Butterflies

My nerves have gotten to me.

Yeah I’m nervous about moving out. I know my job is secure enough and I have done my budget a million different times and I can do this, but, whoooo, this is about to be some serious bills.

I think my problem is the fact that I compare my situation to others so much. I saw my cousin today and I almost choked up thinking, “Damn, she has no idea how lucky she is to have TWO INCOMES in her family.” She never worries about money. She’s living quite nice, in low income housing and extra government programs helping to pay for her kids education. Food stamps, the WORKS! Damn.

I worked myself up quite a bit after I bought two candy bars from her daughter and hopped into my car. I was almost in tears by the time I reached home.

Why can’t I have someone to help me with my bills? Why didn’t their daddy stay so that we could be a family? What’s so wrong with me that no one wants to be a family with me and my sons? Why must I do this by myself?

I choked my pain up and got my boys ready for bed. Then I sat down and allowed myself to vent.

Then it hit me.

First of all, I don’t NEED a second income. I am blessed to be able to afford to take care of my sons all by myself. Anything extra would just be disposable income or extra savings.

Most people can’t say that. Most people NEED the help, that’s why they have it. If I can do this on my own then why am I sitting here wishing I had more? That’s being greedy.

Secondly, the mere fact that I am able to provide for my family without the help of a man gives me the option of not having to put up with a man simply because the light bill is due. Too many women stay in relationships that they are not happy with because to seperate would mean a financial hardship for them both.

Last, but not least, if at any point a man does come into my life and somehow, (LOL!) magically, things worked out (LOL!) I would be much more appreciative of his contribution. I figure, if you’ve been taking out the garbage yourself for years and someone else comes and does it, even though it seems small, it’s a big deal to you.

Yeah, I’m talking to myself and I feel a lot better.

I can do this.

We can do this. We’ve done it before on amuch smaller budget.

God has already provided for me and He will continue to provide.

My boys and I will be fine.