Outside Forces

I found this picture at my Mama’s house yesterday. I stared it for a quite a while. I remember that day.

I was 22. I was on my way to our college television news auditions. Even though I was a magazine journalism major (you could only choose one major) I met with the television broadcasting department heads and convinced them to allow me to audition. I told them that I was talented and eager and I would be an asset to their news team. I guess they believed me. They granted me permission to audition although broadcasting wasn’t my major.

I was very excited that day. Two of my friends Marsha and Michelle were supposed to go to the auditions with me. Both of them were actually majoring in television broadcasting but they were both a little slow in jumping into the audition process. Just before I left to pick up Michelle and head over to campus, Marsha called and canceled. It upset me a little. If this is supposed to be your lifelong dream, why are you being complacent about it? Oh well.

I remember going in to the studio and signing up for the sports anchor auditions. The teleprompter wasn’t working that day so we had to read from a hand held script. I sat down in the anchor seat, the lights blared, the camera whirred and…I nailed that shit.

As much as I love to create, as much as I love to blog and write articles and tell stories…the magic that happens when I am standing in front of a crowd or in front of a camera..well, it simply doesn’t compare. I am a much better speaker and host than I am a writer.

I never get nervous. I vibe off of the energy of a live audience. I connect with the camera. I come alive as if by some mystical force. I never worry about what the audience is going to think of me. Before I go on I make sure I look great and even when I make a mistake I have a way of making fun of myself and it doesn’t even bother me to look like a fool in front of a crowd. ~smile~

I remember once in a college production I was modeling and as soon as I hit the center of the stage, the music turned off. Everyone was staring at me and what did I do? I shook my thang! Did a lil twist! Smiled and waved. It was nothing to me.

I have always felt that even though I make a mistake in front of a crowd, I am Ms. Tee. I am still great. Who can deny it?

Well, on the day of the auditions my friend Michelle did a great job too. After the sports anchor auditions were over, the set manager came up to me and congralulated me on a job well done. I beamed but I wasn’t suprised. I had done television news since I was 8 years old. I hosted my first show in kindergarten. No big deal.

The weather auditions began and I stood by to watch my girl Michelle try out. At the time I didn’t know that there was a sort of hierarchy to being cast on the news team. You begin by being a weather anchor, then move on to sports or news anchor, then local cable anchor. The set manager asked me to sign up for the weather auditions and I did, just for fun.

But when my turn came I froze. For the first time in my life it seemed that there was a force beyond my control gluing me to my spot in the corner. Before I knew it there were tears in my eyes as I ran out of the studio. I stood outside in the warm night air trying to understand what had happened. My heart was beating wildly and my spirit seemed to scream at me: STAY AWAY.

I drove Michelle home in a daze.

When I got back to my apartment I sat there in silence for hours. A week or so later I went back to the studio to see if I made the cut.

I didn’t.

Michelle did. She was the new weather person.

I cried for a while after I saw the line up and I went home and indulged in some icecream. I cheered myself up by reminding myself that I had just completed a successful internship at the local radio station and I had been offered a summer internship at a newspaper in St. Augustine. I was also weeks away from starting an internship at a local television station thanks to some begging and pleading on my part.

The one thing I refused to allow myself to think about was the bulge in my belly.

I was pregnant again.

I already had one son who was barely a year old and as soon as my children’s father and I decided to try to be back together, it happened again. When we sat down to discuss it he convinced me that having another child was the worst decision I could make. “It’s like shooting yourself in the foot,” he said. “You have all of these opportunities lined up for you. Why would you jeopardize that? After you graduate we can get married and have another baby. Don’t do this to yourself.”

He was right. I had fought hard to get back into school and back on my feet. I decided to have the abortion. The only thing that stopped us was the cost of the procedure. We had to save up to get it.

Thank God for being broke. By the time we got the money I had changed my mind. He promptly broke up with me and I went on with my life.

It’s funny that I came across this picture just yesterday. I think about that day often. It was the day I chose my child over my career. I had to give up the internships. Now I see why things happened the way they did at the auditions. I had no idea why I froze that day but now I know why. I was going to keep my baby. I wouldn’t have time to be an anchor.

My heart still beats for mass media but I don’t have the experience necessary to get me in the door at most newspapers, magazines or TV stations. I still try. I still call and send out home made tapes and try to persuade editors to give me a chance. It’s tough without the background but I don’t think it’s impossible.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking during this down time. I’d love to say I feel better but I don’t. Hopefully soon though.

I’ve been considering leaving Miami.

I love living here. It’s a dream come true being in this kind of paradise but…the cost of living is too high for me to make it comfortably. Even when I was working my rent took up almost half of my salary and I don’t live in the greatest of neighborhoods, I live right next to one though.

Could this situation be the driving force that pushes me away from my beautiful city? A smaller town may give me a chance at pursuing my dream and finagling a job at a paper, magazine or TV station with limited experience.

I don’t know. All I know is…I don’t want to completely forget about the talent that I know I have. The drive that I have is unmatched however I have to be realistic because I am supporting a family on my own.

Yeah, I put my pride aside and I let my children’s father know about my situation and I asked for his help. He said because he is on a budget he can only give me the money he uses for the kids summer camp which means that I have to keep the kids home with me. He wrote a check for $280 and put it in their bag. Thanks so much.

Ughh….

I don’t want to move away from here and I have no idea how I’ll do it if I do get a job offer but sometimes situations force you to make drastic moves. My resume has been revised with a brand new Atlanta address courtesy of my friend Vicky. I’m looking there first.

Who knows…