Love Is All Around Me

I think I’m turning into a lesbian.

Or maybe I just hope so.

Why else would I be experiencing such intense feelings of fear when I am around men? I try to talk to my friends about it but they all look at me like I’m crazy and two have warned that if I become a lesbian they will not be able to continue our friendship.

I wish I was a lesbian. Then it would explain the anxiety I experience everytime a man tries to develop a relationship with me. The only thing about being a lesbian is…I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman and the so called sex is physically unsatisfying.

sooo….I don’t know. There’s been a lot going in my world. Maybe I’m just developing this anxiety because I’m really afraid no man will ever be satisfied with me. It doesn’t help that all of my friends seem to be finding true love.

Guess who is engaged now?

My homegirl Anna. Remember I have two bestfriends from highschool and both of them have gotten engaged this year.

And guess what my son told me? “Mama, daddy and [his girlfriend] are getting married. She’s going to be my new stepmommy.”

It shook me a little bit, but I was more relieved than anything. After I heard that news I wanted to talk to her. When I speak to my sons they always ask me if I want to talk to her. So when they asked me again I told them yeah but their dad shut it down saying, “She doesn’t need to speak to her.”

So yesterday I called to speak to my sons and she answered the phone.

It was my first time ever hearing her voice over the phone and it surprised me but I figured now I had my chance to get some stuff off my chest.

“Hello,” she said.

“Hello, umm…I’m looking for my Boo Boo’s.”

“They’re taking a nap right now. May I take a message?”

I laugh. Is she serious?

“Look,” I begin. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”

There’s silence on the other end of the phone so I continue.

“I know we have not had much of a chance to interact with each other and it’s probably my fault because I guess I was feeling a lot of bitterness and I was upset because of everything that went down with me and their dad and how hard it was to take care of the boys by myself. I wanna apologize for that and I wanna say that I really appreciate how well you take care of my boys. I can be up here and I don’t have to worry about my boys because I know how much their dad loves them and I know that he won’t have anyone around them who won’t treat them right. Thankyou for being so good to my boys,” I say and I can feel myself begin to cry. “I miss them so much but I know that they are being well taken care of and I want to thankyou for that.”

“Hey, you don’t have to worry about your sons. I know they miss you. They talk about you everyday and I know they can’t wait to see you.”

“You have a good day okay?”

“You too.”

I’m glad I got a chance to say that.

I don’t know what’s going on with me but I’m constantly fighting demons and any chance I get to try to make peace I will do so. So now that that’s done, I have to get over this thing with men. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t have fun when men are around. Sure, I can have casual conversation and even flirt a little bit but the minute a man wants my number or wants to hear about my past I clam up. I can’t do it. I guess I’m afraid that after getting to know me he will see what all the other men in my past have seen and decide he wants to run away.

It’s not just romantically. I feel the same fear when it comes to my friend’s fiances. Because I wasn’t there when either of them met these guys I guess it makes me nervous that maybe they will see me as a nuisance and maybe even come in between me and my homegirls. My friends are important to me. I can’t say I’m as happy as I should be because I am being selfish right now and I’m used to being the tag along with my friends and their boyfriends. I’m cool with that as long as the men are cool with me but what if they aren’t?

What if they turn out just like the rest of the men in the world? And what’s worse, what if they treat my friends like the rest of the men in the world and I have to get stupid on them?

This can’t be of God. This is fear and fear is not of God.

I don’t know what it will take for me to get over this but I’m open. I’m prayerful and I’m open to healing in this area. I don’t want to hate men. I don’t want to turn into a lesbian.

All I really want is to be happy and to see my friends happy.

God, can you hear me? I don’t want this hate/fear in my heart anymore.