Month: October 2008

I’ve been thinking about how much I love my life, actually.

I’m starting to be one of those goofy people who smiles all the time. People look at me funny and ask, “Why are you so happy?”

Why not?

The place I am in right now in life is exactly where I choose to be. I’m not forced to be with someone I don’t like. I’m not in a place where I am unhappy with my choices and I am not surrounded by people I don’t trust.

Believe it or not, I am grateful that my sons are with their Dad for this season. Think about it, I’ve struggled but my sons have never known a hungry day in their life. Also, to be honest, their Dad brings something to their life that I could never bring. He truly loves them and I can see that. They are better because they have been with him.

I do believe one day they will return to my car, just in time for them to learn the next lessons in life. I taught them how to walk, how to talk, how to eat, how to go to the bathroom and how to show love. He taught them discipline in school and life. He taught them how to have fun and how to believe in themselves. I back him up all day with gratitude because regardless of the fact that my son says, “Daddy said he can’t be around you,” as co parents I think we are doing a great job.

I am so grateful for where I am and who I am right now. I remember The Prez told me that I need to develop patience and I was like, “whatever.” but now I see his point. I used to be so in a rush to get where I KNOW I’m going. I could see my impending success and I would get depressed because it hadn’t come yet. Now, I focus more on the journey and enjoy everyday. I see the pieces of the puzzle coming together and I am appreciative as I watch my success unfold.

What’s weird to me is the fact that I do crave companionship from time to time but subconciously I must not want it. I meet men all the time and I immediately decide that I don’t like them and dismiss them as possible friends.

My mind says I’m doing the right thing. I am so particular about the people that I have around me. I can and will not get caught up with some man who I know I won’t be satisfied with in the long run. I never want to be that chick complaining about a man that I am not obligated to be with.

If it’s not what you really want, then why do you stay?

I can only speak from a young person’s stand point since my last relationship was when I was in my early 20’s but I think I stayed in that relationship because my BBDD was what I wanted, I just didn’t know I deserved more.

I think we all believe and know that no one is perfect, so we tend to hold on to what we have hoping it will turn into what we really want.

I don’t see myself doing that with anyone else. I’ve learned my lesson and I’m really not unhappy or stressed because I don’t have someone. Honestly, I think I’m afraid of all that relationship stuff. When people offer to hook me up, my mouth gets dry and I start to stutter. I decline with some random excuse or another but in my heart I’m thinking, “He probably won’t be what I really want.”

Ahh…

My expectations may be a bit much but I’m hoping for a creative soul who is extremely successful and well connected. I’m expecting him to be handsome, yet nerdy and a bit goofy. I’m expecting him to be accomplished and a man of integrity who loves children and wants to grow his business with me. I’d love to join forces and do something great for the Black community, something mind blowing.

This eliminates a lot of men because I know that I don’t want anyone’s employee, I want the boss.

~sigh~

Where’s Kanye?

I think I could help him write a damn good album about finding true love…

I saw this on the internet today and almost fell out. I promise you I did NOT write this but dayumm, the hoe that did write it sounds crazy as hell.

Even crazier…I totally understand how she feels. I just would never have written it so boldly.
~blushing~

****************************************

After reading that Kanye West broke up with Alexis a reader responds.

I knew this was going to happen! When I saw it on E News, my mouth dropped! I didn”t know the exact day or time, however, it was revealed to me after I read a Blender issue featuring Kanye on the front cover. When I read the article, forgive me if it’s not verbatim, he said “If there was a Bible written in the new millenium, I’d definitely be one of the characters in it. I’ve thought that very same thing before, and from that point, tears rolling down my face and all, I knew he’d be my husband. Destiny. Do you believe in it? God put me in Ye’s plans, and one day, he will love me! You”ll see! Crestfallen I am a little for Alexis because “Breaking up is hard to do”, but when God is in control, you cannot stop what is meant to be. I believe the only reason why he’s held on to her this long is because Dr. Donda West wanted so much for this to work for them. However, life throws curve balls at you all the time, and what’s meant to be (as I said before) will be, but they were not! I’ve never met Kanye, but when I do, he’ll know I’m the one. Everytime I see him on television, I feel the sadness in his eyes. It cuts my soul that he’s hurting inside, and I wish i could be there for him.

Flaws and all, I am the one for you. Sorry if I came on too strong, surprisingly I’m usually shy when it comes to expressing my feelings. However, I must follow my heart and what thus said the Lord, and send you these words of comfort. Somebody Loves You; Truly. Until we meet, stay focused, grounded, and give everyone from city to city what they want! They love you Kanye, they really do! Oh, and one more thing, you’re not arrogant; just highly confident! You’re not ungrateful; you just know what you deserve, and want what’s due to you! You’re not crazy; they just don’t understand, nor do they respect your mind! And, you look so sexy when you have your spasms! It’s so spoiled of you to have them! But I understand because I don’t want to grow up either. I must admit, I’m a grown ass kid too!

So tomorrow is my big test on the personality development theories of Freud, Jung and Adler. They have been most fascinating to study because each of them influenced another but they each had to break away and develop their own style of therapy which met needs that they thought were lacking in the one they learned from their mentor.

So why don’t you help me review? I’ll post some of the most interesting observations about personality development according to these three theorists.

Freud wrote that human beings strive to return to their an inorganic state of balance that preceded life, in which there is no painful struggle to satisfy biological needs. There are certain “life instincts” which ensures that death is delayed as long as possible so that humans can obtain many satisfactions before attaining nirvana. Basically to me this says that our souls are striving to return to God but God made our bodies to repel death so that we can have the various experiences of life. Think about it, we have an immune system, a reflex which causes us to move our hand from fire and our bones are repairable for the most part.

God wanted us here and when the time comes that we do die, it is because we have experienced all that was planned for us to experience. Our souls should rejoice at the chance to return to God. Our families should rejoice too.

I don’t want to die yet God because I really want to see the fulfillment of my dreams which glorify you but if it is not meant for me to experience, I’ll understand and I will keep pushing toward them anyway. Maybe the joy is not in the fulfillment maybe it’s in the gratitude for the promise along the way.

Ok..next theory. Freud’s Id, Ego and Superego.

He thought the Id was the original aspect of personality, rooted in the biological makeup of an individual. He stressed that in this original aspect there were unconcious sexual and aggressive instincts that yearned to be expressed. He spoke about the pleasure principle which explains that the aim of these sexual and aggressive impulses was immediate and complete discharge and satisfaction. Individuals always strive to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. The Id is the most basic instinct.

The Ego is basically the big brother to the Id. He keeps the Id in line and according to social constructs. He looks for more acceptable ways to express the basic instincts, which Freud labels as sexual and aggressive.

The Superego is the individual’s internalization of societal values. I guess that means the way we process the information about society’s expectations of behavior. It prevents us from expressing primitive urges publicly and encourages us to act as society dictates. There’s a downside to the supergo, it is constantly demanding alignment. If a child believes that sex is dirty and sinful, the superego will continually remind the individual of that belief well into adulthood and will cause the adult to have trouble forming intimate relationships.

So I guess the Superego is that part of you that helps you when your co worker is reading your computer screen over your shoulder and your Id tells you to stab her with the scissors on your desk. The Superego steps in and says, “No. You have a job and career goals. You can roll your eyes instead or ask her if you can help her.”

I got it!

Regression- This is when the ego is threatened or pride is wounded. The person will revert back to immature behaviour as a way of coping with stress.

This dude said that women envy men because we don’t have a penis. He says we seek to obtain a penis of our own.

Ahhh…..Yeahhhh…..Right.

LOL! He says that girls resent their mothers for bringing them into the world without a penis and turn to love their fathers because they have the desired object. ha, ha! He crazy.

Hmm…Then why do I like to pee standing up?

Well..listen to this shit!

Freud says that harsh and demanding treatment and overprotection of dependent personality type children creates conflist in them and may lead them to intensely and often indiscrimately seek the guidance of others even in situations where they are capable of solving the problem on their own. Dayum!

Now on to Jung…

Jung believed that all men and women have elements of the opposite sex within them. This concept was based on the fact that men and women both have varying amounts of male and female hormones. Jung called the feminine archetype in the man, the anima and the male archetype in the women, animus.

Listen to this…

Jung said the negative aspects of the anima are seen when men act moody, bitchy or catty and the animus in women shows up when it produces arguments based on reason and logic. Huh? Craziness! So women can’t think reasonably without attributing the reason to the male part of her?

Anyway….

Jung’s work on the personality types influenced the Myers Brigg’s Type Indicator, of which I consistently score as an INFP.

What’s cool about Jung is that he recognized the impact of goal setting in his therapeutic practices. He believed behavior was not only determined by past experiences but also by future goals. He wrote that through life a person is constantly moving toward self realization.

He wrote that many individuals experience their most severe crises during the middle years. Adequate resolution of these crises helps move people toward a more accurate perception and a fuller understanding of themselves. The outcome is that the person becomes all he or she is capable of becoming as a human being.

Jung was into dream analysis very heavily. He wrote that recurring dreams indicate that the conflict has not been resolved and is associated with stress, anxiety and a lack of psychological well being.

~sigh~ wait!

I am STILL HAVING MY RECURRING DREAM THAT STARTED IN JUNE 2007.

It won’t go away. I dreamt it two days ago and when I woke up I realized that it was a repeat except everytime it has a different ending. This time the ending was stressful. I don’t know what’s going on. I swear. The dream haunts me.

I keep dreaming that I’m going back to work at the website. (The website was a place I worked last year that allowed me complete creative freedom which was the job of my dreams but I left it because, among other reasons, I felt like it was time for me to go, my self inflicted stress level was too high to remain. I have not been gainfully employed since but I do have a better relationship with my kids.)

The dream of going back there just won’t go away. It’s not even a thought in my mind anymore. The only time I think of it is when I have that dream. Everytime I have the dream, it’s the same thing, it’s my first day back at their office and I’m dealing with some kind of drama like I can’t find my pens or a fire alarm sounds off or I’m about to kiss The Prez or I’m walking around in my bikini or the other night in my dream I was about to quit because my chair wouldn’t work right and I couldn’t fit at my desk, sometimes I do wake up from that dream feeling peaceful, but not often.

I don’t get it. Man, is it because I’m stressed about school right now? I’m trying to do the best I can but I think getting that ‘B’ last semester fucked my head up. I need something to flourish and flow for me. I’m starting all of these projects and then I can’t even finish them because something crazy happens or school gets rough and then I don’t see what I’m doing right now. I’m trying my best to make something happen I’m putting my talents out there and trying to be there to support others but even still I’m still just surviving. I want to scream because noone has yet to see what I can do and pay me to do it. I’m doing it for fun as much as I can but I would really like my work to be appreciated and compensated.

~deep breath~

Sorry…

Ok, let’s move on to Adler.

Adler believed that we all strive for perfection. He says that movement toward perfection is driven by feelings of inferiority. Dayum!

So you’re saying that those who feel they HAVE to succeed do so out of a feeling that they are less than everyone else? Whoa… Well, I have to admit, I am one of those people and do I feel less than?

He may be right, there are so many occasions where I feel less than. And for some reason it has nothing to do with accomplishments, physical looks or future potential. I think I still feel less than regardless of all that my life has experienced and I think it’s just…at my core, I just feel like I’m not as good as other people, like maybe God loves me less and I have to prove my goodness to Him by doing something spectacular so He will notice me and approve of me.

Wow. So here I am, projecting my own image of the love I received from my father onto God.

~sigh~

I do apologize. Studying is so draining.

I’m gonna wrap up for tonight and then meet my classmate for lunch to discuss this shit before the test.

Goodnight.

This morning I had a phone meeting with an independent publisher who is interested in publishing my book. He has requested a full copy of my manuscript. ~exhale~ After 15 rejections from agents it was a most welcome experience.

Tonight’s radio show is called Random Fridays where listeners can call in or write me an email about whatever issue they are having in their relationship and listen to my advice.You can listen in by clicking this link.10pm to midnight EASTERN.I’ll be playing some of my favorite R&B tunes including One In A Million by Aaliyah.I’d love to hear from you.
Ms. Tee

Written by Jafree Ozwald and Margot Zaher
www.EnlightenedBeings.com

Nobody has ever accomplished anything amazing in their life without hitting massive resistance and obstacles along the way. The thicker the wall you hit, the more spectacular your experience will be breaking through it. If you are experiencing a huge challenge in your life, this is simply an invitation to go deeper inside and step out of the comfortable velvet rut you may be in. Every obstacle is an opportunity to evolve and make a personal breakthrough in your life. If you keep hitting a certain block or resistance to attaining a certain desired outcome, it causes you to streamline your mind and truly focus your energy on what you want INSTEAD of what you don’t want. The moment you consistently hold your attention on what you want, you break through your stuckness and start to experience the success you have been striving for.

“I do not believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process.” ~Oprah Winfrey

Some people find that one of the most challenging experiences in life is lack of inspiration and laziness. The energy of laziness actually stems from being overly resistant to any one negative or positive thought. When we are in resistance mode we are simply attached to a certain thought NOT happening. For example, if you repeat internally thoughts like, “That experience is not going to happen to me” or “This experience IS going to happen to me”, the energy of attachment to these thoughts builds up a resistance inside each time you repeat them. When you try to repetitively push away from a thought, it drains your energy. Laziness is simply caused by an over-efforting in your internal world. The mind feels exhausted and drained when its neural pathways are always pushing away from some experience and become congested from being over stimulated. The bombardment of information from the daily media and opinionated ego can also force your mind to retreat into a lethargic zone and necessary catharsis. The cure for this state is to consciously remove yourself from all stimulation and completely empty out the mind.

“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. ~Jules Renard

The first step towards emptying your mind is to practice sitting still, being unfocused, and experiencing pure essence. Depending on how much inner chatter you have built up through your life, cleaning out all of the mental and emotional clutter from your mental closets may take weeks, months, or years. However, this new empty space is absolutely blissful when you arrive. It is very refreshing to the soul and contains a pure potentiality that is truly energizing. When you tap into this pure emptiness, a creative spark is re-ignited and there is a revitalized sense of excitement and genuine motivation throughout your day.

Since laziness is sending you a strong message to do nothing, then do just that! Do nothing, absolutely nothing. Do not even watch TV, read a book, or speak on the phone. This is too much effort and you will not refuel your system. Simply be completely still for 20 minutes and rest in the divine essence of your being. Your mind will eventually slow down and discover that the greatest energy in the entire Universe lives inside it! Truly do nothing. Feeling like you should be doing something while you are sitting doing nothing can continue to drain your energy. Relax and let your energy surrender and merge with everything. You will find that true laziness is replaced by a real passion for being alive.

“You can’t imagine what a pleasure this complete laziness is to me: not a thought in my brain- you might send a ball rolling through it!” ~ Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

The passion for being alive comes after you rest deeply inside. Let yourself surrender to the feelings of laziness and relax through the resistance. Don’t resist resistance, meet it directly and greet it with a smile. It will propel you forward in an unimaginative way. You will wake up tomorrow morning feeling totally alive and excited about taking massive action in the world, and have more fun with your life than you knew was possible! You’ll be excited again about what you want to manifest, and will find that any actions you take feel genuinely good and not forced. Soon you will realize that you are taking physical action in the world because you want to, and not because you have to. As a result, your dreams will easily materialize into your world.
Copyright 2008. Enlightened Beings Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Ahh…

Now I have some time to release all of my emotions.

Care to ride with me on this journey?

Ok. My house is set up like this. There’s a hallway with one Spanish couple in one room and one Spanish girl in the other room. Then there’s a living room and kitchen in the middle and on the other side there’s my room. My room has a door that leads outside so I never have to go inside the main part of the house if I don’t want to. But I like to because it smells good in there.

I have so many things on my to-do list like:

Get new tires for my front wheels.

Take this fucking laptop back to the damn store to get another one. Don’t buy the Gateway M-Series. Just because it’s cute doesn’t mean this shit works properly. I haven’t even had this for 8 months and the A is already scratched off on my keypad and the spacebar is already scratched off and my ENTER button is broken. That’s some fuck shit.

I smoked a cigarette with my classmate the other day and now my chest is tight as hell. It hasn’t felt like this in a long time and I need to go to the emergency room but I have no insurance so fuck it. No more cigarettes for me.

Gather the rest of my paperwork for this scholarship I’ve applied for. The last day is the 15th. I’ve already written the essay now I gotta get my transcripts together and a letter from financial aid.

Package and mail my manuscript to this publisher.

Find a co host for my show. It’s very dry with just me on it I think. Last night I was giving out advice and I realize my advice is different from the advice a person who is trying to be socially acceptable would give. I need one of those people who thinks inside the box and goes by the Bible or by what their Mama told them about being a good person. Someone who sticks to society’s rules and says things like, “Good girls make guys wait.” Shit like that. I need the contrast. It would be nice if this person was attractive because as soon as I get a good format for this show I’m switching to my school’s television station, they don’t seem to be producing any original content these days.

I need to be touched. My *connect* said he’d do it but in my head I keep hearing, “Hell naw..that sorry ass sack you gave me the other week, fuck you!” But seriously, my body is physically aching, like I’m tender to the touch. Sometimes I sit and wonder what the hell is wrong with me where everyone I know is COMPLAINING because they have too many options for men and sex and I have absolutely none. When I think about it, I try to change the subject in my mind quickly.

I’m about to go see Tamara today. My boys and I are going to play on the slip n slide in her mom’s backyard. She’s here for the Miami carnival and she brought her boyfriend. I’m not too keen on seeing him because I don’t really like him. That’s weird cuz he treats her well it’s just, I don’t see him as someone I would enjoy being around. Which doesn’t really matter since he’s not my man, he’s hers. Oh well, I can deal with it. I’ll take a book with me so I can read while our kids play.

I’m gonna go see if my boys will give me a massage. I really, really appreciate them. They come to every radio show and help me with everything. They learn quickly. Anyway, lemme see if I can convince them to rub me down.