I flipped the hell out last night!
After watching Kanye West’s DRIVEN story for the FOURTH time I fell into a funk. That man amazes me. That man WOULD NOT STOP! No one believed in him. No one would give him a chance to prove himself but you know what- he gave HIMSELF a chance. And he proved everyone wrong. Damn, that’s so sexy.
Now it’s only natural to do a bit of self examination after seeing such a powerful biography. I sat in my bed shaking my head and asking myself, “Do you really want it Ms. Tee? Do you have what it takes? Are you a big dreamer or are you a big doer? What’s going on with you girl?”
I sat there with my knees pressed to my chest, the blanket barely warming my toes. I couldn’t sleep. My mind raced. I re examined every significant choice that I made in my life and asked myself “How did you get here?”
Lately I’ve had the strangest feeling. It’s as if my life is on pause, hoping for an opportunity to arise that will set me back into motion. Yes, I have two small kids. So that means that I can’t go out and chase my dreams without caution like the single people can. That means that my first responsibility is to take care of them and not toss them to the side for MY goals.
But does having kids mean I can’t have my heart’s desire too? Have I done enough? Will I ever do enough? When will it be MY chance to shine? Damn! All this talent and personality and ambition and —dude, I make name tags for a living.
My thoughts drifted to my job and I felt sad. I don’t fit in there. I’m not accomplishing anything there. You can only go to so many parties before they all become one big blur. There are so many white people and I’m so insecure that I have created this wall and I’m feeling the strain of my attitude. At the end of the day I go home, excited to see my sons, but knowing in my heart that I have not contributed a damn thing to make this world a better place. I have so much more to offer, where’s my opportunity?
How can I dare to dream so big as to want to change the world? How can I dare to believe in my heart that lil ol me can make a difference in millions of lives? Who am I?
Who am I?
Fuck that shit, I AM DRIVEN!
Yes, ME, who survived years of mental, physical and sexual abuse and still managed to go off to college when NO ONE told me to, or expected me to do it. Yes ME with the low self esteem who people STILL describe as shiny and passionate. Yes, ME, the chick who had two kids in college, and failed so many classes over and over and over again, never truly believing that I could ever do it. But I did it!
Fuck that shit, I AM DRIVEN!
I may not have the resources to quit my job and fly around the country auditioning to be a TV host. I don’t have publishing houses knocking down my door breaking me off with million dollar advances for my book (yet). But you know what? I’m doing the best I can with what I have. I write. I share my heart. I bare my soul, for you. Not so that you can judge me, but so that maybe, one reader, will see a tiny part of herself and realize that we are all fighting a tough battle and we WILL OVERCOME! Every one of us!
I work on my book, little by little, and I’m faithful. I have no blueprint for success but all I can do is try. I try! I hope. I pray. I’m so hungry for success that it leaves me queasy. I’m so hungry to make a fabulous living doing what I do best which is writing, speaking and mesmerizin’em with these eyes.
I don’t have a quarter to spare, but if you ever come into contact with me you will walk away feeling like you could walk on water after being reminded of how special and valuable you are.
I can’t fault myself for my past. Ofcourse I could have made better decisions, but the result of my good and bad decisions is the woman I am today. I like myself. I think I’m great. I think I’m wonderful actually. But there are so many things that I need to work on before I get my chance to do my thang. How can I heal the world when I’m not healed myself? The pain, the anger against men, the racial insecurities will all be addressed in Jesus name!
And then I will be blessed to go out and change the world.
And then I will be blessed to go out and change the world.
Yes, Kanye West’s story is unbelievably inspiring, but I won’t allow it to make me feel like I’m not doing enough. I am doing as much as I can do without ignoring my responsibilities. I’m not trying to prove anyone else wrong, I’m hoping to prove myself RIGHT. I know who I am. I know what I can do. I just need one shot.
I am being faithful with the talents that God has given me.
I will not lose hope.
My time will come.
In due season.
I will never give up.
Never.
