Another day, another struggle.
For the longest time I have been running away, literally, from the women at my church. They are all nice, sweet, generous, blah, blah, blah but I just dont vibe with any of them.
It may be my fault. I dont give any of them a chance. When they ask me to hang out, I say no immediately. Last night I spoke with Labreia, this girl from church who is trying to befriend me. I feel so sad for her because I’m not the easiest person to befriend. My friendships just happen. I dont work at it. I dont call people and make an effort, me and my girls just click.
But she has been trying very hard to be my friends and love on me and I have been like, “great. im so excited.”
Shes nice and even my Pastor told me that i should develop a relationship with her. I was like, “great. im so excited.”
See, I dont think friendships should be forced. I HATE being forced into a little box. I feel like my Pastor is saying, “Choose your friends from among these women.” And I’m rebelling because I dont want to choose from them. I have friends already. Even though I never hang out with them or really talk to them, Im cool like that.
When I told Labreia about being by myself all the time she asked me, “Are you depressed?” LOL
I thought that was funny because it is quite the opposite. I ENJOY having my place to myself, no interruptions, no clothes on, no distractions. I can just chill and be me and not answer the phone if I dont want to, which is often.
Am I a freak because I dont like to hang out with people? I spent so many years as the center of attention, always surrounded by ppl, I am enjoying this time alone. Labreia says I am being selfish.
My Pastor feels like I should develop relationships with women of God in our church. Man, I dont want to.
It’s like showing up at the movie theatre and saying, “I’ll see whatever movie is playing.” No one does that. You go to the theatre when a movie intrigues you and makes you want to see the whole thing. No one at my church has intrigued me to where I want to see what they are about outside of church. I can’t force myself to be interested.