Loving Confusion

I’m full of chaotic energy right now.

It’s just after midnight and I’m feeling happy, scared, anxious and proud all at the same time. I had a great weekend at work. Met some cool people and made some money for the week. Today I got a call from DEEP and he’s like, “I wanna go to the beach today to get some salt water in my dreads.”

So we went and had a great time. We always laugh a lot when we’re together. I have to admit, I’m so used to just talking on the phone with him that when I’m in his presence I get a little nervous. Ain’t like he all that- I don’t know- I just get nervous. We walked together in a public place. I don’t do that with men. I felt so weird. It was scary. We sometimes go out to eat in public. Feels so weird.
I’m glad he doesnt read this so I can say what I really feel. I don’t get me when it comes to him. I..I like him. Feels so childish to even write that. I guess I’m thinking that I’ve “liked” a couple of people in the past 6 months and nothing happened with that so what’s the point.
I like him for different reasons though. I’m not just attracted to him physically and he’s not a conquest. I love learning from him. He’s a reader and intellectual and well known for it. 
I kinda like his vibration. At the same time it scares me. I want so badly to believe the worst like he’s using me because I can get his name in the blogs, magazines and websites or he’s using me because I’m nice. I sometimes think he’s lieing to me and I always wonder why the hell he calls me so much and why of all the women who like him, he chooses to spend time with me and takes me with him to places. I wonder how many other women he’s doing the same things with. 
So many negative thoughts all rush in at once when he doesn’t answer right away or takes too long to reply to a text. I don’t get it. I never used to be like that when it came to him. I NEVER used to even call him at all. I would just wait for him to call me. Now..I’m looking at my phone like, “Where is he?” ~rolls eyes~
We are NOT in a romantic relationship but most times it feels like we are. We never go to bed without speaking to each other and if anything positive happens, he calls me first…I think.
Tamara says that he is doing everything right because if he had acted in any other way, I would have dismissed him by now. You know..I have a habit of fucking men and throwing them away right after.
I guess I’d like to know if…if he COULD like me like a man likes a woman and not just cuz I got writing skills. Feels so dumb writing that.
Anyway…everyday I come to the conclusion that it would be best if we stopped speaking to each other. About once a week I tell him how I feel…and he ignores me or says, “I know you have fears.” I do. I would rather us stop speaking now before anyone gets hurt.
Why can’t we just be friends?
I don’t know. I don’t know. All I know is…he is definitely fulfilling the role I believe a boyfriend would fulfill in my life. I’m happy everyday when he calls. I’m so glad to see him when I do. He challenges me, makes me laugh and frustrates me kinda like a brother would. I feel us getting closer and closer (he actually joked about farting today- yuck!). When he talks about the positive things he did with his ex, its as though he’s describing OUR relationship.
I’m scared.
I don’t like becoming this intimate with a man and….waiting for him to walk away or reject me. I know he doesn’t like me back. I know he just thinks I’m cool. He’s celibate so he doesn’t try to have secks with me. He’s Vegan so he doesn’t want me to cook for him.
Maybe he just likes talking to me and spending time with me. Most people do. Why am I tripping because he’s a guy? I try not to be attached to him. I try not WANT anything more than what we have but…I do. I would like for him to be affectionate with me. He isn’t. We have only touched ONCE and that is when we fell asleep on the couch after listening to meditation audio.
On the flip side…I have this other guy in my life who says and does everything that I have always dreamt a man would say to me. Straight up. Physically I am not that attracted to him although we do have chemistry for some odd reason. I don’t know. He delights me and scares me at the same time.
Then there’s this other dude…man…
Wow..I just realized I have a pretty strong team on my hands.
The only one I want something from is DEEP. But I’m trying not to want anything. I’m trying my best. Honestly…knowing him has made me a better person. When I say we need to take a break, he says I will never stop speaking to him because we have a connection.
I want to prove him wrong…but I can’t.
I must like being confused.

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