I had a pretty interesting weekend and it’s not because I partied all weekend long.

I actually had some time to think about things even more than I usually do. I realized that sometimes I try to make things fit when they are not supposed to. I make exceptions to my standards to satisfy my needs at the time which always ends up in regret.

I realized that my first instinct is usually the right instinct and if you have to talk yourself into doing something, it’s probably not supposed to happen anyway.

I’m not trying to be ambiguous, it’s just that I can’t bear to write what’s really in my heart. I hate this feeling but for the first time, I feel like I have a secret that I can’t share. No, I’ve never cheated, rarely do I outright lie and I’m not a vindictive person, but I do struggle with making excuses to do things that I know will not benefit my relationship with God. I do these things because, well, I don’t know. Yes I do. I do these things because it feels good right now.

There are so many things about myself that I need to improve. Like, saying NO, when I need to say no. I let my friends sway my decisions and that’s not always a good thing. I’m way too sensitive and I take the negative out of any situation before the positive even crosses my mind. I actually listen to and ingest the negativity spewed by my children’s father. Why do I still listen to him? He thinks I am a loser, ok, that’s been said already. Why do I still listen and meditate on his words?

The one thing that I have noticed that really bothers me is, I don’t write for myself anymore. I’ve started to write for an audience. And that’s cool if you are blogging for comments, but it’s taking away my ability to be totally transparent. I want to write freely without worrying what someone will say.

And the hardest part is being a Christian and trying to be right but not being honest about what you feel because you have to uphold this image or it reflects poorly on Christians everywhere.

I know the perception you have in your mind- Christians are supposed to be loving, giving and perfect. You have this image, yet you can rarely find one who fits the mold so you’re skeptical about the whole organized religion thing. Well, regardless of a church or a book or a doctrine. I love God because He is who He is in my life.

The only one in my life, who forgives AND forgets. The only one who watches me mess up and still loves me anyway. I turn my back on Him and He’s always there, waiting for me, reminding me that He still loves me and always will.

I think being a Christian is about realizing that you do need help. Those of us who love God, are really weak in some areas but we find our strength in Him.

Judge less, love more. Forgive.

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