Breaking Out of My Shell

He hasn’t called me back.

LOL!

Well ofcourse I didn’t expect him to but I promise with the next man I meet I won’t be so harsh. ~smile~

Last night I went to Tamara’s house to kick it with her fiance and his family and finally learn how to play spades. Since everyone seems to play why not join, it’s can’t hurt me. ~shrugs~

Tamara took her time teaching me the rules and what to look for and then she made the mistake of inviting the tenderoni Byron and her fiance AJ to play with us.

Why did these fools commence to acting like pure idiots throughout the game?!! LOL! They were shit talking and even BARKING at me throughout the whole game. They scared the hell out of me! LOL!

I’m not a shit talker. I don’t know how to make fun of people (unless we’re really close) and I was actually very intimidated by the situation. I’m beginning to recognize to what depths my social skills have plummeted.

I’m a homegirl by nature. Even when I was a little girl, I never went outside. I never got to know any of the drug dealers on my block or hung out with any of the chicks from round the way. I became a lot more social when I went away to college and it took little to no effort because I always involved myself in activities that I was passionate about. When you seek out these activities you’ll automatically meet people who are passionate about the same things and you won’t have to search for a common ground. Or you can just start smoking weed and you’ll always have friends no matter where you go.

But then I got a boyfriend and I allowed his perception of me to become more important than my perception of myself and I shrank into this pitiful mess of a woman who didn’t even want to go out anymore. Having my children early didn’t help either. My warped mind told me that I had to be devoted to them and my fun time was over.

Then I discovered the internet and that became my social outlet. I must admit it’s been years and years of fun times, lots of internet boyfriends and plenty of online drama. But anyone with any sense knows that the internet world is not real. Your whole social life can’t revolve around a computer. These people you meet are creating images for themselves online. They are creating personalities that they WISH they had in person.

Yeah, it’s fun but…you have to log off sometime. You are going to have to interact with people face to face sometime. And I’m just becoming more aware of that. So I’m challenging myself to participate in more social activities. I’m REALLY challenging myself to be around men and not expect them to try to hurt me.

I’m workin on it.

I am.

And the cool thing is, through Tamara’s fiance AJ, I’m learning that there are men out there who can love a woman and be affectionate and try to give you the world.

AJ said to me one night when we were both out on his patio relaxing, “Being with Tam is like having everything going great in your life and then you look down and find a $100 bill on the ground. You feel so damn lucky! I feel like that everyday I wake up next to her. There ain’t too many men who will find a woman like her and I know that so I had to lock her down.”

I was like, “Is he serious?”

I’ll admit I was a bit taken back by that statement. But each time I’m around them I can see that he’s genuine. I can see that he goes above and beyond to make sure that she is taken care of and he really does love her. He’s a man and he’s not abusing her or using her. Who would have thunk it?

Damn…being here has exposed me to so many great people. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

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