Month: April 2005

An Inspirational Night

I just came home from a poetry reading with some of the instructors at work. Being a part of an intellectual environment is so rewarding. Everyone is always seeking to expand their knowledge. It is very inspiring.

Tonight the Head of the English Department invited the faculty and staff to his home for a private poetry reading with a woman who tours the US at various colleges and universities and reads poetry. Did you hear what I said? She READS poetry, she doesn’t write any of it. While my colleagues may be amazed at the way she performs her pieces I was amazed at the fact that people PAY this lady to read OTHER PEOPLE’S POEMS.

Shoot…. I can read too! If only I were single… I’d tear America up. I was born to perform. But..oh well.

She was excellent by the way. Full of energy and passion and her tone led itself to its own interpretation of the author’s work. The most fanulous part of the night was the opportunity for the guests to read some of our favorite poems or our own work.

I was so hyped when I read about that in the invitation! I came home sulking because I knew that all of my old poetry was in my old computer, which has been sitting in the closet since I moved to Miami. I dragged out my tower and tried to hook it up, but I gave up and yelled out, “Maaaammaaaaa!” She came through and hooked it up to her monitor but I couldn’t print because my printer wasn’t installed. So I actually sat there and HANDWROTE two poems. ~whew~ I haven’t HANDWRITTEN anything in a long time. I really don’t like doing it and I hope I never have to do it again.

So I took my two poems and read them for everyone. They laughed. I read a poem about my love for magazines and a poem about my dream vacation. I didn’t bring any of my racial stuff. I knew I was gonna be the only black person there and I didn’t want to go there.

The beautiful thing about sharing our favorite works was the fact that some people brought in poetry in other languages; Romanian, Latin, Spanish, French- we heard it all. And even though I don’t speak any of those languages, the language itself spoke to me and I was able to appreciate the art for itself.

The words on their lips brought raucous laughter to the room, tears to my eyes and a rise in my, er, loins as some of the poetry became quite seductive. As we nibbled on triscuits and different kinds of cheeses, relished the various desserts that were served and sipped our favorite wines, I really felt inspired. I want to learn more about poetry. I want to read and appreciate it like these people do.

I want to become more educated about the arts and the world in general. I am sometimes so wrapped up in me, that I forget that there are others out there just like me, who are creating and exploding with their passion onto paper and screen.

I guess I am one of those artsy types that I always admired so much.

One of those weird chicks who made you raise your eyebrow at their exuberance. I may be a bit MUCH. ~cringes~ A little TOO honest. A little TOO open. A little TOO insecure or moody or hopeful. But in the end, I’m just me.

Thickness

Excuse me a moment while I finish pulling these shorts up…

Damn…Ugh…arghh…uhh….ahhh…rrrr….mmmmm…..

~scratching head~

What the hell is going on?

I know these shorts are ancient but damn a couple of months ago they were falling off of me. Oh no. I must have gained some weight. My booty is actually hanging out of the bottom of these shorts. Ahh man.

Heyyyyyy! I KNOW.

I know what happened! It’s my damn job.

All day long I’m sitting at that desk, punching keys and nibbling. Everybody has snacks. Everybody brings cookies and pies and I eat about two bananas a day and there’s chocolate galore and someone is always having a birthday and yesterday there were donuts AND cookies and I HAD to have a handful of cookies and THEN get a donut too. And do I really HAVE to pour all that sugar on my oatmeal in the morning?

Well… ~turning around and looking at myself~ It’s really not all that bad. ~smiling~ Thickness. I’m thick again. Size 8. Pretty nice. Nice thighs. Hmm…

Go head! Go head!

Got a lil booty! Shake that thang!
Got a lil booty! Shake that thang!

I am SO fine! LOL!

Butterflies

My nerves have gotten to me.

Yeah I’m nervous about moving out. I know my job is secure enough and I have done my budget a million different times and I can do this, but, whoooo, this is about to be some serious bills.

I think my problem is the fact that I compare my situation to others so much. I saw my cousin today and I almost choked up thinking, “Damn, she has no idea how lucky she is to have TWO INCOMES in her family.” She never worries about money. She’s living quite nice, in low income housing and extra government programs helping to pay for her kids education. Food stamps, the WORKS! Damn.

I worked myself up quite a bit after I bought two candy bars from her daughter and hopped into my car. I was almost in tears by the time I reached home.

Why can’t I have someone to help me with my bills? Why didn’t their daddy stay so that we could be a family? What’s so wrong with me that no one wants to be a family with me and my sons? Why must I do this by myself?

I choked my pain up and got my boys ready for bed. Then I sat down and allowed myself to vent.

Then it hit me.

First of all, I don’t NEED a second income. I am blessed to be able to afford to take care of my sons all by myself. Anything extra would just be disposable income or extra savings.

Most people can’t say that. Most people NEED the help, that’s why they have it. If I can do this on my own then why am I sitting here wishing I had more? That’s being greedy.

Secondly, the mere fact that I am able to provide for my family without the help of a man gives me the option of not having to put up with a man simply because the light bill is due. Too many women stay in relationships that they are not happy with because to seperate would mean a financial hardship for them both.

Last, but not least, if at any point a man does come into my life and somehow, (LOL!) magically, things worked out (LOL!) I would be much more appreciative of his contribution. I figure, if you’ve been taking out the garbage yourself for years and someone else comes and does it, even though it seems small, it’s a big deal to you.

Yeah, I’m talking to myself and I feel a lot better.

I can do this.

We can do this. We’ve done it before on amuch smaller budget.

God has already provided for me and He will continue to provide.

My boys and I will be fine.

You Should Let Me Love You

You ever want to do something nice for someone but hold back because you don’t want to seem too nice? LOL!

Sounds weird? Yeah, it feels weird. But I do that all the time.

If it were a perfect world, I would spend all my money doing nice things for people. Like, if I knew that you loved roses, I’d send you some, just to see you smile. I love to make people smile. I feel weird admitting that in a world where you have to be tough or you’ll be trampled. I feel like one of my strengths and my weaknesses is the fact that I’m nice.

People don’t really like nice people all the time. For some reason I get these little annoyed looks from people when I’m happy. Crazy huh? I know my personality is VIBRANT and I’m always trying to uplift those around me which sometimes translates into ass kissing.

~sigh~ I hold back so much. I just wanna be free to do some really nice stuff. And I have all kinds of ideas. But I don’t do them because I don’t want to seem like I’m trying too hard. But I’m not really trying, it’s just in me.

I don’t have much but honestly~ oh lord, look at ol sensitive Tee about to start crying~ I just want to make your day better. Somehow in my own little weird way, I just set out to let every person I know KNOW that they are special. Sounds dumb huh? Why do I feel like I have to hide the fact that I LIKE people and I want to see everyone prosper.

~shakes head~

Look, I’m not some sort of weirdo, well, maybe I am, and I’m not some needy individual who yearns for friends (I have plenty) Dammit, I can’t help it, I love spreading love.

I just want to show love.

I want to BE love.

I want to help heal others while searching for the same myself.

I want to be the one to tell you YOU ARE THE SHIT.

I want to hug you when you need a hug.

I want to show you the way to Christ.

I want to stop rambling before you all think I’m a nut.

Ol Sensitive Tee, going on and on about how she wants to love the whole world.

Well I do!

In the meantime. Whether you think I’m a sissy or not, I can’t change who I am.

I’m a silly billy goo goo, girly girl. Who likes oodles of hugs and kisses and butterflies and pink tennis shoes.

I want to be nice to you.

Stop being mean and accept it.

The Worst Feeling..

When you take your time and truly enjoy writing a detailed juicy story about your weekend exploits and you hit the publish button and everything dissappears.

That is the worst feeling…

Sorry, I won’t be retyping an hour’s worth of writing. The short version: I went to see a play.

Awww man, that really sucks. But I’m mad right now so..whatever.

Now let’s see if THIS crappy post will publish. I bet it does 🙁

Remain blameless

I know it’s rough when it seems like people are against you.

You all of a sudden become REALLY creative in your plots to get back at them. You want to hurt them as much as they hurt you. You want them to feel what you feel inside.

I was feeling this way about my son’s father. I have no idea why this man despises me so much. I’d even go so far as to say he loathes me. There is no reason for this man to hate me so much. I didn’t leave him. I’m not mean to him. I don’t understand and believe me I try to see things from his perspective. I give him the benefit of he doubt that maybe he misses his boys and sincerely believes they would be better off living with him.

I try not to think he’s trying to punish me for not doing things HIS way. But I believe that is the case. Because I didn’t and don’t, bow to his demands, he threatens to take custody of my children, he berates me and he is consistently rude.

For a sensitive person like myself that hurts a lot. But not as much as it used to. I try to understand why this all happened to me. I try to spread love and encourage people but from him all I get are complaints and curse words. He treats me the exact opposite of how I treat him.

In all my mind wondering I sometimes come up with schemes to make him feel the pain too. But I’d never go through with it. As much as he has hurt me and continues to do so, I would never wish this kind of treatment on anyone. No one deserves this.

One day I was going off about how I could do some wrong stuff to him and my friend Marsha said to me, “Remain blameless.”

That’s all she said.

And it stuck with me.

Yes its true, the nice guys sometimes finish last. Though their race is sometimes at a slower pace because they aren’t cutting corners. You never know what’s behind that bush that you decide to cut through. It could be a dead end. If you continue on the path that was chosen for you, you will be assured to finish the race.

I want to do things the right way for once. Though my heart yearns for swift vindication and even more importantly, understanding of what is going on in his mind and heart.

I will trust that I will be okay.

I will trust that this battle is already done.

I will stand and stick it out as he drags me through the mud with his false accusations and cuts as we go to court.

Trust, I will remain standing in the end.

I will remain blameless.

Thursday Night

I can’t let the excitement of last night dissipate. And I know if I don’t write this story now, It will lose some of it’s grandeur. Here goes…

I waved bye bye to my boys as I walked out the door. I knew tonight was gonna be a long night and I had better get a head start on my tasks.

First, I had to go to a parent meeting at my son’s school. I giggled to myself on the way to the meeting. I’m going to a PARENT meeting, and I am the parent. LOL! Ain’t that some s***!

I walk into the classroom and sit down in these tiny chairs. I just KNOW my underwear are showing in the back as I try to sit in those little behind seats. The meeting is short and to the point, I like that. It had already been in my heart to offer myself to the school in the area of professional development so when they asked for volunteers to help coordinate a family picnic I quickly signed up. I love to coordinate things! And my mind raced with all of the improvements that I could make to the school’s image. Starting with a website, a parent email list and actual HANDOUTS and a bulletin board and student of the month and all kinds of fun things that will get the parents more involved. Eventually I want to help raise money for improvements for the school. There’s so much to be done!

LOL! See how I am? I come in and imediately think, how can I help make this better. I’m sure some people find that annoying, but It’s a joy for me actually.

So I’m done with the meeting and I stop by the store and chat with my girl Sylvia as I shop for a portable radio. Sylvia has me grinning from ear to ear with her stories. Wow. She is the ONLY chick I know who is more dramatic than I am.

My phone rings again and it’s Val, my blogger friend who is known as Serenity23, one of my new favorites. She tells me that she made it to Miami and asks if I would be able to go out.

“Yeah, sure. No problem. My sister is watching my kids. Go get dressed and call me when you and your friends are ready and I will give you directions to Cafe Iguana.”

“We got them online already. I’ll call you when we get close,” she says in a very girly voice. I laugh because my voice is so different from hers. I’m definately more manly. LOL!

I drive up to Hollywood to my girl Vicky’s house and EAT and then she gives me a book called, ‘Men Cry When They are Alone’ or something like that. While she’s getting dressed I open the book and by the time she’s done I’m on page 30. Honestly, I’d rather stay in and read the book, because it was getting juicy and when I tell Vicky she rolls her eyes.

We drive over to Cafe Iguana which is about 3 minutes away from Vicky’s house and on our way there I’m telling Vicky and her sister Cassie all about Serenity23 and how we met (on-line) and I’m telling them one of my favorite stories that she wrote.

I’m STILL telling them the story as we park and step out of the car. I’m already hyped because I’m finally going to experience Thursday Night at Iguanas which I heard is TIGHT! I had done the whole drive by thing and noticed that on Thursdays the crowd is mixed with blacks, whites and hispanics- mm, more of a selection. Maybe I’ll meet my Rico Suave tonight. ~crosses fingers~

And I’m STILL running my mouth a mile a minute about how Serenity23 cracks me up when I see a group of women stop and turn toward me while we are still in the parking lot. My Miami chick radar goes off and I go into defense mode: What the hell you looking at? ~Shoots a unit at offender and looks her up and down as if to say, And what?~

One of them smiles and walks toward me like she knows me.

“Are you VAL?” I ask and she nods and walks toward me. Aww, she is sooo cute! In fact, her entire entourage of chicks are adorable. Very crisp outfits, make up tight, pretty faces, wearing their OWN hair cascading to their shoulders. Val has a light brown bob and is wearing a gold halter top and white capris.

I give her a hug and introduce her to Vicky and her sister.

“Girl, you know my son got kicked out of daycare,” she tells me as if we’re regular buddies.

I shake my head. “What happened?”

She tells me the story and I shake my head again as we walk up to the front entrance. “I guess you were right,” she says referring to a comment I left on her blog about her son’s daycare.

We go inside and it’s pretty empty because it’s early but it’s ladies night so that means FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT LONG! Oh my gosh. I have never experienced anything like this. We are each given a cup at the door and we head to the bar. I wait while everyone gets their drinks and I walk up to the bartender.

“What can I get for you?” he asks me.
“huh?”
“What would you like to drink?”
“You mean I can drink anything that I want? For free?”
“Well, not ANYTHING but tell me what you like?”
“I like tequila.”
“I’ll make you a tequila sunrise.”
“OK.”

He makes my drink and I taste it-mm, nice!

We sit down and chatter for a while as Val and her four friends eat. Val and I are talking as if we’ve known each other for years and it’s amazing how well you get to know someone through their blogs. Cassy, Vicky’s sister, asks us to explain what a blog is. I’m all animated and looking at her like she’s an alien. “Dawg, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” I say earnestly and they all laugh.

Val offers a real explanation and I interject with my sad attempts at humor. My friends know I’m crazy. So, I’m not a bit embarrassed.

We’re all on our second drinks now and Val is ready to go dance so we get ready to head over to the dance floor, all 8 of us.

You can always tell when a group of women are about to make a move because simultaneously all of them will reach for their lip glosses to freshen up and then stand up and smooth their outfits.

After all the adjustments are made we file into a line and strut. This is a very important time of the night because this is the time when you are seen. People are posted up in various groups staring you down and you HAVE to walk by like you KNOW YOU THE SHIT!

I have my stank look on and I’m walking like I have GRADE A stamped on my booty. ~DAMN THAT B*TCH IS BAD~ We reach the center crowd and some of them stand to the side while I march right onto the wooden dance floor to shake my booty.

On the real, I can’t dance. I just like to act like I do. I’m pretty good at pretending. So I’m hoping no one dances with me tonight because I don’t want to turn anyone down. They won’t know that it’s because I can’t dance, not because I don’t want to dance with them.

We’re flittering and fluttering all around the dance floor and we go back for drink number THREE. It’s FREE! YAYY!!! I’m feeling Lovely. I’m feelin Loosey goosey! I’m feelin RIGHHHT! Get it Mama! Shake it! Do your thang! Pop it, roll it, get it, get it MAMA!

I’m dancing with Cassy when these two white guys walk up to us. We’re looking at each other trying to decide if we’re gonna dance with them when Shake It Like a Salt Shaker comes on. That’s it! We HAVE to dance to this! We turn our backs to them and they immediately step into place behind us.

Go white boy! Do your thang! Dude is actually keeping up with me. Hmm, he’s kida cute too. Get it daddy! Now I said I can’t DANCE, but I sure can shake my booty, I’m from Miami what do you expect? But only for like 2 minutes after that I’m tired. Low stamina I guess.

After dancing with the cute white guy I get one more drink. LOL! It’s FREE! Who can resist?

And I’m back on the dance floor dancing by myself and feelin ROSEY-la-la! Life is niiiice! This is my favorite part of the night out. That feeling you get when the alcohol takes affect and you are on the dance floor and the music is thumping through your body and the lights are flashing all around you and you see the crowd bumping all around and you can just TASTE the energy and the good vibes.

While I’m enjoying becoming one with the music I see a guy walk by me and stop. I smile.

“I think I know you from somewhere.” he leans in and whispers to me.

I look him up and down and grin. “I WISH I knew you, ” I thought to myself. “In the biblical sense.”

Dude is georgeous.

I looked at him more closely. Naw, I would have remembered this cutie.

He smiles at me and leans in again to whisper. “I’m Leo.”

Leo? Leo? That sounds familiar. Leo? Hmm?

Wait a minute…

He smiles at me. “You’re Miss Pretty Green Eyes.”

Ohhh snap! This is a guy that I met online somewhere and he recognizes me! Damn, I’m being recognized by my SCREEN NAME! ROFL!

I crack up at the thought and he laughs too. Wow. “How did you recognize me?” I ask him.

“It’s the hair,” he says and rubs my head. “I feel like I’d know you anywhere.”

I give him a hug and stand back. We’re both blushing. I mean, we had chatted before but it’s mostly like hey wazzup, where are you going tonight, this is what I heard is going on, stop being a playa, whatever, whatever, type of conversation. No flirting, no let’s get together. I knew he lived just one county away but I never even considered trying to hook up with him. Ahh, I remember him now! When I met him I told him I thought he looked like Ray J! LOL!

We press our bodies together for a quick second and I tell him that I can’t dance so he’ll have to bear with me. “Yes you can,” he tells me and laughs. I can see his friends are watching us. He leans in and says, “I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity. Can I have your autograph?”

Yeah, flattery will get you EVERYTHING you want buddy.

After the song is over he smiles at me and says, “Yeah, you ignore me when I speak to you online. Don’t do that again.” He walks away with a sexy swagger.

Ahhh shitt! I love directives! Just TELL me what to do Daddy!

I see him dancing with other chicks, but his eyes are on me for the rest of the night. I laugh at this mess when I feel an arm pulling me backward.

My first instinct is to jerk away but I glance behind me to see what kind of man is attached to the arm. Oooh! It’s a CHICO! I’ve been wanting me one of those!

And this chico is FINE! I blink my eyes to make sure he’s real.

“You had to look back to see who I was?” he asks and pulls me closer.
“Ofcourse I did, but I like what I see.”
“You do?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Well, tonight I’m all yours. You can do anything you want with me.”
~Don’t let me pass the hell out~

So we’re standing there and I’m all tipsy and I’m just rocking back and forth with this fine ass chico and thinking, boy I would *Censored* out of him.

Man, all I need is a few minutes. I’ll be straight for the rest of the year. A sista overdue like a mutha.

Luckily I’m a good girl, but I have always had this fantasy. This fantasy about meeting a man and just hitting it the first night and then never speaking to him again. In my mind the fantasy is playing out but Chico would never know that. I’m playing it cool.

“Hey, I have to go.” I tell him but he won’t let me go. “I have to go to work tomorrow.”
“Me too,” he says. “I have to be up by 5am. I think I’ll just leave straight from here and go to work.”
“Better you than me. I’m going to get some sleep.”
“Well, before you go, you might as well just take out your cell phone.”

No one gets pens and paper anymore. When someone wants your number, they just plug it into their cell phone.

I pull out my cell and flip it open. He laughs at my GATOR logo wallpaper. He opens his phone. Oh lawd- He went to FSU! His stock just went down.

He enters his number into my phone quickly and I see that his name is Luis. I laugh to myself. I wonder if his name is Luis Gonzalez? I used to know a Luis Gonzalez back in highschool.

I close my phone, give him a hug and walk away.

Cassy catches up with me and says, “That Chico you were with told me to tell you to make sure you call him tomorrow.”

Mmmm, hmmm…

I would only call him for ONE REASON… I’m too busy for that right now though. But his number will not be erased- he, he…

We leave and I make myself focus as I drive back to Miami.

The last time I saw Val, she was at a table giggling with some guy she met from Louisiana.

I hope she and her friends enjoy Springfest. It’s gonna be one hot weekend.