You Never Know

You never know how significantly a total stranger can change your life.

When I sit back and think about how I met my children’s father, I am amazed. If I knew then what I know now, I would have probably ran the other way.

First encounter

The first time I saw my future baby daddy was at an auction. You know, when organizations auction dates for charity. Someone had convinced me to be in this auction. When I got there I saw this guy standing behind the podium, it was him. He was the auctioneer. We never spoke to each other. I had absolutely no opinion of him.

Second encounter

Next time I saw him was at the Black Student Union Pageant. My friend Jason had asked me to bring my friends to show him support as he tried to win the title of Mr. Black Student Union. I was happy to do it. I brought all of my girls out to cheer for him. My future baby daddy was in this pageant too. Jason didn’t win. He came in first runner up. My future baby daddy won. I was impressed by his speaking skills. He seemed like he was very charming.

After the pageant, I went back to my dorm room, got undressed and ready for bed. I called Jason up to congralulate him and he asked me if I wanted to go out to celebrate. It wasn’t that late, so I said Okay, got dressed again and went outside to wait for him. When he pulled up, who was in the car? My future baby daddy. It turned out that they were good friends.

My first words to him were: “Congralulations. You did a great job.”

He looked at me non chalantly over his shoulder and said, “Yeah, thanks.”

We picked up this chick, one of his friends, and the four of us went back to Jason’s place for some drinks.

I never thought about him again.

Next encounter

It was summertime and the Alpha’s were throwing a 4th of July pool party. I had just turned 19 two days before. I went, cuz I loved the Alpha’s. I was there sitting in my bikini, trying to stay dry. My friend Jason walks in with my future baby daddy and Jason flings off his shoes and dives into the water. Future baby daddy walks by and goes and sits in the corner. He never moves from that spot.

We officially meet

This same summer I auditioned to be the host for our school’s Black Student Assembly. It’s a welcome assembly for all of the Black students which introduces them to the African American community on campus. My freshman year I had gone to that assembly and I just KNEW that I wanted to host it the next year. I made it my mission to find out when they were holding auditions.

I auditioned and I got the job. The event organizer informed me that my co-host would be none other than my future baby daddy. I had no feelings about this. I knew that he was a good speaker and that he was Mr. BSU, that’s about all I knew about him.

At our first meeting I walked in and he was sitting there with this bored expression on his face. “Hello, Ms. Patterson,” he said to me. I smiled and said Hi.

The event organizer asked us to get together to write our script. She also suggested that we hang out sometime so that we can get to know each other and it won’t seem so fake when we hosted the show. “Go to a movie or something,” she said. “Go to the mall, whatever, just get cool enough to seem friendly when the show comes.”

He never called me. And since I wanted to be tight, I ended up calling him to work on our part. He promised to meet me at my dorm the next day at 3:30. The next day I was waiting and my phone didn’t ring until 4:30pm.

“Uh, you’re late,” I told him. “Are you downstairs?”

“Naw, I’m home. I’m tired. Can we do this over the phone?”

“Sure.”

We ended up getting off topic quite a bit. Everyone knows that I am inquisitive. I learned that he had a few weeks left in school before he graduated and started law school. I also learned that he was only 20 years old. I was impressed. I was 19 at the time and just starting my sophomore year. I hadn’t met too many many men, scratch that, I had not met ANY man who was as ambitious as I was.

I think we hung out that night at his place. He cooked some fajitas for me and we told stories about growing up in Miami. We’re both from Miami.

I had a great time and I decided that I liked him. He was cool.

We hung out all the time after that. I would bake cookies for him and we would watch movies. By the time the summer session ended I had started to “like” him but I didn’t tell him. This was really weird for me since I didn’t find him the least bit attractive. I was used to dating pretty boys and he was far from pretty. Still I found that my heart ached when he wasn’t around. I missed him when he wasn’t near.

Summer school ended and I checked my account. I had exactly $55 in it. The one way bus ticket back to Miami would run me $53 which would mean that I would be broke for the entire 2 week break between summer session and fall.

He suggested that I stay in Gainesville for his graduation and then ride back down with his family. I felt weird about this because I didn’t want to be seen as his girlfriend. I already had 2 “friends” at the time. Playa, playa.

But I agreed to stay. I really did like him, though I was afraid to admit it to myself.

The day his people came up I was at the salon, getting my hair done. I called him to come pick me up and he said he was out and would send his roommate to get me and bring me back to his place.

When I got to his apartment all of his friends were there and I knew none of them. But I’m cool, so I just get cozy on his bed and start talking to his friends. When he walks in, I am amazed. Brotha had flipped it on me. He had a brand new hair cut, he had a whole new wardrobe and he was looking so good! I was shocked. I raised my eyebrow when he came right up to me and kissed me on the cheek in front of all of his friends.

I had an amazing time with his friends that night. The girls all gushed about how much they loved him and have loved him since they were kids. His family made me feel so comfortable and he was so sweet, I let my guard down.

After his graduation, I rode home with him in silence. We just smiled and acted all nervous. Things were transforming between us all in one weekend. I gave him the best graduation present he could ask for and I cried afterward. I thought I was crying because it was so good, but I now realize that I crying because in the spirit realm I had created a soul tie and I didn’t even know it.

A soul tie that could never be broken without the power of God.

My feelings changed immediately after that. We had talked about having a relationship before.

Him: I want you to be my girlfriend, but if that’s not what you want, then that’s cool.

Me: No, I don’t want that.

Funny how things change after being intimate.

I went to him and said, “OK, I think I’m ready to be your girl.”

“Are you sure?” he stammered.

“Yeah.”

I rode back to Miami with his girlfriends. I remember as we were leaving he stood in the doorway of his building just staring at me with this weird expression.

Wow. I didn’t plan to be with him. It just happened.

Six years and two kids later we can barely speak to each other without arguing.

We had both been so young when we met that we were still growing and changing into the adults we are now. Relationships formed so early have a bad chance of lasting because both people are still trying to find themselves. The person I was then is ridiculously different from the person and I am now, and the same in his case.

We didn’t grow together. We grew apart. We grew up.

But because we have children we are tied forever. There’s no walking away now. Like it or not we are family.

My hope for us is that one day we will develop a mutual respect for each other. I’ve forgiven him for the hurt of my past and I hope he has forgiven me too. I don’t ache over our failed relationship. I ache because the generational curse of single parenthood had been passed down to me and my sons.

I learned a valuable lesson about generational curses. The only way to break them is with the scripture that says:

Revelation 12 :11 They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony;

This speaks life to me because it means that by giving your life to God (being covered by the blood of Jesus) and not being afraid to share your testimony, you can be an overcomer.

Don’t hide your past mistakes from your children. Tell them the truth. And hold them accountable. Let them know that this curse is upon your family and they have the power to break it by serving God and choosing to do what is right.

Tell them that they hold the key to happiness in their decisions. If they choose righteously, their families won’t have to go through the heartache that they had to go through. It’s a huge responsibilty, but so is life.

When they want to date or have sex, remind them that they can break the curse by making a wise decision. When they want to go drinking, remind them that they have a choice to be a part of the string of alcoholics in your family. Ultimately it is up to them, but by living a Godly example and sharing the truth about your past, you are equipping them with the right tools to do better than you did.

Don’t be ashamed of your mistakes. Your lesson learned is the STOP sign for the next person when they are at that crossroad.

That is why I am so free and easy when it comes to sharing my heart. I may not get it right, but someone who reads this may see themselves in my situation and choose to live differently.

Your testimony is powerful and necessary. Your struggles were not for you, it was for someone else. To help them get through the tough times because they see that you made it through.

Don’t turn down the light on your past, shine it bright, so that others can see the way.