeah. That’s what I would have said.

So that’s what I have to believe.

The nice guys do NOT always finish last. Evil is not the ruler of the Earth. No matter what I will not allow a few slimy people to make me feel as though I can never be nice to others again. I won’t allow a misunderstanding to push me to never trust again. I am so open with people. I share so much of myself and my heart and I know this makes me vulnerable but it is what it is.

I am who I am.

I am so grateful for my wonderful friends and my little sister who gets on my nerves sometimes. As much as I hope to inspire and motivate others, they keep me moving. They keep me focused. I love them so much. No one could ever replace what they’ve contributed to my life and I will spend the rest of my life thanking them for loving me so much. I promise.