Trying To Be Me

I am soo not feeling grad school right now. I mean, I love what I’m learning but these 3 hour classes are killing me. I can’t pay attention for that long at one time. PLUS- it seems like one of my classes this semester is more of a “Memorize this” class and that is my biggest weakness.

I don’t learn well that way. I don’t learn well by taking notes. I have to put the lesson in action or have an indepth discussion of the topic with personal examples in order for me to get it. I’m not a student in the sense of I take exams and do well on them. This semester I have exams. Rote memorization. Group projects. ~sigh~ I hate group projects. You have to collaborate and shit. Wait for them to catch up with you, cooperate and shit. I’m not like that man. Fuck. I don’t know what to do.

If only I had a class that studied things and then had me to demonstrate my knowledge of the subject in a creative way. Man..I’m really feeling like a failure after not doing well on my last exam and then knowing that I have another one coming up PLUS this group presentation. I should have elected to do the whole thing by myself. I don’t work on other people’s timeline…

So frustrated. So frustrated. Wishing I could learn all this and then just go talk to the professors about it and learn from them. I know they think I’m weird.

I’ve spoken with 3 professors about my goals and one told me, “I’m gonna give you advice, Tee. Don’t tell people about all of the projects and goals you have. You’ll scare them.” ANother one said, “Do you really think you can accomplish all of that in 3 years?” WHY NOT? WHY NOT? I don’t get it…

I’m not trying to scare anyone. I’m just trying to BE ME. I’m trying to find someone else who sees visions like I do for their life and who is actively going after them instead of going to school to get a JOB. I’m not in school to get a JOB. I’m in school to learn so that I can be a better help to people through my writing and speaking in the future.

I feel so alone in this. No one understands me.