It’s Not Them, It’s Me

On Thursday morning I woke up early to catch an 8am flight to Miami to visit my boys. Before I boarded the plane, I called Dell to say goodmorning and let him know that I was about to leave. Things have been going okay between us. He now answers most of my calls, or maybe I just can better gauge when it’s the best time to call him because he always seems happy to hear from me. We spend time together and I’m always a bundle of nerves. I try to remind myself to relax but for some reason I can’t. He’s a man and I expect that sooner or later he’s going to reject me, so my defense is to make it happen as soon as possible so I can breathe again.

I’m not trying to purposely push him away, I guess I’m just scared. So I run. I run away from men. But I’ll elaborate on that later.

As soon as my plane touched down in Miami and I stepped outside to be greeted by warm weather and Caribbean accents, I knew that I was back home. Marsha came to pick me up from the airport and we chatted all the way down to the rental car spot where I had reserved an Impala for the weekend. I didn’t like driving it though.

As soon as I sped away from the rental car spot, I raced up to my son’s first grade class to finally see him.

I waited in the classroom while the teacher picked them up for lunch and when I saw him run and hug me…I cried right there in front of everyone.`I cried and I hugged my baby while he packed up his school supplies.

“Mommy?” he asked matter of factly. “Do you have enough clothes for me to in Georgia so we can go?”

My heart broke.

I still don’t even have my own place in Georgia. I’m still going through growing pains at my job. I’m still unsure about a lot of things except…I miss my boys.

After I picked up my younger son we went to one of our favorite buffets and sat and talked. The best thing about my sons is they listen to me. I speak in simple terms but I don’t dumb down my vocabulary. When they don’t understand a word they stop me and ask me to explain it. After I do, they use it in a sentence and then they own the word.

My favorite place to talk to them (preach) is while we are driving. On route to South Beach for an afternoon sight seeing tour, I told my boys what was in my heart. I explained to them that Mommy is away right now, setting up things for their future and while I miss them everyday, their Daddy needs time with them too because he loves them just as much.

“We’re sharing,” I told them as they sat quietly in the backseat. Every once in a while I adjusted the mirrors to get a good look at them. “Your Daddy wants his time to live with you and love you. And Mommy needs this time to get her career together.”

“What’s a career?” my younger son asks.

“A career is more than a job and you know that all grown ups have to work to be able to live and pay for things. Some people have jobs, but some people are lucky enough to do what makes them happy and make money at the same time, that’s a career. What makes Mommy happy is working for magazines and writing and one day becoming a best selling author. Your Daddy had his time to get his career together so Mommy needs that time too. I promise you that I love you and I’m doing it all for you. Mommy’s in Georgia working. Nothing more. I wish I was here with you but I know we’ll be back together again. And I’m glad your Daddy is taking such good care of you. We’re going to be alright, boys. I just need some more time to get things going smoothly.”

They told me they understood, but did they really? They’re only 4 and 6 years old. All they know is, they miss their Mommy. I miss them too.

We had a great time hanging together everyday. I preach about success and life and they listen. We took the Duck Tour of South Beach and cruised by the multi million dollar homes on the man made islands of Biscayne Bay. When we passed Shaq’s house my sons got so excited as they caught a glimpse of the miniature statue of himself that he has on his dock.

“One day we’re gonna have a house like that,” I told my boys.

“Why?” my 4 year old asked me.

“Because Mommy expects nothing but the absolute best from life. I want us to live nicely and I’m working on that.”

On Saturday we spent the morning at the beach. They ran around and made sand cakes and played along the water’s edge while I got some sun. Ofcourse during my idle time, my thoughts turned to Dell and I called him up to say Hi. Ofcourse he was working but he took the time to take my call. I was surprised. Even more so when I arrived in Miami and I got a call from him asking if I had made it safely. He’s calling me during the day to–talk???

What?

I didn’t even know how to respond. I’m used to giving to men and not getting anything in return. In fact I give too much so much so that they don’t feel like they have to give anything to me. They don’t.

By the time I spent time with my friends Marsha, Dianna and my aunts and uncles and made sure to spend the majority of my time with my sons I was exhausted.

I hopped back on the plane on my way back to Atlanta and when I arrived I was greeted by cold weather and a $42 parking ticket because I had to leave my car at the airport while I was gone.

As I drove home I cried again. I’m back. Back to business. This feels like an extended business trip. My time here in Atlanta is nothing more. I have no source of pleasure here. It’s just me…my wonderful job that comes with so many challenges…and then I’m in the house, alone.

No smiles, no hugs. No warmth. Just work and loneliness. No kids. No guyfriend. No affection. Just me and my black and milds. The couch and my cell phone.

I am in such a need of a genuine hug it’s ridiculous. Actually, I stole one from Marsha while I was down there. I took the boys by to see her and we sat on the couch and talked for a while. I reached over and wrapped my arms around her tightly and she gave me a big hig back. She let me cry and hold her for maybe 5 minutes while she rubbed my arms and whispered that things will work themselves out.

I feel like a nomad. No home. Searching for a place that will bring a smile to my face. Searching for approval and acceptance.

I guess my search needs to begin within myself. I have conditioned myself to believe that I am unworthy of love and any chance I get will ultimately end in ruin so I simply speed up the process.

I guess I figure that if I can get a man to tell me he doesn’t like me and why then I can rest. I feel comfort in that rejection, if that makes any sense.

Cuz what would I actually do if a man decided he liked me?

I was mean to Dell this weekend and he didn’t deserve it. I even walked out on him because I felt like he was rejecting me when he really wasn’t. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I called him back to apologize and he was like, “Okay.” But I don’t think I’ll call him again. He doesn’t need to be bothered with my insecurities. I’m sure he can find a much more stable woman.

Sometimes the realization of your dreams is way more frightening than the failures you meet along the way. I dared to take notice of a wonderful man and took a risk by letting him know that I like him. Instead of playing it cool and allowing things to develop, I had to force his hand at rejecting me and ended things hurtfully.

Yeah…Good Ol Ms. Tee.

You can always count on those kind of endings…

To be continued…

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