My boys are finally asleep.
We wrestled, watched TV and cuddled for hours before I made them calm down and get some rest. Tonight was our first night together since before the summer. It feels so good to be able to be with them again in my own place, no one to ask permission or to be annoyed by us chatting late into the night. I am so grateful.
My sister and her fiance came by last night to help me to set up my room. Adam assembled my dresser and night stand for me. I appreciate him. I also appreciate being able to pay my rent up in advance due to financial aid. ~get it!~
I saw their Daddy today. He texted me asking me to take the boys to the barber shop since I planned to keep them for the night and when I showed up, he came in a half hour later.
~shakes head~
Sometimes when I see him I have to sit and stare as I ask myself what the fuck I was thinking when I was with him. He’s not an ugly dude at all, it’s just…all I can say is, my standards have raised so much since I met him.
I’m no longer interested in men who TALK about making big moves, I’m more attracted to those who have made them already. I mean, I guess holding down the same job for several years is an accomplishment when you think about how much crap you go through with any company. But to me, it’s still not enough to impress me (well, when it comes to a man).
I kinda see that as stagnant. Ok, you have held the same job for 5 years, you can follow directions, I see that. Congrats.
It just doesn’t lend the same awe and excitement of meeting someone who had a dream and they took risks to accomplish it.
THAT is what I admire.
I guess I admire my own reflection.
It’s funny but I see so many couples at BOTH of my jobs and I can see a common thread in their physical appearances and mental states. Every couple I meet just LOOKS like they belong together. The couples I meet look so much alike that I sometimes think they are related. They talk alike. They think alike. They even look like they shop at the same stores.
I guess we are all looking for ourselves in a sense.
You hear it all the time…I want someone who treats me like I treat them. But then, it’s crazy that what we have rarely matches up to what we give. We don’t have what we give because we don’t really believe we deserve what we really want. So…we hold on to what we have, hoping for it to become what we want.
It won’t.
It is what it is.
So today as I sat looking at him I asked myself, “What the fuck were you thinking? Is he really what you thought you deserved? Is this man really what you wanted? Why did you stay for so long?”
The answer is simple: Yes, he is what I thought I deserved. But that was before I was able to recognize my true value and I needed him to validate me as a person. I searched for his approval so much that when I never got it, I hated myself.
How crazy is that?
Now…that man couldn’t even feel on my booty. Funny how I had two kids with him.
Life is crazy..
The only thing I do know is…you can never be sure about anything. Everything changes in a flash and nothing you see in front of you is going to be the same a few months from now.
While you are where you are, treat people with respect and courtesy because you never know when it will be your turn to be in their shoes.