Month: April 2007

It’s ALL A Fantasy

~singing my personal version of the Lambchops theme song~

This is the JOB that doesn’t end…yes it goes on and on my friend…some people started working here not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue working here forever just because…this is the JOB that doesn’t end…yes it goes on and on my friend…”

Damn!

How am I gonna be four days deep up in my job and I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that won’t STOP! LOL! Who the hell knew that maintaining a website could be so demanding? It’s so very similar to blogging except it’s way more involved but I know I’m getting this experience which will make me a better “Whatever” in the future.

My resume is a BEAST! LOL!

Just look at all of the jobs I’ve had since I graduated college in 2003. I feel like I’m on one of those technical school commercials.

Medical Research Assistant
Executive Assistant to the Publisher of a newspaper
Sales Associate at Express
Telephone Customer Service Representative
Motivational Speaker
Receptionist
Development (Fundraising) Coordinator of a $10 million dollar campaign
PR Account Coordinator
Freelance Writer
Content Manager/Writer for a magazine
Hostess/Food Runner for a restaurant
Newspaper Reporter

and now… Internet Marketing Manager

Whooo!

All that’s left for me to do is become a radio host, television show host, novelist and world inspiration leader and I can die happily having been exposed to all of my communications interests.

My little sister called me at work today and I allowed the blahs to get to me after she asked, “Did the man send you your check yet?”

Before I left Houston I gave the man I was renting the apartment from my first month’s rent plus a deposit and he has yet to return it to me. I was pissed off at first but then I just let it go.

This weekend I sent him an email which read:

Hi Michael Martin who rents a condo in the Westchase District inside the Idlewood Community,

I find it interesting that I do not receive any responses to my attempts to recover my $650 for my first month’s rent from you although I never signed a lease. I do not want to go back and forth with you about this issue any longer. If you choose not to honor your word, there is no way I can force you to.

I’m glad I left Houston. The entire time I was there I kept meeting people who were dishonorable, deceitful or wanted to change me.

I will pray that God will allow me to forgive you for cheating me. If you need the money that badly then I hope it fixes whatever problem that you have and I bless you.

You won’t hear from me again.

I live by the principle that you get what you give. So I bless you to prosper and I ask that everything that you give and do for others be returned double to your life and that of your family.

Have a beautiful day!

I’m letting it go. God is my supply and those who cheat his beautiful and favored daughter will have to deal with HIM. I know for a fact that when it comes down to the wire God always sends someone to bless me.

Just like Donovan. I didn’t tell him this but when he gave me that money before I left Orlando I was down to my last $26. See how God works!

And I fully expect provision to come from Him and I believe He has a perfect place for me to live. I believe He has a place that I will be able to call HOME. I fantasize about being able to come home after work and lie down on the couch in my underwear, enjoying the airconditioning, order some food and sip some wine while watching TV. I also make sure to add a nice fine man who will come over around 8pm to rub my booty while I purrrr…

All fantasies become reality if you meditate on them long enough. What are you fantasizing about? Is it illness? Is it your mate cheating? Is it death?

If you imagine your life going a certain way then it most certainly WILL!

I tried to explain the law of attraction to my friend Peaches. I asked her, “Did you see the video for THE SECRET yet?

“No, but I heard THE SECRET isn’t that much of a SECRET. Think positive. That’s all that says.”

I laughed. On the surface that is what it says but if you have an ear to hear and a heart to GROW and live life abundantly, you will begin to feel the vibrations of the powerful words that are spoken.

Thinking positively is not just a mantra or a nice suggestion, it should be a RULE. What you invest your thoughts in, is what you receive. Believe me!

Look back on my blog. Even the first month that I started writing I would fantasize about being a journalist. I wanted to write for magazines, newspapers etc. Now look at me!

My fantasies have come true!

And I had to change my fantasy about men because in all of my fantasies I focused on men who wouldn’t support me, yell at me and tell me that I wasn’t right for them. Baby Daddy, Dude, DL Dell, JB…they all said and did those things to me. It’s because I imagined them doing it!

Now every night before I go to bed I read a little of Florence Scovel Shinn’s complete work of literature and then I take time to fantasize about how I want my life to be. I think about my boys growing into handsome, successful young men who are adored everywhere they go. I picture my brilliant and successful husband who just LOVES to spoil me, break me off and show me off every chance he gets because he knows that I’m the best chick walking. I picture vacations with my homegirls and them getting mad at me because I’m spoiling their children.

Ofcourse I take 30 seconds out of my day to make myself go Mmmm… but even then I say to myself, “One day a fine ass man is gonna come rub my booty…I’m gonna model and dance for him and we’re gonna make videos too. He’s gonna be down for whatever!”

I now realize that falling in love with Dallas has nothing to do with the city but everything to do with my mindset. When I got to Houston I was looking for MAN to teach me and support me. When MAN failed I was disheartened and afraid. My fear led me to attract people who were also disheartened and afraid.

I came to Dallas EXPECTING nothing but success and although I’m still living ‘on the edge’ and it seems like I’m constantly experiencing the sensation of being on a trapeze, blindfolded, my fingers grasping through the air hoping the connecting swing presents itself so that I will not fall– I NEVER FALL.

God won’t let me.

And he doesn’t care that I curse sometimes and I masterbate and I’m horny all the time and I’m a brat and an overachiever and addicted to love. God just laughs at me because He made me and He loves me just the way I am.

That’s why I love Him.

Someone loves me just the way I am.

And everyone will love me wherever I go, because I EXPECT it!

I Am A Magnet For All Things Wonderful

Today was an absolutely FABULOUS day!

First thing I woke up and put on one of my favorite outfits because I feel so much better when I look good!

When I got to work I got an email from Ruby telling me that she got the job offer she had been hoping for. I wanted to jump up and shake my THANG! My girl is a BEAST! She got the skillz to pay the bills and no matter what I do or where I go that chick KNOWS she’s on my team!

THEN as I worked diligently through coordinating my Mother’s Day feaures for the website my phone rang and it was TAMARA! I love hearing from her! She updated me about her baby’s progress and then we promised to talk later because I had some stories to tell her that even my BLOG can’t handle! LOL! That’s what bestfriends are for!

Then as I continued to work through my daily objectives my phone rang again and it was ANNA (L)! I thought that I would DIE from happiness! We laughed and laughed about my active imagination and my first little article on the website until her principal wandered in and she had to go! LOL!

By the time 5pm came I was in a great mood even though it looked like it was about to STORM and I made my way back to my humble (temporary) abode to take a quick nap. As I lay there on the bed I laughed to myself, recounting my late night conversation with my girl Raycita. She is sooooo Miami…it ain’t funny! I can’t wait to see her next month. My Baby Mama Marsha and I are going out to California to celebrate Raycita’s graduation from law school.

I wish I could stay longer than two days but when I booked the ticket I was believing on faith that I would be working so I made sure to book it for the weekend only. And guess what? My vision came to pass!

Tonight I’m sitting here on the verge of tears over my excitement. This is where true faith comes in. What will happen over the next few days that will show God’s provision over my life now that I’m down to my last? Where will I live come this weekend? What will happen to me? How will I survive?

Only God knows but I can tell you that I have peace that He has me covered!

My friend Kim is believing with me. I hope you will too.

He will never leave me nor forsake me and I eagerly await His provision.

I Need Your Help

In the midst of writing and dreaming and organizing I’ll admit, I am sometimes overwhelmed with joy. Today I sat down with my director and she was teaching me about managing the website and before I knew it I felt my eyes begin to water.

I tried to hold them back but I couldn’t. I was just too happy. I’m learning so much! There’s a lot of responsibility in running a website and so much to consider. Did you know that every click you make in a website is recorded and analyzed? Everytime you refresh a page, there is a record and those records are used to sell advertising? Every picture you post or link you provide on your website has to have a purpose and that purpose is to keep the reader on your site for as long as possible.

I didn’t know that!

~sigh~

I didn’t know you could be sued for using pictures from the google search engine or using getty images like I do. Yikes!

What I do know is that I love maintaining and setting the vision for different features. My job resembles that of an editor of a magazine. I have to set the vision for seasons and then organize writers to provide content and promote the content in a variety of ways. My job combines my love for magazines and the internet. I am soo lucky! Who knew that years of blogging for free would prepare me for a magnificent career!

Whoo!

It’s so much to learn but my Director has a willing heart to teach and she wants me to be successful so she is SUPPORTIVE of me giving my very best, unlike my editor in Atlanta who would consistently tell me, “Figure it out!”

That chick still boggles me and I feel sad for her.

While I’m trying to do the best I can I’ll admit, I messed up today. It was a minor mistake; I broke a link to an article I had posted, but it showed me that there is so much I have yet to learn.

I could use your help and opinion on what I am writing if you have the desire to give that to me. I invite youto join my yahoogroup. There is one big benefit of joining my yahoo group: I give all of the real details about my journey before I post them on myblog. Otherwise, the members of my group are my brain trust and I ask for their opinions and solicit story ideas and subjects from them.

Click to join sharemydream

If you have a heart to help, please join and offer your opinions. I hope to be back soon with an update on my impending miracle.

I know you can do it God! I know you WILL!

The lesson I learned today is about mental preparation.

The answer lies in this statement: Sometimes the light switch is not so easy to find so you can’t wait until it’s dark to try to locate it.

That spoke volumes to me and I hope it blessed you too.

Be easy and at peace because help is on the way.

Thank you for another beautiful, productive day. My new co-workers have been nothing but sweet to me. I appreciate that.

Caught Slippin

I am so upset with myself.

Today it happened…again.

After asking my co worker if he arranged an interview with one of the radio show’s hosts for one of my upcoming features on the website, he stood up quickly and said, “Let’s take a walk.”

I like going on these sporadic “walks” with him because he always shows me something cool, but this afternoon I really didn’t have time because I gave myself a 5pm deadline to send a status update on my progress to my team and I had yet to pull it together.

But I walked with him anyway, through the beautiful office, around the corner, through a doorway and past some cubicles when I saw a group of people who seemed to be hanging outside of an office door talking. We stopped just outside the door as well because the contact person for the radio personality was inside. I smirked and leaned against the wall outside of the office as laughter drifted out to greet me.

A familiar face turned around and my eyes got wide.

Oh shit. The Company President.

“Hi, Ms. Tee!” he greeted me enthusiastically. His face lit up as though we were long lost friends.

I stood there wide eyed, frozen in shock.

I may have mumbled Hi but I don’t even think my lips produced a sound.

~sigh~

Speechless again… Just like the first time I met him. Just like the second time I saw him….

What the hell is going on?

I don’t know why I act like this around The Prez. I don’t think I have a crush on him…But you never know with me. After all, he IS single, handsome and brilliant. But…uh…it’s not really on my plate right now to be all aggressive and show him what I’m working with.

I’m tired of being the aggressor all the time. I want to be pursued. I want to be WANTED.

And I definitely don’t ever want to be caught flirting with the man who runs my company. NO WAY!

But again I don’t want to act like I’m star struck either. I need his wisdom so that I can grow. I need to develop a partnership with him because both he and I could be of use to each other in the future. My skills as a journalist and leader could help boost his company and his expertise at marketing and growing a business could help me to learn to market myself and one day grow my own business.

But it ain’t gonna happen if I keep freezing up everytime he is around. I can assure you this has never happened before.

~sigh~

I don’t know what the hell the problem is but I want it solved because…I don’t like feeling like a man intimidates me.

I am MS Muthafuckin Tee!

No man is too good or too brilliant or too handsome for me.

I gotta shake this off.

Next time I see him, we’re going to have a conversation. I’m going to be my regular, charming self. I’m gonna get some wisdom about being a business person and I’m going to roll on.

He ain’t gonna be causing me to slip up in my game plan, no matter how fine he is!

Hmmmph!

Easy, Breezy

My blessing came today, in a most unexpected way.

One of my co workers stopped by to say Hi and ask if things were going well with my move to Dallas and my search for a place to live. I explained that the position was an excellent fit to fulfill my creative and professional needs and I was actually falling in love with the city.

“Do you need anything? I know you haven’t gotten paid yet?” she asked.

I thought for a moment. Maybe this could be God speaking.

“Yes,” I said slowly. “I am in need.”

“I can give you a couple of hundred dollars until you get paid next week? Will that help?”

“Yes, it will.”

“Today we will go out to lunch and I will fill up your gas tank for you and then we’ll go to the bank to get the money.”

“Ok, thank you.”

When lunchtime came we met by the elevators and rode down to the parking garage. I don’t know why I figured that she was going to follow me in her car so when she walked over to mine my eyes grew wide.

I shrugged and unlocked the doors. She gasped when she looked inside the window and saw that my car was filled with my stuff.

“What’s going on? Why is there so much stuff in here?!” she asked excitedly as a frown appeared on her face.

I sighed.

“Look, I haven’t found a place yet so I’m kinda living out of my car.”

“I’ll drive,” she said and we walked over to her car.

As we exited the parking garage she turned to me with a worried expression. “Ms. Tee, What is going on with you? Where are you living?”

I sighed. I hate telling people what I am doing because they never understand. They never see the big picture. They tend to look at me as if I’m failing in life because I’m not tied down to a job or a city when they should see the blessing and freedom I have to pursue my dreams.

“Look, if you’re going to ask me a personal question I am going to answer you but this must stay off the record and you can’t flip out.” I told her about my past and my lifestyle and my goals and how I believe God is leading me toward my destiny.

She frowned deeply. “But look at all of these apartments here. Those are nice, they have covered garages, why don’t you get one of those? I’m sure they don’t cost much. Texas isn’t as expensive as Miami is.”

“Those are nice and maybe I will get one one day. But for now I’m okay with finding a nice little efficiency and signing a 6 month lease, just to see how this job works out. I don’t want to go get anything expensive or fancy right now. I have to see if this is the company that God wants me to be at and for how long.”

Her voice cracked as she looked at me. “But you could be so much more successful if you settle down and stick to one thing. Get you a nice place and grow some! Don’t you want that?”

I sighed. I’m always defending my life choices.

“Yes, I do want that. I want the house, the nice car, the family…everything. But I also want to be happy in my career and I will not become tied down by bills and material things when I don’t even know if this company is going to treat me well. God could have something else for me and I want to be ready to go and receive it.”

“But why would God have you like this? Um… struggling? Why would He do this to you?”

“Whose said I was struggling? God always blesses me. See. I have money now. I can buy us lunch.”

She shook her head as we pulled into the Subway to grab a couple of sandwhiches.

As we got out I asked her, “You don’t know anyone who lives like I do or is seeking their perfect fit for a job?”

“I do know people who aren’t afraid to move but I would NEVER move to a city with nothing and live like you are living. I have my family and my job and that brings me satisfaction. I don’t think God would ever put me in that kind of place.”

“Well, don’t think I don’t cry sometimes and get frustrated because I want to have a home again. But I also want to be wise about the whole thing and I am not afraid to leave if this doesn’t work out. I have skills. I can move to any city and find a good job. I’m not afraid to keep looking.”

“Well what does our company need to do to satisfy you?”

“Well, I need to be a part of a supportive environment that appreciates my skills and my work ethic. I want to see a pathway for me to grow as a professional and I want to be a part of a team that wants me there. If I don’t find that here, then this is not the right company for me. Either way I will be alright.”

She continues frowning at me and I can tell that I am making her uncomfortable. I don’t want to make her feel uneasy but I don’t know how to be anyone other than who I am. The woman that I am KNOWS that I am a force to be reckoned with. The woman that I am KNOWS that I would be an asset to the right company. I just have to be sure that this is the right place. God led me here, I know that. Maybe the only reason I came through Houston was to meet the Prez and prepare me for the move to Dallas to work in what seems to be a spectacular position.

I’m okay with being homeless right now. I’m a happy homeless person. I go to work excited every morning and I work all day, fulfilled in what I am learning and contributing. I like my team members and the company that I am with but it’s only been one week.

I call this move a success because my needs are consistently met through my faith.

I will live an abundant life. I will have a beautiful home one day. I will get to achieve all of my dreams and I can imagine them coming true in Dallas but I’m not afraid to move on if they don’t. I’m going to sign a 6 month lease. That will commit me to this job and this city for 6 months when this job has in no way committed itself to me. I am under employment “at will”. Just like they look out for their best interests, I have to look out for mine.

I wish I could stay though. I wish I could make a home here and continue to love this city.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would take to make me stay here at the end of my 6 months.

A promotion.
A raise.
Making friends.
Having a little fun.
Meeting a nice, successful business owner who respects and admires my spirit and is open to developing a committed relationship with me.

I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I just want to be a part of a larger vision and I want my role to be unique and important.

I have a distinct gift to give and I want the company I am with to recognize and appreciate that. I’m not running, I’m in pursuit. In pursuit of my wildest fantasies and I’m learning so much along the way.

Right now my wildest fantasies include growing with this company and expanding my role on the radio and then into television with their parent company. I also see myself writing books and being heavily marketed by the people who recognize my gifts and what an asset those gifts could be to their vision.

I want the man who loves me to see the same things. I want him to see how his vision for his life can be made possible through a union with me. I want him to see me as a necessary asset to the accomplishment of his goals. But I don’t want to choose the man like I’ve done in the past. I’ve always made the wrong choices. I want him to choose ME.

Sometimes I think about the Prez and whether we’d be a good match for each other. But honestly, aside from the MUTE button on my mouth that is pressed whenever he is around, I am not caught up with the fantasy of him like I was with so many dudes in my past. He has a million wonderful qualities on paper, but if he doesn’t treat me as well as Donovan and he doesn’t value me then he’s not worth as much as I imagine him to be.

I won’t get caught up in the “fantasy” of a man like I did with Donovan. Even though with Donovan, I was right about who I thought he was, he still wasn’t the one for me. I won’t allow my vivid imagination to cause heartache anymore.

But it’s funny because…I walk in so much peace.

It’s beautiful to live life knowing that you can’t lose no matter what happens because God is on your side. Even with the guy in Houston who took my money and dissappeared– I know I will get my money back one day and it will come just when I need it.

I have peace in my life now. It’s been a long time coming. I wish others around me could have it too. Their frantic anxiety doesn’t phase me though. Thank God for that. Their fears don’t harm me.

I am well taken care of and by God’s divine right, I will receive even more than my heart ever desired.

I know it.

I hope you know it.

I sit expecting miracle after miracle and I look for every opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.

I will find my perfect fit, my perfect city, God’s perfect Will and it will all come with no headaches, no struggles and no heavy labor on my part.

Everything will be easy, breezy from now on.

Life is going to be just fine.

“Listen,” I told my co worker when we reached our office. “I do not want you to worry about me. I am fine. I will live a brilliant life. I have peace. I want you to have peace too.”

Up Yours, Ni&&er!

As soon as I was hired the HR Manager went through her checklist of forms I had to sign. She stopped short when she got to a line in particular.

“Um…The Radio Man’s favorite movie is Blazing Saddles. All employees are required to watch it and believe me he WILL quiz you on it.”

Huh?

I had never heard of Blazing Saddles before but each time I mentioned it to any of my co workers they just looked away and said, “Enjoy.”

I was NOT looking forward to watching it but since I had nothing better to do tonight and I had borrowed it from the cute male receptionist I decided to go ahead and watch it.

That shit was hilarious!

I wonder why no one liked it?

We’re Only Human

I can’t help it, my friends are a reflection of me.

These chicks are beautiful, brilliant, good hearted but LOOSE as hell!

I won’t identify the sources of these quotes but I will say, they are all TRUE and all came from the mouths of my closest friends.

~shakes head~

Here are some of the wildest things my friends have ever told me.

My Girl: So I just had this feeling right. Something inside me told me to drive down to the house he was building. It took me about 25 minutes to get there right and when I get there guess what I saw? He was sitting up in a car with this girl.

Me: How that hoe looked?

My Girl: Like a regular hoe.

Me: Mmm. I know that’s right. So what did you do?

My Girl: Girl….He got out acting like it wasn’t nothing saying she just gave him a ride because his truck was in the shop. So I said, “Why you ain’t ask ME for a ride?” Then he gave me some excuse.

Me: Did you leave?

My Girl: Hell no! I followed their car BACK to his cousin house and she left and I almost went upside his head with my water bottle! Tee! I almost lost it!

Me: Girl, you crazy!

My Girl: So you remember when voice messaging on yahoo messenger first came out right? Well, I didn’t know how to use it or anything but I kept seeing that I had messages so one day I checked the messages and it was this GIRL on there tombout, “What’s up this Ray Ray girlfriend. I seent your name in his phone. You can hit me back at chicalot.tie1@yahoo.com” and then she left her phone number.

Me: For real girl? What the hell did you do?

My Girl: Girl, I wasn’t even dealing with her dude so I called her back to tell her! And she answered and was telling me that he has a girlfriend and she lives with him and so on. I was like, “OK. I got a man I don’t want him.” And then she was slick rapping asking me questions like, “How often do you see him?”

So I said, “EVERY WEEK!”

So she said, “What kind of woman are you KNOWING this dude has a girlfriend and you still messing with him?”

So I said, “Bitch I will fuck him TONIGHT if you don’t stop talking shit!”

My Girl: Yeah girl, lemme tell you. You can’t throw your pearls to the pigs. When your friends don’t understand the dynamics of your relationship with God and the intimacy you share, ofcourse they won’t understand your right to ask God for exactly what you want your life to be like and the reasoning behind why you won’t settle.

Me: FOR REAL GIRL!

My Girl: Yeah girl…Cuz one day we’re gonna be riding in your private jet on the way have lunch lunch in Hawaii and we’ll pick up a few new purses on the way there!

Me: I believe it!

My Girl: Yeah girl, it’s gonna be Fendi and Louis Vuitton for life- In Jesus name!

My Girl: Yeah so people don’t believe me when I tell them I hear from God. When you hear from God you gotta know it for yourself. And I would have never received my blessing if I hadn’t married him.

Me: Umm…But he left you.

My Girl: Yeah but…there’s a blessing in that I promise you. I know you can’t see it now…

My Girl: So yeah this was one of my regulars. You know when I really need a fix I call him. So I called him late one night and told him, “Go take a shower. I’m coming over. Meet me at the door wearing just your towel.”

Me: Did he do it?

My Girl: Hell yeah! When I got there he answered the door smiling and I could see he was hard through the towel.

Me: oh shit.

My Girl: So I tapped his d** and said, “Now get your ass in the room!”

My Girl: So I was fired up after I went through his emails and saw that mess. So girl.. I couldn’t help it. I went over to his complex, pulled out my knife and I slashed his tires.

Me: NO YOU DIDN’T!

My Girl: Yes I did girl. The next day he came to me asking me if I did it and I told him No. And then I said, “Hmm..That must be karma. What have you been up to?”

My Girl: This bitch at work has been looking for another job for longer than I have. So when I told her about my job offers and she just rolled her eyes. I didn’t care. How about the next day she came to me and asked me if I had seen the new houses that were being built near Lincoln Road and I said no. Then she proceeds to tell me about her plans to buy a new house.

I was like, “Bitch, your’e a BITER! What….You admire me?!”

********bonus********

So I was in Atlanta during my loose stage and I was getting it with this fine ass dude who knew what he was doing! ~shakes head~ Lord, send a revival. In the midst of our bump and grind I stopped and turned around, looked him right in the eye with a mean face, threatening to pull away if he didn’t say it.

“Tell me I’m a star!” I demanded.

His eyelids fluttered but he responded quickly, “Fuck a regular star, you’re a SUPERSTAR!”

She Asked Me to Sing

It’s true that my imagination rules my life. It always has, ever since I was a child. When I was little I used to imagine myself touring the country, speaking and writing books that millons loved. I imagined wonderfully wealthy men spoiling me and adoring me. I imagined myself with fans and admirers.

Did I really BELIEVE all of that was going to happen?

Hmmm…Yes and No. I didn’t really care if it happened or not, I just enjoyed the fantasy.

I spoke with Anna the other day. God is blessing me so much because she and I have started speaking to each other regularly. She is one of the strongest women I know and also one of the funniest. It’s pure joy to talk to her and whenever I see her name on my Caller ID, I stop what I’m doing to take the time to relax and laugh with her.

The other night we were talking about my Faith Walk and she assured me that she never worries about me. She doesn’t see me as being homeless or struggling or failing at life because she feels like everything I’m going through is a straight shot to the fulfillment of all of my dreams. It seems like she completely understands.

Why do people think my life is difficult? Why does everyone think I’m struggling?

Don’t you see that ever since I have been on this journey, God has held me by the hand every step of the way? Even when I don’t understand why I’m doing something or why I’m making a move, I just trust my best judgement, God’s guidance, and I never lack.

Don’t you remember how afraid I used to be? I would freak out when I lost a job or my Baby Daddy would be mean to me.

Through all of this I have learned one important lesson; God is my supply. I don’t have to fuck a single man to get meals and I don’t have to work a steady job to have everything I need. If I had those things I would credit those things for my sustenance, but since I don’t have them I know that God is the one who is providing for me.

God is my supply. And He is quite good at what He does.

Imagine that I have never gone without. I have NEVER struggled to pay any of my bills. I have NEVER asked anyone to give me money. Well, except for Curt that one time cuz he was bragging about the new contract he got at work and how much money he was about to bring in. So I said “If you got all that money, then pay my car note!” And he did.

See how easily things come to me.

The only thing I used to worry about was whether or not my boys were okay with me being away. But everytime I see them I can tell that their Daddy is taking such good care of them. They are learning and growing and they are just fine. That brings me peace.

See how in your eyes I may be having a difficult time but in reality, I’m floating on God’s love and provision. No, I may not be able to shop but when I went to Miami, Marsha gave me some of her old clothes. They look so nice!

Whenever I have a need I just stick my hand out and it is placed right there. Whatever it is!

And think of the people I’m meeting along this journey. They are so different from the people I’m used to associating with.

No Christian that I have ever met, in fact NO ONE I have ever met lives their lives as abundantly as the people I meet in hostels, boarding houses or shelters. We don’t have much but we share what little we have. We bless each other and we connect easily.

One time a man offered me a sip of his Big Gulp but I thanked him and declined when I remembered I had a bottle of Gatorade in my car.

One man I met in Houston gave me a few slices of his pizza one night when it was late and I was hungry. A few days later, after I was blessed with cash, I took myself out to dinner and ate only a little so that I could bring the food back to him. He was so happy!

No one is complaining or whining or worrying about the next day. No one ever speaks ill of others or is anxious about the next day. Do you know what it’s like to meet people who are DRAMA FREE?! WORRY FREE! They’re just enjoying life and having adventures and blessing people wherever they go.

The other night my roommate was a woman in her 60’s. Her name was Harriet. She walked in with a smile and introduced herself, asking me if I had ever played the Dulcimer. I shook my head.

“Well, hopefully you will come and sing with me, I am about to play right now.”

SING?

YAY!

Everyone always tells me to shut up when I sing. And here this lady was requesting it! Glory be to God!

She played and we sang for at least an hour. She even taught me how to play a few chords and I was excited about that! It felt so good.

Then she told me her story. She had been traveling and enjoying herself for about two weeks when she thought, “Wow. I’m having such a good time I don’t even want to go home.” But then she thought about her house and how she needed to be there to maintain it and an idea came to her. What if she sold her house? What if she took the money and was able to travel and meet great people?

So that’s what she did. She drives from city to city, living in boarding houses and hostels and enjoying a relaxed life. She is free to go and do and BE!

I admire that.

Meeting her ignited a strange flame inside of me.

“I’m a happy homeless person,” she said. “Because home is where my heart is.”

And my heart is so grateful to God that He is consistently meeting my needs. I don’t have to beg, borrow or steal. I eat everyday. It may not be filet mignon but I don’t experience hunger pains.

Can you imagine what it feels like not to worry about ANYTHING?

The woman at my job believes that I am fearful because I won’t get a fancy apartment and settle in. Some people write to me warning me to stop imagining struggle for my life because that’s why my life has been a struggle. Others simply shake their hands in amazement because without the security of their paychecks on the 1st and the 15th they would go crazy.

The only thing I worry about is the people who worry about me!

I am NOT imagining struggle for my life. Therefore I am not struggling. What you see as meager, difficult living has been the greatest blessing to me. I am NOT going to go out and grab and apartment just because I have a job that I like when I don’t feel like I’m supposed to do that.

It’s so funny that the people who often come to me with directives about my life are the people whose lives I LEAST want to imitate. That makes me laugh!

Oh so you want me to follow your advice so I can be just like YOU?

I’ll pass.

But then I realize that they are not giving me advice in order to control me. They truly believe that their words will make my life better because in THEIR eyes, I could be doing better than I am doing right now.

That makes me smile. If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t say anything.

I’m okay being me and living my life in the way that God leads. I’m okay with being cautious at times and daring at others. As each situation arises I react accordingly.

God’s divine plan can not be stopped or altered if I seek Him diligently.

I am learning this the hard way because sometimes I try to settle for “good right now” just because I want a quick fix. A couple of weeks ago I met this fine ass dude and he asked me for my number. I took his instead but I didn’t plan to call him because he ain’t a CEO.

But last weekend I was bored and I decided to find the number and give him a call. I found his number and dialed. “Doo-Doo-Doo. The number you have reached has been disconnected.”

~sigh~

God probably knows that I woulda fucked the shit outta that dude just to have something to do.

Man…God be BLOCKIN!

~smile~

And I appreciate that.

Teary Eyed & Making Love
On Youtube

What a beautiful weekend!

You can tell that I enjoyed myself by the fact that I didn’t get any work completed. Yesterday I laid out by the pool and played around on my laptop while this guy talked and talked and talked and talked.

I was half listening, half hoping that he would go away. When I found myself praying that he would leave me alone I stopped myself and then changed my prayer to, “Well, if this guy needs someone to listen to him then give me the patience to do it.” A few minutes later he left to go to the store and I made a quick exit.

Last night I decided that I wanted to cry so I went on Youtube and watched a few videos.

Celie and Nettie re-unite in The Color Purple.

Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks kiss in You’ve Got Mail

The moment passes Julia Robert’s by in My Best Friend’s Wedding

Better Midler knows her friend was the wind beneath her wings.

Love Actually scene where she realizes her husband’s bestfriend loves her.

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday by Boyz II Men

Then I got a little horny so I watched…

Anytime by Janet Jackson

LSG’s My Body All Over Your Body

I Got My T-Shirt and My Panties On

I’ll Make Love To You

Then I had to stop watchng these because my heart couldn’t take it.

One of my fantasies is to have my wonderful, successful, adorable man play a nice love making CD while he seduces me. Isn’t it weird that out of all the secks I’ve had, no one has ever done this for me?

~shrugs~

I guess I still have a lot to experience. I’m sure it will come.

Someday….