Author: TPatterson

A Bright Day

These days my heart has been all mushy and gushy and I’m just emptying out all the dumb stuff, being honest with myself and making room for the good.

Today I was reading Mommie2Be and she really got me thinking about death and how I’m living my life right now.

In no way am I ready to die. I’d love to see my sons grow up and be great men of God and have children and have them all adore me. I’d also love to see my little sister grow into an even more wonderful woman. I’d love to see my friends get married and enjoy successful careers and I’d love to see my Mama win the lottery after so many years of trying.

But if I never saw any of that and I happened to die tomorrow I can honestly say that I would die happily.

I am so happy right now. For real. It’s like a supernatural high. Like a deep seeded peace that resonates from deep within. I have so much love surrounding me. My sons, wow, they love me so much. I can’t EVER, EVER imagine being loved more than they love me. I finally love the way I look. Yep, even with my little pouch on my belly- still sexxy!

I am just so completely satisfied right now. Like, I have money. I have my sons. I have my health and I have my family. Yeah, I dream and I wish and I hope but all that is inconsequential to the real desire in most people’s hearts, that feeling of being satisfied with yourself. And that I am.

I am.

I am okay with me.

I am free to be me.

Lovely.

Silly.

Crazy.

Amazing.

Contemplating.

Constantly waiting.

Praying.

Saying.

Smiling.

Wildin.

Profilin.

And recognizin…

How truly, truly, blessed I am.

May I always remember this light in my heart just the way it is burning right now- for this light will drown out the darkness on the rough days, if I can just remember…

I’m ALIVE!

And I’m kicking, just kicking it at work. Preparing for our big party next week, tieing up the loose ends. I still haven’t found a thing to wear. It’s a cocktail party, but it’s outside. It’s on STAR ISLAND ya’ll! Oh my gosh! Yes, I mean STAR ISLAND where P. Diddy lives, and all those celebrities.

Is it wrong for me to be really amped about meeting her? Man, it would be great if I could just arrange ONE lunch meeting. I don’t want charity, I don’t want pity, I just want to learn from her and have her be my mentor. I hope she’s nice. If not, at least I’ll get to meet her husband.

So this week has been so crazy, but in a good way. I had a wonderful Easter weekend. My sons and I hung out in full force. I took them to THE FAIR.

Take your family. Go with your friends. The good times… The FUN never ends! Be there. The Fair. It’s All There. The FAIR, BE THERE!

I hadn’t been to the Dade County Youth Fair since I graduated highschool in 97. Yeah, it’s been a minute. Damn. I’m old.

So being at the Fair brought to surface a lot of different emotions.

Amazement
I’m old. The first night I went I took my boys and spent the entire night in the kiddie section making sure they experienced everything and ate everything they wanted. I really felt like a Mama while buying them pizza, getting their faces painted and waving at them as they went on rides. Well, as my OLDER son went on rides. My 2 year old wasn’t having anything but a face full of food!

Loneliness
Being in the kiddie section with so many other families which include BOTH parents reminded me that my sons and I don’t have that. Am I the only chick who looks at families, especially the chick and thinks, “Damn, she’s not half as tight as I am. Why in the hell is she married with a family and my baby daddy thinks I’m scum? I really don’t get that.” It was wild seeing them all together, Mommy, Daddy and weird looking kids. All laughing and smiling and the high fiving each other in glee. LOL! I rolled my eyes several times as I tugged on my sons in between rides.

Pride
Since the Fair is an annual event everyone goes at least ONCE. And believe me, THE FAIR is not a small fair. It’s HUGE! With billions of ppl, man im exaggerating but you get the picture. After all this is MIAMI, and this is the Dade County Fair- so theres a jillion ppl that attend. Oh ok, back to my point. Since there were so many people at the fair, I ran into old classmates from highschool.

~smirking~

A sister looks a whole lot better than she did in highschool. Hmmm. well, at least I look mature and can say that I did some positive things like finishing college, starting a career and I have cute sons. It was great to be me that night!

Frustration
Why does my son torment me? my 2 year old is gonna be auctioned on Ebay someday really soon. That boy! Whoa! He needs to calm down. He needs to realize that this is not HIS WORLD. Sometimes I wonder if I’m spoiling him but I don’t know how else to be with him. I discipline him, but I love on him more, because I’m loving I can’t help that. Having a man around would bring a balance, but we don’t have that so I’m just going off of what is in my heart to do.

Accomplishment
I actually drove all the way to South Miami and back, on the EXPRESSWAY! I get two gold stars for that! Usually when I know I have to drive long distances, I draft someone else to drive so I can just sit back and relax. And boy, it takes 45 minutes to get to South Miami from where I live so you know a sister was gripping the steering wheel and looking hard! My sons were surprisingly quiet on the trip as if they just KNEW their Mama was concentrating and needed to focus. Thanks boys!

So much more has happened but I can’t give it all away in one night.

Stay tuned for more stories. Especially since my bestfriend Tamara is coming to celebrate her 26th birthday this Friday!

Ain’t nothing like having your friends around…

Caught Up

I never thought it would go down like this.

I mean, I am on my way to being where I want to be and now this.

I must confess. I wasn’t totally truthful in my story about my date with The Attorney. If you read in between the lines you may notice that we uh, were getting to be quite close.

I didn’t want to write about that because I was ashamed because of how it all ended.

Yes, we did it. I gave him some. It was nice and exactly what I needed. He was gentle and rough at all the right times. I had waited so long to be held and touched that I couldn’t help but to give in to him. Besides, I wanted it just as badly.

We haven’t spoken since the whole thing with his girl calling me. He hasn’t called to face me or thank me for the gift I sent him. I haven’t felt too badly about it because when things go too well, I kinda suspect that it’s fake. So, finding out he had a girl was a sigh of relief, if that makes any sense at all.

Today I looked at the calendar and sighed. I’m late.

My period is a week late.

My period is never late.

What the hell am I going to do?

Damn….

April Fool!

Wow! I didn’t know I would fool so many of you.

Come on! Most people who know me know that it’s been a LONG TIME since I’ve gotten some.

Shoot, in hindsight, I should have gotten some when I had the chance. ~raises eyebrow and crosses legs~

A sista kinda, froggy ova here. Ribbittt! LOL!

I just thought it would be funny and dramatic. I promise not to do that again.

Go play some jokes on your friends just like I did!

Beautiful Weekend

Sorry for the delay but tonight’s event has taken up all of my time. I am so tired when I get home that I can barely think straight. But I’ve been working on this story about last weekend and I finally finished it. Enjoy! And wish me luck tonight as I enjoy my first cocktail party on Star Island.

I had a beautiful weekend. Well, besides the fact that I was sick for two days and slept both Saturday and Sunday away, I still had fun.

What made my weekend so special was the fact that my bestfriend Tamara came into town and we celebrated her 26th birthday. This chick is the kinda friend that the mere anticipation of being with them is a joy all in itself.

I love my friends. They are so special and I feel special being around them. ~weeping~ I’m emotional. LOL!

So Tamara calls me at my office while she’s on the road to Miami and we tell each other about the April Fool’s jokes that we are playing on people and people are playing on us. April 1st is also her birthday.

“My baby daddy got me,” she says. “He called me asking about our daughter and our trip down. I tell him that she’s fine. He says he has something to tell me. That I need to go get checked. I’m like, why? He pauses and says, Cuz I got something. I asked him, What you got? He said… I got HIV nigga! April Fool!”

I’m rolling! His doofy behind.

So Tamara had already mentioned to me that she wanted to go to Club Bed to celebrate her birthday. I rolled my eyes and ignored her hoping she’d change her mind. I’m getting so tired of South Beach and that crowd.

But at 10:00 pm I was dressed and looking delicious. Before I step out the door I call her and ask if she’s ready. You know I want to be there as soon as the doors open so we won’t have to wait in line. Ugh…she’s not ready. “I just finished my hair, Tee. I’m sorry. You can come over and chill. Paula’s on her way.”

Not! “Dude, call me when you’re ready. I’m taking off my clothes.”

I take off my clothes and put on a t-shirt and log on to catch up on some blogs and chat. I’m really enjoying myself and I cringe when my phone rings and I see it’s Tamara. “Hey girl, why aren’t you here yet? Paula’s already here.” “I’ll be there in a minute,” I tell her and finish up my IM conversation.

I get dressed again and I’m already annoyed because I know we’re gonna have to wait in line at Club Bed and I am not looking forward to that. I cruise to her place, hop in her truck and we all cruise to South Beach, park and stroll the 6 blocks to Club Bed.

When we approach we can see a crowd of about 50 people had already gathered in the front. It’s not a line, it’s a crowd. Now if you remember, the last time I went there I was there as soon as the door opened so I just walked in… not this time.

Now I had heard about how exclusive this place was but I never dreamt how I would feel standing out on the sidewalk hoping that this bouncer would choose me to get in. And the worst part is, as you’re standing there behind the velvet rope, watching all the cool people waltz right in, you are staring at this huge mirror and looking at yourself as if the mirror is there to remind you just WHY you are in line and not in the club.

Can you believe we stood there in line for an hour and a half? Yep! And don’t think we’re ugly chicks. No one in our crew is ugly by a long shot. In fact, I was probably the least attractive person in our little group. I guess we just weren’t South Beach enough.

I was ready to go. Tamara was determined to get in. I was pissed. There are a million other clubs on the same street but no, Tamara wanted to go to THIS one. I walked away from the line and stood by the street watching the parade of cars cruise by and wondering just who was inside the stretch limos and hummers.

I remembered the last time I had been to South Beach, just two weeks before. Tamara came down for her friend Mischa’s birthday and I went out with her to meet them. Mischa is cool with me too. We went to this club called The State, where Russell Simmons was throwing a party. It was my first celebrity party and I didn’t recognize a damn person. While we were waiting for a friend of Ruby’s to meet us, we looked into the VIP line and we all looked really hard, then looked at each other. That chick looks JUST like Solange. That IS Solange! When we walked in she was standing there on her cell phone and a few minutes later she came walking in with her husband. Some guy named DJ Clue was on the turntables. Some guy named JButton or JBuddah was there. He sings Pump it Up. I had no idea who the hell he was but my friends were trying to point him out to me. They said Redman was there. We saw Noriega outside the club. I didn’t recognize him either. So, who knows who else was in that place. They were all just a bunch of men in jerseys to me.

Back to reality~ Anyway, so we’re still standing outside of Club Bed and I’m reminiscing and I’m hoping for a celebrity that I can recognize, like LL ~drool~. When Tamara comes up to me and says her friend is on his way and he will get us in with him.

The guy shows up and I’m like, hey. Not used to being around NFL players but Tamara is. He actually gets us into the club in about five minutes and we can finally enjoy the evening.

We had so much fun! I’m glad we didn’t go home. Shots all around; Tequila for me. Crown for Tamara and Vodka for Paula. We raise our shot glasses and scream: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And 3 gulps later we’re slamming our glasses on the bar.

Let’s dance!

Before we even find a spot on the dance floor Tamara points out a guy she thinks is fine. She knows how I work. I walk up to the guy and whisper in his ear, “Hey, it’s my friend’s birthday. She’s 26. Will you give her a hug and wish her a happy birthday?”

He looks at Tamara and smiles, “Ofcourse.”

He walks over and give her a big bear hug and I’m standing there melting. Dude is soo fine! Imagine that the FINEST man in the place walks up to you and gives you a slow, sweet hug. I thought I would faint.

When he walked away Tamara came over to me and screamed and shook me. “Damn dawg,” she said. “That was the BEST birthday present EVER!”

All I could do was agree. I was feeling her for real. “Just remember my birthday is July 2nd.” I told her.

For the rest of the night we danced and had an excellent time and any man that I saw who I thought was fine, I would send him over to give Tamara a hug.

After a few hours I was tired so I found a spot on a bed so I could lie down as Tamara said goodbye to her friends. We finally walked out and found a pizza place and as they got some pizza we ran into Tamara’s highschool sweetheart, the adorable Kent.

Oooh, He has a girlfriend. Why is he down here looking for Tamara? ~grins~
That man is still in love. LOL! Errybody loves Tamara. We’re sitting up there outside the pizza place and men are trying to holla at Tamara and this GIRL walks up to Tamara and gives her a rose, telling her, “You are so hot.”

I’m cracking up! Tamara is not the least bit gay or bi-curious in fact she’s totally against the lifestyle so this was a funny exchange.

We’re hanging with her ex and his friends while we’re sitting outside the parlor in lounge chairs and running into people we haven’t seen in years. Chicks from highschool, guys from college. Other guys come by to mess with us and try to holla. You know how it goes. There is this one guy who came out of the pizza place to sweep up but he ended up being our entertainment for the evening.

There he was standing with his broom when he sees a hat that sorta looked like a crown that someone made out of palm tree leaves. It was just sitting in a chair. He picks up the crown and asks, “Who was out here? Jesus?”

We’re LAUGHING and LAUGING! My cheeks hurt from laughing at him and the rest of the guys who decide to hang with us. There are some comedians on South Beach. One guy said for Tamara’s birthday, he would give her some head. “They call me Pac Man! I eat it up!”

I’m rolling! LMAO! And they don’t stop.

At one point me and one guy are having a contest to see who can speak the most Spanish. The Spanish people nearby are cracking up as we stand in each other’s face stringing together all of the Spanish words that we can remember in an attempt to make a sentence.

I’m reciting old Spanish poems that I had to learn in highschool. I’m taking it wayyyy back to, “Donde esta la biblioteca CHICO!”

And we’re grilling each other like we’re about to fight. LMAO!

Those guys walk us part way to our garage with Tamara and Paula cursing them out the entire time trying to get them to leave us alone. I thought they were funny.

Ofcourse we go into the parking garage and we get lost. The entire time I’m telling them that this is the WRONG garage and they keep telling me that I’m drunk and I don’t know what I’m talking about. Yes, I do! Cuz I remembered that we had parked in the SAME garage that Sylvia and I parked in when we were stuck on South Beach. They wouldn’t listen to me (and I was RIGHT) and we ended up leaving the garage after 5:30 and had to pay an extra fee.

Man, by the time we head back to North Miami I am so tired. We pull up in front of Tamara’s house and I can’t believe my eyes.

“Tamara,” I say with a puzzled look on my face. “Why is the sky light blue?” I am so confused.

“Girl, it’s light blue because the sun came up.”

Damnnnn.

“Yeah,” she says as she puts her car in park. “Now that’s what you call hanging out.”

I blink and jump out of the truck and hop into my car.

Later chick.

I really love my friend. I hope she moves to Miami soon.

The Party

We spent the entire day Wednesday loading our supplies into our cars and making last minute arrangements. We all came to work dressed in shorts and t-shirts. If you saw the look on people’s faces as we passed you would have cracked up.

“Looks like Development is going to the gym today…” someone remarked.

I thought it was funny. The crazy thing is, I didn’t care. I actually came to work with NO MAKEUP and only a pair of small silver hoops in my ears. I looked like ughh. But oh well. Only Ms. Tee can be bummy and still fly.

We had spent the previous two days putting ribbons on the personalized wine bottles and painstakingly cutting out small pictures to place inside of our mahogany box picture frames that were a part of our gift bags.

After everything was loaded into the SUV, we all climbed in and rode to Star Island. Since the other women in Development were older and had been in this environment before, they told me stories of all the people they had visited on Star Island and nearby Fisher Island, the most expensive property in Miami. According to them, the only way to get onto Fisher Island is to ride in a ferry, while the other islands have a bridge. That is why Fisher Island is so exclusive.

I was so excited as we drove over the bridge to Star Island. The entrance to Star Island is on the way to South Beach, so I had passed by there so many times but never thought I’d get the chance to go inside. There is a guard at the entrance and he only allows invited guests onto the island to ensure privacy for its residents.

We got past the gate and made a left. See, Star Island is small. Like maybe a mile or so long. And its just one oval street with houses lined all around and a park in the middle. But the houses, OH MY GOSH! I thought I was watching CRIBS. On the real, they were magnificent. Multi-million dollar homes with lavish landscapes straight outta HGTV. For real I thought I was on HGTV as we drove through the gated entrance to the house where our party was being held and up the driveway.

With just my little design knowledge I could tell that they had employed a spectacular landscaper to design their entry way with various plants and trees. And ofcourse, parked right out front was a Porsche.

You know I’m ghetto and I ain’t care. I whipped out my camera phone and began taking pictures. LOL! Sorry, I’m not gonna post them because I don’t think it’s ethical to post pictures of someone’s private home.

We didn’t waste any time as we set up the entrance with flags from our school and a registration table. We put together the gift bags and lined them up against the wall. We walked through the house and my eyes popped. Every little decorating detail was attended to. I mean down to the precise arrangement of books on the table with a rose lieing on top of them. Damn…

The backyard was immaculate with a view of Miami Beach. The yacht was anchored on their private pier and their pool and jacuzzi were spotless. I’m thinking, damn, this lady does not work and she has a full staff maintaining her home. I mean, maintenance men, cooks, nanny for the kids, valet drivers and all.

I’m thinking damn, all this chick did was get married and she has all this.

We finish unloading all of the liquor and beer and head back to Miami to get dressed. I was so nervous about my outfit, which I bought from Express. It was a pink sleevless wraparound sweater top with a pair of precise pin striped knickers and very high creme colored strappy heels from Bakers. I also found these earrings that were perfect; creme shells and silver circles that dangled past my chin and a shell bracelet that went well with it.

I looked a little sexy, but not too much. Since this was my first party I had no idea what was appropriate but I just figured that as long as I looked good, it didn’t matter. After I got dressed I went to my co-workers house and I was so relieved they were wearing the same style of dress I was. In fact, one woman was wearing a creme summer dress and another was wearing a pink pants set. My exact colors! LOL!

We rode back over to Star Island and watched as the caterers cooked the food on the side of the house. We sipped white wine while we waited for our guests to arrive. As the time for the party drew near, the servers came and stood near the walk way with their white coats and silver trays of champagne to greet the guests.

There was a buzz going around that HE was sick. The rumors were true. We got a call from his assistant telling us that he could not make it. Everyone was dissappointed. Especially me. You know I wanted to meet his wife.

But still the party was a success. The food was excellent! The guests had a great time and we really showed our appreciation to our high end donors. They left feeling honored. That is exactly what we wanted.

Our next party is in two weeks. Same thing: cocktails, food and chit chat.

~grins~ That’s my job.

I’m NOT a boy

Yesterday I took my sons to the buffet and while we were in the potty a woman walked in, looked at me and backed out the door looking embarrassed. Then she looked at the sign on the door that read LADIES and looked back at me and walked in.

I was a bit amused. I asked her, “Did you think I was a man?”

Later my sister, my sons and I were walking into Target when I heard my sister say, “Ohh, look at that.” She was looking into the TV screens that record people as they walk in. She looked behind us as we continued walking. Then she looked up again. Then she stopped and looked around.

I didn’t know what she was looking at until she burst out laughing. “Girl!” she said. “I saw you in the monitor and I thought you was a FINE boy! I was sweating you! I was wondering why I didn’t see the boy behind us. That was YOU! And you know I like’em red.” She couldn’t stop laughing.

I laughed a little too.

A little.

Yeah, I’m a fine red boy. ~rolls eyes~

With this haircut, you never know what reaction you’re gonna get. But I love it anyway…

What About YOUR friends?

Remember that song by TLC? Got me humming all day as I think about how fragile female friendships are and how easily we give up on each other over our silly pride.

You have to admit that as we get older certain things about certain people just don’t sit right with us. We become a bit more judgemental and less tolerant. But even if our friendships are changing it doesn’t mean we should just throw them away.

Case in point: My bestfriend Anna. Ever since I met this chick I knew that we would bump heads. We’re both too strong willed. And neither of us wanted to give. I was a goody two shoes and she was the one who broke all the rules. But for some reason, we gelled and spent a good amount of our friendship fighting while still loving each other.

As we got older, I’m not even going to lie. We grew apart. We changed through different experiences. We do not enjoy doing the same things, hanging around the same people or have the same ideals about what success means. But even through all of those differences, one thing remains the same after more than 10 years. It’s simple, we love each other.

And our love was tested once again just last week. I called Anna up with a heavy heart. LOL! I’m always calling someone with a heavy heart. LMAO! I’m so emotional.

“Dawg, I need to talk.” I say and she tells me to hold on while she goes into her break room at work.
“What’s up homie?”
“Dawg. Remember that time you were at my house in Gainesville and you said X-Y-Z?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, that really hurt my feelings and I’ve been mad at you this whole time and I have resented you like a mutha and I am still upset that you would try me like that! You ain’t perfect yourself and I’ll never forget how you ruined my event with yo big mouth.”
“WHAT?! That was over a year and a half ago! Man, lemme call you back!”

She hangs up.

My heart is all jittery but there’s an underlying peace. I know she’s mad at me. I know she probably shouldn’t speak to me for a minute. See, I know I shouldn’t do that. You know, hold stuff in and let it build up but I do and then I have to release it and I’m all pissed and I get my girl all pissed and she’s EXTRA mad because it’s some old drama that could have been handled a long time ago, but NO Ms. DRAMATIC TEE has to draw it all out. ~sigh~ I am difficult.

I waited so long to tell her that she hurt me and I held onto so much anger that it prevented me from sharing certain joyful things with her. I was limiting our relationship because I was holding onto bitterness. And now it was time to release and see what happens.

I wait for her to call me back. An hour goes by. Then two. Then my phone rings and it’s her. She’s calm now.

“Look, forget about it. It was my opinion and just like I’m not going to let your opinion ruin my life, you shouldn’t let mine.”

Silence.

Laughter.

“I knew you was gonna call me back.” I tell her.
“You get on my damn nerves. I don’t know why I let you get under my skin like I do.”
“Cuz you LOVVVE me!”
“Shut up.”

I guess I’m saying all this to say. Shit is not that deep to let a friendship go. Any friendship worth having is worth saving. Let that pride go. Tell that friend how she hurt you and if they are really your friend they will talk it through. Most times it is just a misunderstanding.

Real friends don’t just up and walk away. Real friends cry, curse or even box it out until it’s all better. Friendships are made stronger through the rough moments. That’s what makes friendships last. Don’t just run away. Face your friend. Tell her how you feel. Be honest. And deal with it. We’re not kids anymore. Just like you will fight, rationalize and make excuses to keep that MAN, you should put the same effort into those women who love you.

Every good woman needs a good female friend.

I miss Him

I miss the intimacy. I miss the cuddles and the joy and the smiles. I miss the security of knowing I was living everyday to please Him.

Lately my heart has been missing His Word, His eternal hope and His love. I know He still loves me. I know He does.

I just want more of Him. And I want it now, when things are going well. I don’t want to wait until my next struggle. I think maybe that’s why I am yearning for Him so much. Right now I’m happy, I’m letting go of a lot of hurt in my past and I’m extremely hopeful. I want Him to share in that. I want Him to know I’m grateful for where I am. I want Him to know that I’m still here and I still love Him and I still want to be used and I still want my life to give Him the glory.

And I try to pray. I do, but I feel like maybe I don’t deserve to be listened to. But I know better. I know He feels my heart and loves me and wants me to be His baby again.

I have not completely gone astray. I believe once you taste His power and His love, you will always hunger for it. And I do.

I want Him. I miss Him. With everything in me, I want to know that He is proud of me.

What kind of Asshole Are You?

My phone rings yesterday and it’s my brother Randall.

“What’s up dude?”
“Hey Sis, I have someone here that I want you to talk to.”
“OK.”

The phone changes hands.

“Hello.” a funny sounding voice says.
“Hey..” I respond waiting for the man to introduce himself.
“Yeah, How you doing? Your brother has told me a lot about you.”
“Aww man. Are you serious? Is he trying to hook us up?” I roll my eyes.
“Naw, I asked about you after seeing you at the shop. (My brother has a barber shop and I go there every other week to get my hair cut and get cuts for my boys too.)
“So you saw me at The Shop and you asked Randall for my number.”
“Yeah I asked about you and he said he’d call you for me.”
“Mmm, hmm. Let me speak to Randall please.”

Randall gets the phone. I can tell he’s at The Shop now, I can hear men’s voices in the background.

“Dude, do you think I’m desperate? I DON’T WANT YOU TO TRY TO HOOK ME UP with your friends. Damn!”
“Hold up. Everytime dude comes through he asks about you. I’m your brother I wouldn’t put you down with any random punk ass nigga. WHat you think? Damn. Just talk to the nigga. Or don’t. Damn.”
“You get on my nerves sometimes. I told you I’m straight.”
“No you didn’t. Can I give him your number? He’s cool man.”
“Whatever. yeah.”

The Dude calls me that same night around 10:30 amd proceeds to run his game. I’m in the middle of writing last night’s post and am kinda annoyed that he ruined an emotional moment for me.

He’s all, “I’m a good man. I am honest. I am the kinda man that takes care of his woman. I have my own business. I’m ambitious. I don’t jump in and out of relationships. The Lord told me that my next relationship is going to be with my wife.”

While he’s talking I’m thinking, “Heard it all before!” In fact, I’m remembering how the ATTORNEY ran all this game to me and I actually believed his ass. I’m sitting there with the phone half way to my ear with a smirk on my face like, YEAH RIGHT. I’m asking myself, “Do I feel like seeing what kind of asshole this man is gonna be?” I’m yawing and shrugging my shoulders as he asks me questions. I’m usually a motormouth but I don’t feel like wasting my breath explaing myself to some man who is gonna end up being just like THE ATTORNEY, a liar. Blah, blah, blah… Is he still talking? Damn, is this an interview?

“Can we meet for lunch tomorrow?” he asks. “I don’t want to keep calling you and you don’t know who I am.”
“Yeah. Sure. Meet me at Picaddily’s at 12:30.” Who turns down free food?

On the way over there, I’m already rolling my eyes because as long as I have been going to get my hair cut at my brother’s shop, NOT ONE man that I have ever seen there has appealed to me. And he said that I saw him before. They all check me out and some ACT LIKE they want to holla but they don’t. And I don’t want them to. Once a guy followed me outside and after I buckled my sons into their car seats and turned around to face him, he bent down acting like he was tieing his shoe. Scaredy cats.

So I pull into the parking lot at Picaddily’s today at12:45 as my phone rings. It’s him.
“Hey. Are you here yet?”
“Yeah,” I answer and roll my eyes. What kind of asshole will HE BE?
“Ok, I’m inside already.”
“Well come out. I don’t know what you look like.”
“I’m walking out right now.”

He walks out and I’m like, ~yawn~ He looks like a short, chubby, broke Jay-Z.

I smile radiantly anyway and give him a fake hug. We walk in, eat and are done in 20 minutes. He tells me that ever since he saw me he had me on his mind. He thinks I’m beautiful. He would love to see me on a regular basis. I’m sitting there like, WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE WILL YOU BE?

I’m so non chalant and so not into what he’s talking about.

He asks me, “Well, am I the kind of man you could see yourself being with?”

Huh?

I pause for like, 5 seconds and stare at him. “Listen, we only met yesterday.”

“No,” he says and laughs. “I mean physically. Do you think I’m attractive? Because I sure think you are georgeous.”

“You’re straight.” I tell him and look away.

I must admit I’m being very hard on him. He’s pretty nice. In fact, he’s a sweetie. Kinda funny. And even more funny looking. And I’m thinking to myself, “Why all the sweet guys gotta look like Jermaine Dupree? Why can’t I meet a man that I am attracted to and is also a good man?”

I am so tired of giving these funny looking dudes a chance. They don’t do anything but act like an ass and I’m EXTRA pissed because I gave him a chance and he STILL tried me when he KNOW HE AIN’T CUTE! That pisses me off.

But then I remember how much I thought my baby daddy was ugly when I met him and even after all the drama to this day I still find him attractive. Funny how getting to know someone will change the way they look.

But then I get pissed as I’m looking at him cuz I’m wondering if this is my fate. Not him specifically, but this scenerio. Me sitting across from some man that I am not remotely attracted to, just because he is nice to me and adores me. Is this what I have to look forward to? Is this what love is about? You settle for someone who adores you but you have lukewarm feelings for?

Then I get more pissed as he tells me about his family. I’m sitting there with this fake smile on my face. I’m getting pissed because I don’t want to have kids with someone I don’t even want to look at! I don’t wanna be bound to him just because he’s nice and sweet and breaks bread! I’d rather be alone dammit! I’d rather be by myself than to settle for Plan B.

That’s why I am going to make my money ON MY OWN. I don’t need some man to come make up for the blank hole in my family. It’s gonna be rough but my sons will be well taken care of by MOMMY! I’m not gonna just lay up with some man so that I can be able to afford a car note or a bigger house. Fuck it! I’m gonna do this shit by myself! I don’t want to settle for a handout or just because I want my booty rubbed.

My boys give me all the love I need. I don’t ever want to be fooled again. To be played again. To sit there and compromise what I know I want only to be jerked around in the end.

Right now it’s time to FOCUS. To make money and establish myself for my family. It’s all about moving forward in my career and being the best MOMMY I can be. All that love shit. Man, it can come later on, when things are going smoothly for my boys and I.

When they are older and more self sufficient. Right now, I don’t have time for the extra drama or the failed relationships. Right now all I have time for is learning as much as I can about Development so that I can advance and finishing my novel.

Right now it’s time to put my physical and romantic desires on the shelf and go after those things I can actually do something about.

I realize all of this while he’s talking to me and he stops talking and we walk out together.

He gives me a hug and tells me what a treat it was to be with me.

“I hope to hear from you soon.” I lie.
“Soon? You’ll hear from me tonight.” He says and smiles brightly.
“Mmmm, hmmm.” I say and walk to my car.

I really don’t have time to figure out what kind of asshole you will be. I have too much to do right now. I’m moving in two weeks.