What kind of Asshole Are You?

My phone rings yesterday and it’s my brother Randall.

“What’s up dude?”
“Hey Sis, I have someone here that I want you to talk to.”

The phone changes hands.

“Hello.” a funny sounding voice says.
“Hey..” I respond waiting for the man to introduce himself.
“Yeah, How you doing? Your brother has told me a lot about you.”
“Aww man. Are you serious? Is he trying to hook us up?” I roll my eyes.
“Naw, I asked about you after seeing you at the shop. (My brother has a barber shop and I go there every other week to get my hair cut and get cuts for my boys too.)
“So you saw me at The Shop and you asked Randall for my number.”
“Yeah I asked about you and he said he’d call you for me.”
“Mmm, hmm. Let me speak to Randall please.”

Randall gets the phone. I can tell he’s at The Shop now, I can hear men’s voices in the background.

“Dude, do you think I’m desperate? I DON’T WANT YOU TO TRY TO HOOK ME UP with your friends. Damn!”
“Hold up. Everytime dude comes through he asks about you. I’m your brother I wouldn’t put you down with any random punk ass nigga. WHat you think? Damn. Just talk to the nigga. Or don’t. Damn.”
“You get on my nerves sometimes. I told you I’m straight.”
“No you didn’t. Can I give him your number? He’s cool man.”
“Whatever. yeah.”

The Dude calls me that same night around 10:30 amd proceeds to run his game. I’m in the middle of writing last night’s post and am kinda annoyed that he ruined an emotional moment for me.

He’s all, “I’m a good man. I am honest. I am the kinda man that takes care of his woman. I have my own business. I’m ambitious. I don’t jump in and out of relationships. The Lord told me that my next relationship is going to be with my wife.”

While he’s talking I’m thinking, “Heard it all before!” In fact, I’m remembering how the ATTORNEY ran all this game to me and I actually believed his ass. I’m sitting there with the phone half way to my ear with a smirk on my face like, YEAH RIGHT. I’m asking myself, “Do I feel like seeing what kind of asshole this man is gonna be?” I’m yawing and shrugging my shoulders as he asks me questions. I’m usually a motormouth but I don’t feel like wasting my breath explaing myself to some man who is gonna end up being just like THE ATTORNEY, a liar. Blah, blah, blah… Is he still talking? Damn, is this an interview?

“Can we meet for lunch tomorrow?” he asks. “I don’t want to keep calling you and you don’t know who I am.”
“Yeah. Sure. Meet me at Picaddily’s at 12:30.” Who turns down free food?

On the way over there, I’m already rolling my eyes because as long as I have been going to get my hair cut at my brother’s shop, NOT ONE man that I have ever seen there has appealed to me. And he said that I saw him before. They all check me out and some ACT LIKE they want to holla but they don’t. And I don’t want them to. Once a guy followed me outside and after I buckled my sons into their car seats and turned around to face him, he bent down acting like he was tieing his shoe. Scaredy cats.

So I pull into the parking lot at Picaddily’s today at12:45 as my phone rings. It’s him.
“Hey. Are you here yet?”
“Yeah,” I answer and roll my eyes. What kind of asshole will HE BE?
“Ok, I’m inside already.”
“Well come out. I don’t know what you look like.”
“I’m walking out right now.”

He walks out and I’m like, ~yawn~ He looks like a short, chubby, broke Jay-Z.

I smile radiantly anyway and give him a fake hug. We walk in, eat and are done in 20 minutes. He tells me that ever since he saw me he had me on his mind. He thinks I’m beautiful. He would love to see me on a regular basis. I’m sitting there like, WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE WILL YOU BE?

I’m so non chalant and so not into what he’s talking about.

He asks me, “Well, am I the kind of man you could see yourself being with?”


I pause for like, 5 seconds and stare at him. “Listen, we only met yesterday.”

“No,” he says and laughs. “I mean physically. Do you think I’m attractive? Because I sure think you are georgeous.”

“You’re straight.” I tell him and look away.

I must admit I’m being very hard on him. He’s pretty nice. In fact, he’s a sweetie. Kinda funny. And even more funny looking. And I’m thinking to myself, “Why all the sweet guys gotta look like Jermaine Dupree? Why can’t I meet a man that I am attracted to and is also a good man?”

I am so tired of giving these funny looking dudes a chance. They don’t do anything but act like an ass and I’m EXTRA pissed because I gave him a chance and he STILL tried me when he KNOW HE AIN’T CUTE! That pisses me off.

But then I remember how much I thought my baby daddy was ugly when I met him and even after all the drama to this day I still find him attractive. Funny how getting to know someone will change the way they look.

But then I get pissed as I’m looking at him cuz I’m wondering if this is my fate. Not him specifically, but this scenerio. Me sitting across from some man that I am not remotely attracted to, just because he is nice to me and adores me. Is this what I have to look forward to? Is this what love is about? You settle for someone who adores you but you have lukewarm feelings for?

Then I get more pissed as he tells me about his family. I’m sitting there with this fake smile on my face. I’m getting pissed because I don’t want to have kids with someone I don’t even want to look at! I don’t wanna be bound to him just because he’s nice and sweet and breaks bread! I’d rather be alone dammit! I’d rather be by myself than to settle for Plan B.

That’s why I am going to make my money ON MY OWN. I don’t need some man to come make up for the blank hole in my family. It’s gonna be rough but my sons will be well taken care of by MOMMY! I’m not gonna just lay up with some man so that I can be able to afford a car note or a bigger house. Fuck it! I’m gonna do this shit by myself! I don’t want to settle for a handout or just because I want my booty rubbed.

My boys give me all the love I need. I don’t ever want to be fooled again. To be played again. To sit there and compromise what I know I want only to be jerked around in the end.

Right now it’s time to FOCUS. To make money and establish myself for my family. It’s all about moving forward in my career and being the best MOMMY I can be. All that love shit. Man, it can come later on, when things are going smoothly for my boys and I.

When they are older and more self sufficient. Right now, I don’t have time for the extra drama or the failed relationships. Right now all I have time for is learning as much as I can about Development so that I can advance and finishing my novel.

Right now it’s time to put my physical and romantic desires on the shelf and go after those things I can actually do something about.

I realize all of this while he’s talking to me and he stops talking and we walk out together.

He gives me a hug and tells me what a treat it was to be with me.

“I hope to hear from you soon.” I lie.
“Soon? You’ll hear from me tonight.” He says and smiles brightly.
“Mmmm, hmmm.” I say and walk to my car.

I really don’t have time to figure out what kind of asshole you will be. I have too much to do right now. I’m moving in two weeks.

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