Month: March 2006

HAPPY AGAIN

Ahhh…

I had a great day at work today!

LOL!

Bi-polar?

NOT! I don’t know why ya’ll be getting all emotional with me when I go off on my tirades. Ya’ll know how I am. I’m sensitive. I’m a lit bit ‘touched’ and I freak out at a moment’s notice. And then a few hours later, I’m okay.

Get used to it.

So today was a lovely day. I did some blah work that really felt like secretary work and you all know I LOVE being a secretary.

But you know what I love even more? Setting the vision.

I love, love, LOVE to come up with an idea and sit down and develop a strategy for its success. I will do the research to see who/what the competition is and then come up with a plan to match their success and THEN beat them. I can put together all the key components, decide what people I’ll need to fit the various needs and develop the process that will make it run smoothly.

I do this for FUN!

I know, I’m such a geek.

Sometimes I used to be at work and someone would say, “I was wondering about this project. Let’s start thinking about how we will put it together.” And I’ll say excitedly, “I already did it yesterday! I had some free time and I was kinda excited about it! Let me make you a copy of the outline of my vision for success.”

GEEK!

Well, it floats my boat so don’t hate.

I just HATE when people do things inefficiently. ~rolls eyes~ I’m not one to stretch out my duties so people will think I’m busy. I just do that thing right quick and then spend the rest of my time writing my visions and goals out in detail!

he he….

I love being ME!

Inspiration for Your Day– By Ms. Tee

They’re Called Dream Killers

When I wake up in a fantastic mood like I did today I can pretty much expect that someone, somehow will try to steal my joy. My friend Kim calls them Dream Killers. They come in many different forms.

They could be the chick at work who for some reason has decided that she doesn’t like you. You haven’t dated her boyfriend, talked about her Mama or been rude to her at all, but still, she can’t even look you in the face when she talks to you. When you’re in a team meeting and its your turn to speak, you see her face scrunch up and she turns away. She tries to get as many people as she can to join her in her disgust for you. She’s on a mission to come up with reasons why she should dislike you.

I used to be very hurt because I expected to receive the same energy and respect that I put out, but then I realized something very important: she feels threatened.

In some way she has allowed you to make her feel as though she is not up to par. That’s why she criticizes all of your ideas and smirks when you are corrected by your boss. She yearns for the day when you fall on your butt because that is where she is and she wants you to join her in her misery. Don’t fall victim to her plot. Keep it happy! Keep it smiling! Keep it positive! And continue to be nice to her.

Have you ever heard the saying, “Hurting people hurt people?” It’s true. Anytime someone is rude to me, I automatically know it is because they are lacking in some area of their life. People project what they are being fed and if someone has a bad attitude it’s primarily because those close to them are not treating them well and in turn they have lost their love for themselves.

The Dream Killer can come in another form. More subtle but just as deadly. Ever reached a point of dissatisfaction in your life? A point where you KNOW you could have more but are trying to decide if you should do something about it? The Dream Killer will come along and listen to your dilemma then they will advise you that you should be content where you are. They will try to make you feel ungrateful for not being satisfied with your current position. “You’re surviving! You have food! You have a place to live! You should be happy with what you have!”

No, no, no honey…

YOU should happy with what YOU have. I’m not.

So many people are focused on surviving that they can’t even imagine the SURPLUS!

I’m not trying to live a macaroni and cheese life. I’m not just trying to SURVIVE!

I want more! In all areas of my life!

I want MORE from my career! I will not settle for a job that is not fulfilling.

I want MORE from my relationships! I will not settle for booty call status when I want the ring. I’m worth more than that.

I want MORE from my relationship with God! I love Him, but do I TRUST HIM with everything in me? Am I really modeling myself after the love He has shown me or are their alterior motives in my heart?

I want MORE!

I won’t settle for mediocre, half hearted friends who scheme, lie and steal.

I’m not interested in fellowship with a person who is waiting for someone to come and give them their next promotion.

Take a look at the people who are criticizing you. Where are they in their lives? What are they settling for? Before you take anything they say to heart ask yourself, “Are they someone I want to be like in the future?”

Most often they are not.

They’re hurting and they don’t believe in their dream. That is why they try to kill yours too.

But they can’t stop God’s plan for me.

I’m focused and all obstacles fall by the wayside.
I’m gonna get it! And I’m gonna do it RIGHT, with a sincere heart and a love for others that many do not even have for themselves.

Best of luck to you as you face the Dream Killers.

The only power they have, is the power you give them.

Another Pic
from my cousin’s friend

This time he made this up. My sons and I never took a pic like this.

Very creative!

Naked Blogging

I just came back from the store and I bought some black and milds.

When my boys are gone sometimes I find myself heading out to get them. Blacks, just like cigarettes and weed and other drugs are just time fillers.

Think about it? People who don’t have anything better to do with their time light up or smoke out. It becomes a habit because you are not focused on anything else. Idle hands….

So smoking is something to do. Something to look forward to. Something that you can control. Sometimes it gives you a little buzz but for the most part it’s causing no pleasure.

I used to smoke a lot more before I really became focused on my career. I drank a lot more too. Now I don’t because I don’t have time to veg out like that. A night of freedom is usually spent catching up with one of my MANY friends across the country, or setting plans for goals for myself.

But tonight. Tonight it’ll be me and a movie, some gin & juice and my yellow couch. I’m not doing anything tonight. Maybe chat a little if someone interesting calls.

I don’t go out partying often. You can probably tell that. I like being home. I like being alone. I’m so comfortable this way. I can take off my bra and my make up and not have to worry about my words. I can just be me. I like that so much. I can talk to God aloud. I can ask Him for understanding.

I often ask Him why He made me like this. So crazy and funky and weird. Geesh! I am definately the weirdest person I know. ~smile~

That’s okay though. Sylvia tells me that is what she loves about me.

Oh yeah, my girl Sylvia is doing well. She moved to Naples to live with her boyfriend and she is so in love. I don’t really “miss” her. I don’t have time to because I’m so busy. We still email and call each other with the exciting news. She’s a very good friend to me.

I lost track of Anna for a minute there. I called her up this morning to say Hi and she told me that she had been sick for a long time and was diagnosed with bronchitis that wouldn’t go away. She then said her doctor told her she had asthma. That really worried me. Anna NEVER stays sick. Her breathing hasn’t gotten better.

Asthma.

Damn. I have asthma too.

Man…

I better not light up those blacks.

I can’t get to where I’m going if I’m not alive.

I don’t want to risk not accomplishing my life goal.

Get Yo Mind Right

Go GATORS!!!

Lazy Saturday

Guess what I did this morning?

I wrote a children’s book.

I work with a team of amazing graphic designers and one of them suggested we collaborate on a children’s book. He said that if I wrote the story, he would illustrate it. I was sooo excited, except… I had never even considered it before. I told him I’d think about it and get back to him.

This morning I woke up and decided to give it a try. I grabbed one of my sons books and read it. Hmm… Short.. Light. Small words, easy to understand message. I sat down and wrote a little poem about my sons in less than an hour and I am so PROUD! YAY!

I think it’s going to be great! I can’t wait to see what he does with the illustrations.

I thought about going to the beach today because I took my sons two weeks ago and saw a woman taking a nap under the warm sun. I wanted to do that too! But then I remembered that this weekend is BET’s Spring Bling on Haulover Beach and I don’t really feel like fighting the crowds. I thought about going to the concert but ehh… Kanye is not gonna be there so I don’t have much motivation. Besides, it’s chilly out today. Definately not beach weather.

Tonight I’m meeting with my little sister who is now engaged to her boyfriend Daniel. Her wedding is in June and she’s all giddy with preperations for her wedding. I told her that I’d help her plan out the schedule of events so she’s on her way over to discuss her vision for the day. She’s already started marriage counseling and though she doesn’t have much money, she is trusting God to take care of everything just like He always does.

I spoke to my boy Leon today. He’s a trip times two! Whenever I talk to him I’m on this HIGH! He and his wife are so supportive of my dreams and goals. They believe in me and I’m grateful to have people like them in my life. He joked that he has a birthday coming up and he wanted to come to Miami and have the South Beach experience. I hope he comes, we’ll tear it up! He’s so much fun and REAL just like me. I think that’s why we vibe like we do.

I’m going to the movies tonight to see the new Spike Lee joint. I called everyone I know and invited them to join me but everyone is busy. ~sigh~ I guess I’ll be going by myself again. That’s okay. I’ll get as cute as I can and waltz up in there like it’s all good.

I sold another story to the Herald last week. Man, I must be getting good at this. The editor I work with is cool. We’ve never met in person but she’s easy to work with and gives me direction when I need it. I sent her my resume yesterday letting her know that I am interested in becoming a staff writer for the Herald. I know it’s hard to get in there because it’s really a BIG newspaper but I thought, hey, why not at least TRY?

I have reached out to other publications in my pursuit of more freelance work. Freelance writing has been the most rewarding career move I’ve ever made. My success is not linked to a time clock, it’s all based on my ability to generate great story ideas and follow through with great articles. I’m so motivated and I’ll share with you my most important goal this year.

By the end of this year I hope to NEVER have to punch a time clock again. I am going to leave the workforce.

If I don’t become a staff writer at the Herald, I am going to leave the work force and become a full time freelance writer. I have proposals for my book (surprise!) out for consideration and I’m working on my 2nd book now. My mind is constantly overflowing with ideas for books and articles. When I have an idea I go for it! I don’t wait around to convince myself that I can do it. I’ve realized that anything my mind can conceive is well within my capabilities. I don’t have to wait for permission to go after what I want.

God gave me this sharp mind and talent to be used. As I go forth in my hustle, I’m certain He is leading the way.

Do your thang Daddy!

Peace

I am transformed by the beauty of today.

The temperature is just right. The breeze feels nice. As it tickles my neck I feel shivers. I walk outside and I am embraced by clear blue skies. The palm trees wave hello to me. The cars zooming by mirror my racing heart as I give thanks to God for this season.

The peace of today is a replica of the peace in my soul. I am elated to see my sons growing into wonderful little boys who love each other and their mother. I am grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves and the excitement of opportunities to come.

I am blessed by each person I am fortunate enough to encounter. Each spirit leaves behind a gift for my heart. God is joining me to those individuals He has predestined to play a role in my success. And my success plays a role in their success. We need each other. We heal each other. I thank Him for showing people in their true light so that I can step away from those with ill intentions and cling to those of pure heart.

Thank you Lord, for this beautiful day. The peace it brings replenishes me. Now I can move forward and give more. I can be more of a blessing to others because I have rested and found peace.

Peace.

Rejection

Lately my thoughts have been quite predictable.

I’m either celebrating my impending success or grabbing hold of a new opportunity to bring success closer.

It’s like an animal that has overtaken me. The burning desire moves my mind and shakes my heart and everyday I wonder, “Is today the day?”

I must get on people’s nerves by now. I can’t have a decent conversation without bringing up goal setting and visions. I sometimes annoy myself. When can I rest and just…be?

But I can’t. I feel as though my success is only a breath away. I dream about it more than single women dream of their wedding day. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. Why do I believe such a weighted vision to be mine? Why am I praising God right now for things that don’t even seem to be happening anytime soon? Why do I wake up excited and happy as I remind myself and my sons of the goals I have set which will become a reality?

I keep hearing snippets from Kanye’s Late Registration during my thought process. “If I could just get one hit off Hova, we could get up off this cheap ass sofa!” That’s how I FEEL! If I could just get one damn book deal, I could take myself to lunch!

I was excited last week because my stalking paid off and I was given the email address of the editor of AOL Black Voices. I sent him a note introducing myself and he wrote back:

Ms. Tee: We have a roster of established writers from which we select, and as such we don’t regular entertain unknown talent. But if you want to, you can send me a resume and a couple of writing samples. Thanks.

So you know I jumped on it and sent them to him within HOURS of his request. I gave him two days before I called to follow up on my email and introduce myself by phone. He answered his phone! I almost dropped mine! He promised to look at my samples and get back with me the following week.

I was antsy all day today. My plan was to call him at 2pm and seal the deal. All weekend I had outlined the many feature stories I would write for BlackVoices. I came up with so many outstanding ideas on ways I could blow his mind and educate and empower the Black readership!

But after speaking to him, my heart had lost it’s excitement.

“We’re not looking to hire anyone right now.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No, there isn’t.”

“Thank you for your time.”

Rejected.

Oh well, I laughed to myself. I guess I got my Kanye testimony down…

“A&R looking like damn we messed up…”
He’s gonna regret not giving me a chance.

You know what? That’s okay.

It just wasn’t a part of the plan.

Love Feels Like

Sylvia emailed me today.

She was gushing about how much she loved her boyfriend Chris.

I replied with a request.

Tell me how it feels to be loved…Describe it.

She wrote back:

It’s hard to describe. It’s really a whole lot of little things that add up to me feeling the love. For instance, when I’m at work, I really want to go home to just hang out with him. Or when we’re lying in the bed, watching tv, sometimes I get an urge to hug him or cuddle because I remember that he’s right there & he always responds back with the same emotions. Or when we were in the drive-thru at Wendy’s & I told him how the last time I came here by myself, the guy behind the counter was really rude to me & he says “He better not try my girl with that f**** s*** or else I’ll kick his a**!” Or like last night, we can’t afford to eat out, but I got stuck in traffic for an hour & didn’t feel like cooking so he says without me asking “I’ll cook the pork chops for you.” He’s affectionate, he wants me to have his baby, he cleans & cooks, he’s considerate of my feelings, he works overtime to try to compensate for his mistakes & I trust him with my life. To me, all that shows the love between us.

I could feel the warmth from this reply and it nearly brought me to tears. Sylvia’s description of love was joyous to her and just what she needed. For as long as I’ve known her she has emphatically hoped for one thing; a family.

She’s well on her way. God has truly blessed.

See, He DOES give you the desires of your heart.

He’s Taken

I was talking to my friend tonight and she mentioned that she was about to go out to dinner.

“Who are you going with?”

~giggle~ “You know…”

“THAT MARRIED MAN?”

“Girl, he is NOT married!”

“Basically he is. He LIVES with his girlfriend. DANG! How you gonna be like that?”

“Oh girl, stop it! You know we are not doing anything. I just haven’t seen him in a long time. Since February.”

“I don’t give a DAMMNN! He got a lady!”

“Like you never did it? What about Joe?”

“HEY! Joe is with his girl, he has a brand new baby and I have let that go. I don’t call him. I don’t disturb his family. Besides I’ve known Joe since I was 12, you just met this dude. He can’t be THAT important where you would be the slimy chick on the side.”

“I’m not the chick on the side. We’re just friends. We vibe like that.”

“Whatever! You trifling. Think about his girl, she at home thinking her man out running to Walmart and he is meeting up with you buying you meals telling you how much he like you and blah blah blah… Damn. I feel her pain already. Come on chick! Ask yourself, ‘Would you want your man to do that with someone else?'”

“Girl….”

“Damn. That’s messed up. You doing wrong and you KNOW it. Do me a favor, if you want to talk about this subject, do it with someone else, because that really lessens your integrity. If you gotta sneak to do it, it’s wrong. I don’t know why that doesn’t mean anything to people these days.”

“Aww here you go!”

“Shut up! I have confessed and repented and turned away from my wicked ways. I’m trying to do things the right way. All that craziness in my past didn’t do me any good. I want to see what’s going to happen if I do right.”

~sadly~ “Girl, let me call him and tell him not to come…”

“Naw, don’t do that. Do your thang, Ma. If you don’t believe you are doing wrong, don’t let me sway you. But you know.. I think we are too old for this….”

Now I have definately had my fun, FUN time as the chick on the side. ~sigh~ I’ll never forget him. Dude was pretty damn tight and all I needed was a friend. I just had my first son. I was ready to get over my Baby Daddy and I needed someone new.

I ran into him at a friend’s house and as soon as we peeped each other, I knew it was gonna be on. He walked me home and we exchanged numbers. A week later he was back, looking nervous but sexy as hell.

I smiled and laughed at him as we sat together on my living room floor. He bit his lip and moved closer to me, looking deep into my eyes. I leaned forward too and smiled.

“So tell me something,” I asked him in a whisperm then I paused for effect. “You got a girlfriend?”

He shot straight up, standing on his feet, straightening his clothes. He looked sooo uncomfortable.

“Well, uh… Well.. I… uh… well… something like that.”

I laughed a little bit and motioned for him to sit down. “Look, I just wanted you to know that I know what I’m getting into.”

Things went on for quite a while. As expected I started to like him so I had to let our relationship dwindle away. How could I ever be attracted to someone who so blatantly disrespects his girlfriend, no matter how sweet he was to me?

After all this time I still think about him with fond memories but I know that I am past that point of confusion.

Little girls play the role of chick on the side
Grown women sleep alone until their time
I need not share someone else’s man
Snatching up leftovers whenever I can
What makes me so much worse than the main chick?
She’s standing by your side
I’m being your bitch
Yeah I can flip it and act like I’m getting mine
But the truth I can’t hide
I’m really dieing inside
Cuz what kind of woman
Seperates her body from her heart
Physically it’s impossible
Not just anatomical
God made it implausible
Heart, body and soul
Inseperable
They need protection so
Guard them with your life
They are your lifeline
You don’t have to be #2
When God made you divine
Support your sister
Check her motives
Don’t hurt each other
We’re not in competition
These men are our brothers
Don’t give them the opportunity
To step outside
If we say No, then they’ll have to walk the straight line
We’re pulling them on leashes
And then calling them dogs
We’re the trainers
They’re sniffing at us
But they’re not a lost cause
You never know
It could be you sending your man to Walmart
And he’s off sipping sodas
With some chick in the park
He tells you he loves you
But he gave her his heart
He comes home
Smiling
With a faint aroma
You frown and ask
What’s her name?
And he answers
Karma