Share My World

Video Eyes

Ive got me some basic cable and Im glued to the TV like a toddler watching their first Barney video.

I havent watched television for a year and a half and so many things have changed. First of all, most of the shows are reality-based. It seems like all of the celebrities are reality TV stars. You know what? Thats not fair! All these actors and musicians had to work their tailbones to the grind to be able to fulfill their dreams and you win ONE talent show or casting search and all of a sudden youre sharing the red carpet with Hollywood’s best!

That ain’t right!

And the Mother of all reality shows, The Real World has me so afraid to watch it now. When I see clips of Real World Las Vegas I have to change the channel because it looks like a soft porno.

All that licking and sucking and making out with whoever is sitting next to you at the moment…ugh…well, honestly it turns me on. And that it is the REAL reason I cant watch it. Why would I, sitting alone in my house, pledging never to date again, want to become aroused?

There is no point to that. Especially since I know God is watching me and he would probably shake his head in embarrassment if he had to watch me pleasure myself. Ewww. Imagine your daddy coming in while you’re doing that. Yeah…gross. Well, thats how I feel.

Oh yeah, where are all the music videos? I used to be able to see a music video, now all I see are clips of the videos in between some special category show like, ‘Hip Hop’s Hottest Hips’ or something.

The world has gone crazy for Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. What does Paris do besides stay skinny? I guess the world is always looking for someone to idolize.

But Britney, ahhh, she’s a star. I have no idea what shes saying in her songs and I just recently saw one of her videos for the first time but that chick is an amazing performer. Too bad she has nothing worthwhile to say.

If she would just use her talent to glorify God, so many millions would be uplifted. That goes for Eminem too. He is off the chain! He is so good at telling a story and riding a beat. He captures my attention and keeps me riveted whenever he begins a song. Too bad he’s allowed the enemy to use him as a spokesperson advocating violence and degradation of women and general craziness.

I wish these ppl would use their powers for good not evil.

There are TOO MANY decorating and makeover shows on TV. I used to love watching Trading Spaces, but now i think I’ll vomit if I see another person screaming in delight over geometric shapes and bright colors in their bedroom.

I dont really watch primetime TV. I cant figure out what to watch and Im too lazy to buy a TV guide so I usually chat online during this time.

Late nights are spent with none other than DAVID LETTERMAN! I love him! He’s so amazingly uncomplicated that its funny. What kind of segment is ‘Is this Anything?”? What kind of mess is that? But I watch and I laugh and I tune in again and again. I tred to watch Leno, but he’s just not funny.

But the number ONE spot on my MUST SEE TV, is VH1 with all their specials on celebrity lifestyles. I am simply fascinated by these shows. The extravagance, the liberty, the loot! One day I’ll be right up there with them, but I know it’ll be because God wanted it that way, not because of me.

I let my older son Sai stay up past his bedtime tonight cuz he was being a good boy. I’m gonna go watch some SpongeBob with him.

Laters.

HEYYYYYY!

You wont believe what happened! I messed up my conputer somehow and it hasnt been working for the past 5 days! Five days with no internet access- sigh. Things have been peacefeul actually.

Im too tired to give the downlow on all that has happened since Ive started working but I’ll get to it soon. I hope you didnt miss me too much.

Laters.

New Challenges

I started my job as a Program Assistant for Research Studies at the VA. Yes people I work for DA GUBMENT!

It’s a different world from where I come from-LOL

This new gig/season in my life is challenging in several different ways:

1) I’m so sleepy. I am used to taking luscious naps in the afternoon. No more. No nap all week. Oh no…. It’s a challenge to keep my eyes open during orientation.

2) I dont know nothing. I dont know a THING about medical research. When I walked into the office on the first day and he gave me my first assignment I almost fell asleep reading it. (Oh shoot, let me tell you exactly what I do. I figured it out now. So, this division of Veteran Affairs called Research performs these studies on Veterans and the statisticians do their thing to the numbers after some of the other ppl there put the data in the computer. The PhD’s analyze the statistics and then come up with the “findings”. EX. Studies show, blah, blah ,blah. He writes this down and publishes it in a scientific journal. Thats where I come in. Before he publishes it, he asks me to edit it for him. I get to make his writing sound less technical and make sure it is easy to understand.)

~WHEW~ that was long!

Anyway, when he gave me my first report to edit, I couldnt keep focused on it. It was not my style of writing, a subject I knew nothing about and wasnt really interested in. I wondered if I could stay awake all day much less come back. But alas, I did and its been getting better everyday. It’s a challenge to start over from scratch when youre used to being knowlegable.

3) Did you guys know that there arent as many saved ppl as there are unsaved ppl? I guess I have been living in a coccoon. I try to surround myself with ppl who are living for God. I succeed at it too.

So, on Monday when I stepped into that orientation room and began to talk to the ppl who were there with me I knew I was in for something different. The women were pretty nice but the men…OMG. My friends in Miami complain all the time about not being taken seriously and being hit on by men just because of their looks and Im not even all that and I couldnt believe all the offers of dates I got.

It was gross! Im talking old me with gray hair. Younger men with gold teeth. I felt like they were trying me. Everyone who knows me knows that I feel that if ANY man walks up to me and tries to HOLLA, then he is obviously not the man God has for me. Cuz I think my husband is going to want to be my friend. Not try to hit and split.

So, I dont even know how to talk to these men. When I was in school, I would usually just laugh and brush it off knowing I never had to see that person again. But these are men that I am going to see everyday for this season of my life and I dont want to cause tension. It’s a challenge to show love and be a light when some are mistaking your light for romantic interest.

4) Close supervision. It seems like God is in the business of training me up. Neale is the doctor who heads up my research team. He goes to my church and he is super saved. LOL. I love him already. He is not afraid to pull me and his other assistant Charlene into his office and pray over our day. On my first day there he gave us devotionals to read. Can you believe it?!

I know God is using him to help me grow. I cant slip up at work. I cant compromise.

The really cool thing is, he shares his wisdom with me. Today he called me into his office and said, “Well, Holy Spirit is leading me to remind you of this and I know you’ve heard Pastor speak about it many time. And Im sure Pastor has spoken about it too. You’re about to enter into a new income bracket and it is important that you are faithful with your tithes. The truth is, if you rob God you will be cursed. And we dont want that. So, I know when you get paid you will be tempted to go out and shop, but remember God first.”

DANGG!!!!

I was like, blown away. I am so glad that he was obedient enough to speak to me in that way. We dont know each other well, but from that bit of instruction I can tell that he loves me. We only get correction or instruction from ppl who love us.

I hope he has plenty more where that came from. And I will always listen and be obedient. So this time, Im being challenged to be my best, be a light and believe that I CAN do this job, cuz God wouldnt have given it to me if I couldnt.

Gotta go to bed. I stayed up just to write this.

I miss writing so much….I dont have the time anymore. ~yawn~

Today I was getting the groceries out of my car when my son said the craziest thing.

See, since I have two boys by myself and lots of groceries I usually leave them in the car while I carry the groceries to the balcony of my first floor apartment and sit them on my patio chairs. Then I get the boys and bring them into the house. Just sharing a little trick on how I manage with my sugars.

ANYHOO- While I was walking back to the car for another load of groceries, a white guy pulls up in this NIIICEEE car! Ofcourse, I’m sweating it but not really noticing the guy. I make some kind of remark under my breath and as he walks by he looks at me puzzled and says, “What happened?” I shrugged and said, “Nice car.”

He walked away and so did I. No big deal. But my 3 1/2 year old son obviously thought it was.

When I opened the front door to get more bags out he questioned me like he was a stalking baby daddy!

“Mama! Who was that man?!”

I laughed and shook my head.

“Mama! I said who was that man?!”

I looked at him amazed and amused and explained myself like he was an abusive husband.

“Sai, it was just some guy, I dont know.”

“Why you talking to him?” he asked, looking at me with a serious expression. “Why you talking to him?”

DANGGGG!

Do men get these traits at an early age?

I explained to my son that I can talk to whoever I want to and Im gonna beat his behind if he ever question me like that again.

Child please! I aint got no man!

Or so I thought…

My son Sai has a fever. So, Im cuddling him and serving him to make him feel better. While he’s on the couch watching Sponge Bob I’m over here missing church again and thinking about my career.

I have done some good things with my writing. But I want more. Maybe thats my problem. Im never satisfied. Anything I do could always be better. Anytime I dream, there could always be more. Sometimes I feel like I may be overcompensating, trying to do more, because I had to stop everything when I had my children and it took me so long to finish school.

But then I remember I was always like that. I always dreamt way bigger than anyone I knew. My vision is to impact generations with my philanthropy and writing and words of wisdom. Most ppl dont dream like that.

I just want to write. More than anything else I want to write and uplift. If money wasnt an issue, this is what I’d do for life. My dream is to sit right here in front of my computer listening to the rain and pouring my heart out for others to read. For me writing is not a selfish thing. I dont write just to vent, though sometimes it leads me to write. While I am writing I ask myself, how will this impact someone? Even if I am sad or upset I dont want my reader to engulf themselves in my negative emotions although I do expect them to empathize with me.

I try to turn it around somewhere at the end. To make myself feel better by remembering a promise of God and to remind the reader that in the end, it all comes down to God’s hope for our lives. He wants to prosper us and give us life abundantly.

Yeah, everytime I pick up a magazine or read something interesting I think to myself, I can do that. I can write like that or better. All I know is that I am where God wants me to be right now. It may not be at the center of a media storm but its a blessed position and if I am faithful He will take me where He wants me to be.

ANd you know what? That sounds good, but I TRULY believe it.

Mind Boggling

I got a lot on my mind. I messed up last week. I didnt count my money right and now my account is in negative. I wont even tell you how much. This hurts me so much because I havent had to pay a non sufficient funds fee in years. I am always on top of things, I always have money. Im so broke right now.

And I really need a new car. My car is tore up. And its only worth $750, if that. I want to give it to my lil sister but Im not sure if I can handle a car note. Well, I know Im responsible. I know I will pay my bill on time, but dang, without all the help I was getting when I was in school, my budget is going to be tight.

I’m not really stressing. Just kinda deflated. I want to be excited about getting a new car. It’s time. I just feel like everything is changing so fast. School loan payments coming up soon. Man…

Mo money mo problems, I guess. I still have to come home for lunch and eat Ramen Noodles everyday.

My first paycheck is still two weeks away. At least my boys dont know how broke we are right now.

Owwww…

I hurt all over. Im sick. My body aches. My mouth is hot and nasty. My kids are starting to irritate me with their whining. Im usually very patient with them.

Can I say something that I am so afraid to admit? Please dont be mad at me, God, but I dont like my job.

I know Im supposed to be grateful that Im making good money and its the kind of job that most people settle into and stay for years but I am bored out of my mind.

Its one of those jobs where you perform tasks. Thats all you do. Someone asks you to do soemthing and you do it. No thinking involved. No creativity. No watching your idea take form and flourish. Am i horrible? I know God must be so mad at me for being like this.

I fight to stay awake at my job and my tasks are not challenging and take about two seconds to perform. And even when things progress its still gonna be the same. Fill out forms, read boring papers- SMILE.

I am so sorry I feel this way. The guilt is eating me alive. I dont want to be ungrateful I just want to be happy to go to work and right now I dread going over there because there’s nothing fulfilling to do.

Dont be mad at me. Im still going to work with the spirit of excellence and try to stay awake all day. Im sorry.

Being in Christ means always striving to be better for God. I want God to be proud of me. I want Him to be happy with me.

Im always so convicted when I hear my Pastor speak. He is ALWAYS talking to me. I always have things I need to work on and right now its loving people. He said that if we have not become a more loving person since coming to Christ, then we dont know Christ.

I dont love everybody. I dont hate anyone, but I dont love everybody. Ever meet those Christians who are just so open and friendly? They love you without being pushy. Their eyes say they love you. They dont smother you with scriptures, they just love you with a hug and a helping hand whenever you ask for it. I have a friend like that. Her name is Mireille. I call her Mimi. I couldnt even begin to write about how Mimi has impacted my life.

She led me to Christ. She held my hand while I was learning. She helped me to hold on until I got joined to the church that God had for me. I am forever grateful. I hope that one day I can love someone like Mimi loved me. I’m not there yet. I have a long way to go.

But you know what? I see my problem and Im willing to work on it.

Lord, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give me another job that will utilize my creativity and nourish my gifting. I hope that only you will get the glory through my work, but I need to actually ENJOY what I do. I know theres more to life than simply working.

Im in Christ so I know theres more. I dont have to settle for a job. I have Christ so I have authority and favor. I WILL GET ANOTHER JOB. I WILL BE HAPPY AT MY WORKPLACE AND GET TO DO AMAZING THINGS WITHIN THE COMMUNICATIONS INDUSTRY. In Jesus name. Amen.

He, he, he!

I know I love God and I am supposed to guard my heart against the craziness that is infiltrating America through television, but…

I love the Dave Chapelle show. Its HILARIOUS! I feel like Im sneaking and watching it. Hey, I gotta go. Just had to make that confession, the commercial break is over.

Remember, Dont tell nobody.